England slaughtered at Gabbatoir in new low for Bazball

Blessed are the sorrowful, they shall be comforted. Good morning and welcome to coverage of day four of the second Ashes Test at the Gabba. If it is to be the last rites for England in the second Test, as seems inevitable, the last rites for the series, this team and the project will likely soon follow as their critics boot on their best Anello and Davides to pogo on its grave. Barring a miracle, the prospect of which rests only on the shoulders of Ben Stokes by dint of his heroic, improbable rescue of his team in the World Cup final and Headingley Ashes Test of 2019, I am not sure they will survive the amount of ordure in which they are about to be submerged. Of course defeat here still leaves the series technically up for grabs as they head to Adelaide, Melbourne and Sydney where the pitches are less bouncy yet hardly placid, but backing them to do something no England team has ever done before would require the leap of faith of someone too daft to come in from the rain.

Dropped catches, batsmen who habitually either throw it away or get in before succumbing to technical/temperamental flakiness and bowlers for the fourth tour running who consistently bowl the wrong length as if they took the wrong lesson from 2013-14. They all want to be Mitchell Johnson when they are better equipped to be the only marginally less devastating Ryan Harris. And we should not forget that they have been so far outclassed by a team without three of its hall of fame bowlers. England have exposed some flaws but their nuggety character, skill, nous and luck have kept them off the canvas. No point huffing and puffing when the house is made of bricks. You need dynamite or the patience to starve them out.

The warning signs were there when they failed to bowl out India at Old Trafford and reacted with a petulant strop and then lost at the Oval with the opportunity to win a first five-match series for six years when they needed 70 with four down.

Is there anything to cling on to for the rest of this match and the series? Well, given what poor old Marcus Trescothick said when pushed out on mission impossible yesterday to blather on about ‘sticking to principles’ (sometimes right, sometimes wrong, always certain)) and ‘it is what it is’ it’s clear that nothing much will change for the final three Tests. It’s not as if they have a batsman or wicketkeeper to bring in who has played any significant cricket since August. As for today? They have four hours of almost perfect batting conditions for 45 overs with the old ball and the knowledge that Michael Neser stuck it out for 41 balls, Mitchell Starc for 141, Scott Boland for 72 and Brendan Doggett for 21. That’s 45.1 overs for the last four wickets which would be a start