It took me five years to move in with my now-husband, and during that time, I lost count of how often we were pestered over our uncommon choice to live separately. I didn’t know it then, but we were unwittingly doing something TikTok now calls “living apart together” (LAT). While it was a phase for my partner and me, married and unmarried couples everywhere have embraced the lifestyle wholeheartedly.

There are countless videos of couples touting the perks of LAT, so I set out to investigate why, and more importantly, how people are doing it. Ahead, everything you need to know about living apart together, including why people are doing it, how it’s different from dating, the benefits along with the downsides, and how to know whether or not LAT is for you.

What is “living apart together,” and why are people doing it?

Cohabitation is off the table with living apart together relationships. Rather, you share a life together without sharing a home. While this admittedly goes against everything we’ve been taught about the natural progression of serious relationships, it can actually be beneficial for couples. Certified Sex Therapist Casey Tanner explained in a TikTok video that people in LAT relationships “say that living apart honors their individuality, honors their independence, and actually leads to them fantasizing about the relationship more.” Unsurprisingly, this can help keep the spark and passion alive since you’re not bogged down with the mundane duties of shared domesticity.

How is LAT any different than dating?

If you think living apart together is just another fancy word for dating, trust me when I tell you I thought the same thing. But Digital Creator and Negotiator Joanna Dahlseid—who’s been an outspoken champion for LAT—says that they’re two different things completely. She explained in this TikTok that when you’re dating someone, there’s an expectation that the relationship will progress. Typically, this means eventually moving in together, getting married, and so forth.

In contrast, “living apart together is a relationship setup where your end goal is to not move in together, or at least for the foreseeable future,” Dahlseid said. Essentially, it’s a committed, long-term relationship built around the premise that you’ll live in separate houses. You’re still partners, albeit without living together.

How do relationships benefit from LAT?

It spices things up

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and according to Jeff Guenther, LPC, that rings true for LAT relationships. “Living apart can turn up the heat because you’re not always around each other, so everything feels a bit more special,” Guenther explained in a TikTok video. Plus, there’s a factor of unpredictability that comes with living separately. Falling into a routine is natural when you live with someone, but this setup allows for more flexibility and changes in your routine; you’re not stuck doing the same thing day in and day out with your partner.

It gives you more time for yourself

I think we can all agree that carving out time for yourself is easier said than done. This is especially true when cohabiting with your partner because you unconsciously focus on them and their needs when you should be focusing on your own. Does their laundry need to be switched over? Are they running out of body wash? Blah, blah, blah. But this is where the beauty of a LAT relationship comes in. According to Guenther, your “me time” is already counted for with this setup; you don’t have to carve out time to give yourself special attention or tend to your needs. “It’s a relief not having to consider your partner all the time,” he said.

“Living apart can turn up the heat because you’re not always around each other, so everything feels a bit more special.”

Dahlseid echoes this, saying that living separately from her partner lets her maintain her independence and focus on herself first and foremost. She explained that while she and her partner spend time together when she doesn’t have her children, she still has days to herself. “And then on my parenting time, I’m mainly mom, and I’m doing my business… and I live my life, and we [me and my partner] talk on the phone,” she said.

You’ll likely argue with your partner less

While conflict is practically unavoidable in all relationships, couples are less likely to argue if they’re living apart. This is because there are inherently fewer things to argue about; you’re not fighting over who’s taking the trash out, keeping the other up late, or leaving dirty dishes in the sink—and you sure as hell don’t have to fight over how you’re going to decorate your space. “You get your space just the way you like it, making the time you spend together more about fun and less about chores,” Guenther said.

Can LAT potentially cause relationship turmoil?

The relationship will suffer without strong communication

When discussing the downsides of LAT, Dahlseid explained that, for her, the communication aspect is the biggest one. Because this setup typically involves going long periods of time without seeing each other, staying on top of your communication—texting, talking on the phone, and FaceTiming regularly—is vital. “The communication [needed] to stay connected takes a lot of effort,” Dahlseid explained. It’s not something you can skate with; you have to make it a priority and put your all into it.

