“I have no one to talk to about this,” I thought while I sat nauseous in the back of the bus, blasting “Red Wine Supernova” in my AirPods on my way to a pottery class that I would never return to. It was late September of 2023. After moving to a city where I knew no one after college, I had promptly engaged in a devastating gay situationship, discovered I had no real hobbies, and realized it was probably a mistake to move away from all of my closest friends. I had no one to talk to about my problems. But I also had no one to talk to about how obsessed I was with Chappell Roan.

Since then, the feeling of being directly spoken to by Chappell Roan’s lyrics has become a distinctly less solitary experience. When I was listening to The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess on the bus, Roan had 3 million monthly listeners on Spotify. Now, there are 42 million more. Her astronomical rise to fame has been analyzed by data journalists, podcasters, and cultural critics alike. Right now, she has four songs in the Billboard Top 100.

But the numbers weren’t the only thing making me feel less lonely. Right around when Roan started touring with Olivia Rodrigo, I made my first two queer friends in my new city. Around the time of her NPR Tiny Desk Concert, I had connected with two more. By the drop of “Good Luck Babe!”—two more. And by the time her set at Gov Ball was exploding the internet, we were a tight-knit friend group, waiting impatiently in line for Chappell Roan-themed nights at a Chicago lesbian bar. I finally had someone to talk to about this.

At its best, fandom has delivered me some of the most important and valuable personal connections in my life. But at its worst, fandom has thrust me into a devoted parasocial relationship, keeping me committed to a woman I don’t even know. One year into my adult life, managing the intensity of my own fandom—my own Chappell Roan fandom, specifically—feels like the modern emotional burden I didn’t ask for. Roan’s rapid rise to fame, alongside more than a few controversies, has left me grappling with the idea that my fandom has gone too far. Now what do I do?

Who is Chappell Roan?

Hello, elder millennials. Allow me to introduce you to my Taylor Swift. Kayleigh Amstutz, known publicly as Chappell Roan, is a 26-year-old queer pop artist who has exploded to mainstream success this year. Onstage, she takes on a drag persona, capturing massive live audiences and millions of online views with her big voice, out-there outfits, and easily replicable dances.

You might recognize Chappell Roan from one of her viral performances. There was her first late-night appearance on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last February, when she sang “Red Wine Supernova” in a wedding dress. There was her viral Coachella performance, where she dressed up as a butterfly in the colors of the lesbian pride flag and told the audience, “I’m your favorite artist’s favorite artist.” And, most recently, she performed her hit single “Good Luck, Babe!” at the 2024 VMAs. She’s been on a fast track to pop stardom this summer—until the past month gave some fans pause.

Why are Chappell Roan’s fans so mad at her?

In June, at a concert in Raleigh, Roan got emotional as she addressed the gigantic crowd. “I think my career is going really fast, and it’s hard to keep up,” she said. This was the first indication that she was overwhelmed by how rapidly she had been thrust into the spotlight.

In mid-August, Roan posted two consecutive TikToks sharing how she had been putting up with abuse and stalking from her fanbase, effectively calling them off. “I don’t care that abuse, harassment, stalking, whatever, are normal things to do to people who are famous,” she said. “I don’t care that this crazy type of behavior comes along with the job, that doesn’t make it okay. That doesn’t make it normal.” Some fans bristled at her calling out her fanbase so soon after acquiring them, while others cheered her on for boundary-setting.

Then came the election questions. In September, Roan—who had already publicly declined an invitation to perform at the White House under the Biden administration—said in a Rolling Stone interview that she felt no pressure to endorse a political candidate. “I don’t have a side because I hate both sides, and I’m so embarrassed about everything going on right now,” she said.

This set many fans, who were expecting a Harris endorsement from Roan, off. “Chappell roan is an embarrassment to lesbians” wrote one user on Twitter. All of the backlash resulted in her posting a frazzled explanation on TikTok and canceling her performances in NYC and DC at the All Things Go music festival. There have been a lot of angry TikToks, a lot of fans announcing their departures, and many, many indications from Roan that this is all a bit much for a 26-year-old who was virtually nameless two years ago.

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If we’re always so disappointed in the artists we love, what is the point of being a fan?

Watching Chappell Roan rise to fame was like a mirror of watching myself enter my first year of adulthood as a queer, Gen Z, creative woman. I thought I was the only one who was sick of going on dates with boring guys, convinced a “feminininomenon” would save me from future suburban blues. And then there was Roan, who felt the same way. And then, suddenly, miraculously, there was everyone else along with her. Watching the TikToks and tweets multiply, I understood that I was becoming part of a fandom for the first time. I wondered if this was what it felt like to be 23 when 1989 dropped.

“At its worst, fandom has thrust me into a devoted parasocial relationship, keeping me committed to a woman I don’t even know.”

