Hosting Christmas for the family nearly killed me

I remember the exact moment I decided that I was done with family Christmases. 

It was 2019 when we hosted Boxing Day even though I felt ill. I didn’t want to let anyone down, so I didn’t cancel – instead, I got an emergency doctor appointment and some antibiotics. 

I felt so weak that I almost fainted in the pharmacy and struggled through the day. I had support from my husband, but it felt almost impossible to achieve.

That night, when everyone was fed and left, I collapsed in bed, but the next day I ended up in hospital with double pneumonia. They discharged me the same day, but I ended up in and out pf hospital for the next six months.

Doctors said afterwards that they weren’t sure I would survive.

I couldn’t believe what my body had gone through – it was an important lesson to put my own needs first. 

I decided that was the last Christmas we would host, nor would we leave our house.

There are a lot of expectations when you have children – the main one being that other people want access to them. This is ramped up at Christmas. Our children are the only grandchildren in my husband’s family, so of course, our relatives want to spend Christmas with them.

For a couple of years after they came along, we used to travel between Scotland, London and Guilford to spend Christmas Day with my family in Lanarkshire and between my husband’s family separately as his parents are divorced and live just outside of London. 

It was stressful and I always felt I was taking the children from pillar to post. I feel for anyone who has to travel at Christmas. It’s a hellish experience as trains are overcrowded and expensive. I once had to stand with my baby daughter on an eight-hour trip to Glasgow. 

In 2017, my son was two and my daughter only two months-old. I was trying to breastfeed her, and take care of my oldest, and while four generations of our family were enjoying their meal, I spent hours pacing, trying to settle the kids and not ruin everyone else’s lunch.

When I finally managed to sit down, my food – eaten with one hand as I rocked the baby – was stone cold.

I could not stop thinking about how there must be a better way.

I told my family that we would not be spending Christmases with extended family anymore and my husband broke it to his. Mostly, they seemed to take it well; my mother also accepted it admirably, saying she did not blame us and it was best for the children.

Instead of expecting us or coming to us, my parents spend Christmas with my brothers and nephew, who all live in Scotland. 

Some family members were upset, however. They want to see the children, which is understandable, but we can’t prioritise one family member over another. 

I think a part of my husband enjoys hosting but it means he is in the kitchen all day. While I appreciate him picking up the culinary slack, I do everything else: the cleaning that needs to be done to host, taking care of our children, building the lego and changing endless batteries. 

My husband also has a different standard of ‘tidy’ – it looks like a before picture of when I do it. It’s gotten to a point where I just do it myself to save the hassle.

While our children are so young, I do not need anyone else to take care of: the emotional labour of hosting is not fair on me.

Then there is the cost — food, alcohol and little things like napkins and Christmas crackers. Not having to travel or host saves us hundreds of pounds – we once spent £500 going to Scotland and back.

Luckily, my husband agreed with my No-Host Christmas plan and we held firm. We were putting our children first. There are still relatives who ask every year what our plans are hoping that we have changed our minds but we are doing the right thing for our family.

Now we refuse to host, or go to relatives, it is just us and our children in our own home. 

Our traditions include stockings, which we put a lot of effort into, as well as hot chocolate with marshmallows. 

We FaceTime various relatives so they feel part of the day, eat lots of chocolate and my husband and I will have champagne. We spend hours rescuing toys from boxes with too much packaging, putting in batteries, and building LEGO, and we usually go for a walk and watch a lot of television.

It is low-key and fun.

We make such a big deal of Christmas Day, but the festive period is more than just one day. Christmas – especially with small children – is both a marathon and a sprint. 

We are happy for a family member to come around on Boxing Day but it will be a relaxed affair. No cooking, no expectations – just leftovers, television and a walk. We try to see family members at some other point in December and definitely after Christmas.

I do have a wobble sometimes. I love our family and the children are lucky to have four grandparents as well as their various aunts and uncles.

It is nice to catch up with family, especially as life is so busy. Eating together is always a bonding experience but luckily family members have somewhere else to go – no one spends Christmas alone.