You have to schedule time together

According to Dahlseid, actually scheduling time to be together is another downside of this dynamic. Unsurprisingly, this can get stressful, especially if you have conflicting job schedules or lifestyles. You still get to see each other, albeit sporadically, even with opposing schedules and lifestyles since you’re sharing a home; you’ll likely run into one another in the morning, at bedtime, or throughout the day. But you don’t get this luxury if you’re living separately. Instead, you have to actively seek out and carve out time to be with one another. Plus, this can also create a lot of anxiety over when you’re going to see each other again, which in turn might cause unwanted tension in the relationship.

“You get your space just the way you like it, making the time you spend together more about fun and less about chores.”

It can be costly

Even without the current astronomical cost of living, LAT can be costly—especially for married couples who are sharing finances. “LAT relationships come with the financial challenge of maintaining two households. For many couples, this option is simply not feasible,” Dr. Robert Riordan tells Brides. Instead of pooling your resources together, you’re allocating them toward an extra rent or mortgage payment each month.

Too much absence isn’t always a good thing

Likewise, Dr. Riordan also explained to Brides that too much distance might inadvertently cause more pain. “When we are deeply in love, we want physical proximity to the object of our desire. Distance from the object of our affection can stir up jealousy, insecurity, and loneliness,” Dr. Riordan said. When this happens, you or your partner might find yourselves seeking connection elsewhere with someone closer to you; you might unwittingly drive yourselves apart by placing distance between the two of you.

So, can living apart together make your relationship better?

If you’ve cohabited with partners in the past without success, LAT might be right for you. However, if you’re on the fence, there are some things to take into consideration. First, think about what your ideal relationship looks like and what sharing a life means to you. Does this mean sharing a home or supporting each other from the comfort of your own spaces? Take your time thinking about this since we’ve been preconditioned to think that committed relationships involve living together.

Additionally, consider your respective lifestyles. If you both work similar hours and share similar routines but still want to feel like you have autonomy in your life, LAT might be beneficial. Conversely, couples with conflicting schedules and lifestyles will likely suffer from this setup since they’re already spending more time apart. In that case, they’d benefit more from living together.

Relationship Expert and author of I Do (I Think): Conversations About Modern Marriage, Allison Raskin, explained on The Everygirl Podcast that more and more couples are reimagining their own relationship dynamics and putting a modern-day twist on theirs. “Different people like different things,” she said. “There might be marriages where people live in different cities or sleep in different beds.” And guess what? That’s OK. When it comes down to it, only you and your partner know what’s right for your relationship. Whether that means living apart together or sharing a home is nobody’s business but yours.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Arianna Reardon, Contributing Writer

Arianna is a Rhode Island native, professional blogger, and freelance writer. She’s passionate about helping women develop healthy relationships with money, become financially independent, and invest in themselves for the future. Arianna is a firm believer in going after what you want, taking time to stop and smell the roses, and the importance of a good cocktail.

Turning the calendar to October can only mean one thing: It’s time for my annual Gilmore Girls rewatch. As much as I love the show for its beautiful, small-town scenery and ever-changing love stories, I can’t help but get excited for the characters’ early-2000s style, too. Although they’re mother and daughter, Lorelai Gilmore and Rory are incredibly different—and that’s especially true in the style department.

Through the seven seasons of Gilmore Girls, we get to know Rory’s preppy, put-together style contrasted with her mom’s colorful, loud, eclectic outfit choices. While the show’s costumes are undeniably nostalgic (you can definitely tell the show aired from 2000-2007), I recently got myself thinking about what Rory and Lorelai Gilmore would wear if the show aired in fall 2024.

These are six outfits I think the leading ladies of Gilmore Girls would be excited to wear during fall 2024.