Superfans treat standom like they’ve been handed a precious, breakable gift. I understand the impulse. What could I possibly feel besides gratitude toward the woman who made me feel so seen during a breakup that I couldn’t even really call a breakup? Why wouldn’t I cling to the songs that I was dissecting with new friends who meant so much to me? There was a pit in my stomach, though, when I watched my Swiftie friends and coworkers cheer Taylor on after she cringily sucked the air out of the room at the 2023 Grammys with her Tortured Poet’s Department announcement. If calling myself a fan meant being unable to recognize when my favorite artist was being totally annoying, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a fan at all.

To be clear, I don’t personally disagree with anything Roan has done or said. I’m grateful to her for advocating for stronger boundaries between fans and public figures and proud of her for taking a break for her health. I do (begrudgingly) understand why she doesn’t want to endorse a Presidential candidate in the midst of the current political climate.

But the past few weeks have shown me that one day, inevitably, my fav will disappoint me. I’m going to have to figure out how to graciously admit when Chappell Roan is wrong without accidentally sliding too far in the opposite direction and sending her hate mail via Instagram comments. One day—not now, but soon—I will need to detach my fandom from Roan as an artist and attach it to the memories I’ve made of her music, instead. Maybe it’s just part of growing up.

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How I’m reframing my Chappell Roan fandom

I have this eight-second video on my phone from July 31st this year. It’s a video of the inside of my favorite gay bar in the city, on a Chappell Roan theme night. Purple lights flash in the foreground, and there’s a neon sign that has the lyrics to “Femininomenon” lit up in the back: “Can you play a song with a fucking beat?” None of my friends are in the video, but the strangers are just as joyful. They are—and I am—the queer kids in the Midwest that Roan spoke to in her VMA Best New Artist acceptance speech. When I’m having a hard day, I watch this video and wish I could crawl inside it.

“One day—not now, but soon—I will need to detach my fandom from Roan as an artist and attach it to the memories I’ve made to her music, instead.”

Chappell Roan has been the soundtrack to my life for the past year, filling my mind up with beautiful, gay, pink-cowgirl-hatted memories. Blasting “HOT TO GO” in the car with my college best friends on our first reunion trip. Walking along the shore of Lake Michigan in the middle of winter, playing “California” and missing my closest friends and family. Alternating “Pink Pony Club” and “Miss Americana and The Heartbreak Prince” the morning before a big work event. Crying in the mirror to “Kaleidoscope” when ex-situationship summer reared its head. They’re memories, most of which involve my love for other people, that I could have hardly dreamed up a year ago on the bus ride to pottery.

“Fan culture and love poems have taught us to put the object of our adoration on a pedestal or an altar or a stage, to see ourselves as always looking upwards, always in a state of praise. But in the act of loving, you are the centre, you are the maker of meaning,” wrote Ismene Ormonde for Byline earlier this year, in an essay on Taylor Swift. As my parasocial relationship with Chappell Roan grows increasingly complex, I like to remind myself of this position. I am a fan who loves her, and so I get to decide how I want to love her—even if, someday, that means loving her as a kind critic. And in my love, I get to make meaning. I always have the power to look to the left and right, at the people singing along with me, instead of up at the star.

MEET THE AUTHOR

Emma Ginsberg, Associate Editor

Emma is a writer, editor, and podcast producer who has been creating at The Everygirl since 2021. She writes for all sections on the site, edits the Entertainment and Community sections, and helps produce The Everygirl Podcast. With a degree in American Studies, Emma is especially passionate about evaluating the impact that pop culture and internet culture have on the day-to-day lives of real women.

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After what felt like years of waiting, we’re finally deep into sad girl autumn. I’m a sucker for summer’s warm weather, but I’m currently appreciating the lightness in the air on my daily hot girl walks. Autumn doesn’t have to be completely depressing—there’s a way to lean into the melancholy of the season. My secret to getting through (and enjoying) sad girl autumn is, of course, music. In the wake of Brat summer, it’s time to add some slower sounds to my playlists this fall.

As a certified sad girl during fall, I tap into my two passions—astrology and music—to channel the essence of the season to its fullest potential. With the eclipse season in full swing, each zodiac sign will experience this fall differently. Each sign’s fall horoscopes hint at an overall shift, from big life changes to a much-needed slow in pace. Read on to see which song is your zodiac sign’s sad girl autumn anthem.

Aries

Aries signs are known for their fiery personalities, and this fall, they’ll feel as bold as ever. This season, one of the full moons will be in Aries, hinting that this sign will receive some much-needed clarity. Whether at work or in their personal relationships, Aries will need to trust themselves and step out of the box, just like Lizzy McApline always does. Doomsday is jam-packed with chill yet commanding transformative vibes that suggest letting go of a relationship gone wrong. With this track, Lizzy will have Aries feeling like Doomsday has passed until winter.

Taurus

Taurus’ calendars are always full, so this sign should utilize the quietude of fall for a much-deserved break. making the bed embodies the stubbornness for which Taurus is infamous. In this song, Olivia Rodrigo looks back on the hurt she endured at her own hands after staying in a relationship that wasn’t serving her. With the fast-paced season of summer long behind us, Taurus should listen to making the bed whenever they’re feeling stuck or frustrated this fall.