For a Bit of Light After-School Reading

Sweater (Alternate Option) | Tote | Jeans | Sunglasses | Belt | Clogs | Socks

Rory’s iconic cable-knit sweater moment actually doesn’t need much altering to work in 2024. She’d cozy up under her favorite tree (before being spotted by Dean) in the same oversized knit that she did in the early aughts, but we think this time, she’d opt for Birkenstock clogs instead of her go-to converse. She’d also update her black backpack (later switched for her infamous yellow backpack) for a practical, carry-all tote bag that’s perfect for throwing over her shoulder and heading out the door.

For Breakfast at Luke’s

Jacket | Sweater (Plus) | Bag | Jeans | Sunglasses | Boots

Lorelai Gilmore was known for a funky sweater (and an insane amount of graphic tees), and she never was afraid to rock one that was, ahem… a little out of the box. We think she’d upgrade her pink dog sweater (could this have been a foreshadowing of Paul Anka?) for this year’s Ralph Lauren version, but she’d make it feel a bit more eclectic through styling. She’d opt for vintage knee-high boots (that she’s had in the back of her closet for 20 years, of course), a leather jacket, and a printed, statement-making bag.

For the First Day at Yale Daily News

Socks | Loafers | Tote | Sweater Tee (Plus) | Jeans

Rory’s style really started to transform at Yale and after graduation (dare we say that she may have been inspired by her grandmother, Emily Gilmore?). Each of the pieces in this outfit—a sweater tee, dark-wash denim, penny loafers—are true to Rory’s classic style. Together, they create a sophisticated outfit that’s worthy of pairing with a pink ostrich Birkin bag (IYKYK).

For a Charity Picnic Basket Auction

Jacket | Belt | Sweater (Plus) | Jeans | Bag | Ballet Flats

We know Lorelai has a thing for shoes (I’m still envious of her boot collection), and she’d love pattern mixing by adding a pair of leopard print ballet flats to her iconic collection. She’d also be a fan of this fall’s barn jacket trend—especially a cropped one, like this option from J.Crew. Not one to go for an all-neutral look, she’d go for an unexpected color combination of navy and cherry red to make this outfit a little more interesting.

Boots | Sweater | Skirt (Plus) | Jacket (Plus) | Belt

Rory might have been onto something the day she decided to go window shopping with Lorelai in a camel-colored leather jacket and a gray mini skirt. This outfit can be modernized by pairing a brown leather jacket with a pleated skort, crewneck sweater, and knee-high boots. The varying neutrals in the original outfit helped to give the look some contrast, which is the case here, too. Sorry Rory, but the fishnets did need to go.

For Date Night at the Black-White-Read Bookstore

Knee-High Boots | Sweater | Mini Skirt (Plus) | Bag | Bracelet

When I first saw this sweater, my mind immediately went to Lorelai Gilmore. With stripes in unexpected colors, it would be a staple in her collection of eclectic knitwear. I think she’d style it for a date night watching Pippi Longstocking at the Black-White-Read Bookstore with a mini skirt, knee-high boots, and a red bag for a fun, autumnal outfit that screams “Lorelai.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Caitlyn Fitzpatrick, Contributing Sex & Relationships Writer

Caitlyn is a New Jersey native and has been a professional writer and editor since 2014. She’s currently a senior editor at Trusted Media Brands, where she edits commerce content for Reader’s Digest, Taste of Home, and Family Handyman. In addition to The Everygirl, Caitlyn’s work can be found in Betches, WhatToWatch.com POPSUGAR, InStyle, StyleCaster, Best Products, Popular Mechanics, and more.

MEET THE AUTHOR

Madeline Galassi, Senior Fashion & Beauty Editor

Madeline Galassi is the Fashion & Beauty Editor at The Everygirl, where she oversees the fashion and beauty categories of the site. She brainstorms, writes, and edits stories across a broad range of topics including trend reports, product reviews, celebrity style, and more. She’s always keeping a pulse on the latest trends to create timely, exciting content for our readers.

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