Gemini

It’s time for Gemini to embrace their really sad girl side this fall. Known for their self-assurance and unpredictability, this sign should tap into their vulnerability with this song. In Fade Into You, Mazzy Star goes back and forth between choosing to let someone go or prioritize herself. This song has a rhythmic yet upbeat tempo that masks its true vulnerability—just like a complex Gemini would. Mazzy Star recognizes that she has to pick herself at the end of the day, with this lyric standing out as so Gemini: “I look to you and I see nothing / I look to you to see the truth.”

Cancer

Cancer signs are typically always in tune with their emotions, and this autumn is the perfect time for them to channel any built-up downhearted energy into music. This song encapsulates that and much more as Ethel Cain references her religious upbringing across the fictional storytelling of her groundbreaking album Preacher’s Daughter. The song is rather haunting, as Ethel puts her modern spin on the dark subject matter. Even if Cancers can’t resonate with the content of the song, they’ll definitely appreciate the dark, moody energy of Family Tree.

Leo

Fall is full of change, and there’s no time like now for Leo to mourn the loss of summer. Shifting out of their prime time, loml from The Tortured Poet’s Department is the perfect song to mourn the season and get ready for what’s to come. From time to time, sitting in solace and reminiscing on past memories is much-needed, especially for Leo as the sun shifts out of this sign’s spotlight. Taylor’s lyrics encapsulate the idea of loving and not wanting to let go so clearly, there’s no doubt that every Leo added this track onto their autumn playlist as the dramatic yet emotional sign they are.

Virgo

For Virgos, it can be difficult to immerse themselves in sad girl autumn. Instead of focusing on the complexities of life, Virgo tends to stay grounded. Sure, fall includes Virgo season, but this sign can struggle to trade practicality with vulnerability. Thank You off of Clairo’s most recent album, Charm, blends those sentiments seamlessly while still maintaining Virgo’s strength and admitting their deeper insecurities. In this song, Clairo sings about being thankful for a former lover, even though their time together has ended—perfect for a Virgo who’s reminiscing.

Libra

One of the most charming signs of the zodiac, Libras are inherently kind and loving. While Libra prioritizes balance this fall, the season brings in a sense of certainty akin to How to disappear by Lana Del Rey. Libra’s are all about finding balance this sad girl autumn, and while they acknowledge the gloom that comes with this time of the year, they embrace it. This song is about accepting the world’s faults while maintaining Libra’s inherent warmth. While they may not be marrying alligator tour guides this fall, Libras will definitely be blasting Lana.

Scorpio

Autumn includes spooky Scorpio season, so it’s safe to say this sign is ready to flourish during their moody month in the sun. Like Lorde, Scorpios are timeless, and even with another year passing, they invite the attention that comes during their birthday month. In Ribs, Lorde admits her fears of getting older in the lyrics of this song, while the tempo conveys the dread that comes along with the season. The upbeat tempo exudes the poise of a true Scorpio who is capable of fully embracing the emotional ups and downs of autumn.

Sagittarius

Fun-loving on the outside, Sagittarius has a gloomy side that they don’t show to just anyone. Halloween by Phoebe Bridgers is the perfect anthem for a Sagittarius to turn on and get deep into their emotions on shorter fall days. Whether they’re getting over an ex or need a quick moody vibe before it’s time to face the demands of everyday life, this song is one that Sagittarius will definitely want to add to their fall playlist. Plus, nobody quite does sad girl autumn like Phoebe Bridgers.

Capricorn

The hardworking Capricorn needs to slow down and take a breath this fall. It can be hard to get this sign to slow down, but it’s much needed after a busy, jam-packed summer. Like Charli xcx, Capricorn signs were everywhere this past season, but now it’s time to take a break and relax while looking forward to the future. Capricorns are known for their resilient personalities, but it’s good to feel those feelings every now and then and let your sensitive side come through. So I is Charli’s tribute to fellow artist SOPHIE, and it’s a powerful ballad about grief, which is exactly in line with the autumn spirit.

Aquarius

Ever-eclectic Aquarius signs are beloved for their creative personalities. However, Aquarius signs are also incredibly independent, leading them to detach from those closest to them. beabadoobee is a great artist for this sign who craves closeness but sometimes doesn’t know how to ask for it. Sad girl autumn doesn’t have to be defined by melancholic ballads, and the upbeat but sentimental song the perfect pair is the perfect example of that.

Pisces

Fall kicked off with a Lunar eclipse in this sign, so it’s the season of change for Pisces. Known as one of the most emotional zodiac signs of all, Gracie Abrams’ lyrics in Augusta will offer a helping hand to a Pisces deep in their feelings. This song is all about the aching heartbreak of feeling lost in your life. Pisces signs are no strangers to feeling all of their emotions deeply, and fall is a great time to work through any lingering resentment in their hearts.