I got a TV makeover from Trinny and Susannah. My verdict? May the curse of a thousand lobsters infest their underpants

AS the tour-de-force behind Top Gear, Clarkson’s Farm and, most recently, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, Jeremy Clarkson knows a thing or two about telly.

So, to celebrate 30 years of his columns being published in The Sun, we’re revisiting his most brutally honest reflections on what’s happened on the box over the last few decades – and the shows that got it VERY wrong.

Since his very first column on January 25, 1996, when Jeremy wrote about Princess Di’s new car, he has been making us – and you – laugh week in week out.

Whether it’s ripping into Ant and Dec or “that weatherman who did for Piers Morgan”, no stars on our screens have escaped his ire, either.

April 5, 2003, after a makeover on BBC2’s What Not To Wear: 

TRINNY and Susannah: May the curse of a thousand lobsters infest your underpants.

May 3, 2003:

I tuned into the first edition of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! on Monday and thought it was … utter rubbish.

Two small men called Ant and Lard spent most of the show reading out telephone numbers.

December 24, 2011:

I was genuinely staggered this week to learn the BBC is spending £1,700 a week on booze.

I thought Keith Floyd was dead.

May 8, 2021:

Like just about everyone else in Britain, I sat through Line Of Duty wondering how an AFO in AC-12 could have a CHIS and without consulting a TSG or the NCS, let a UCO know that an ARV was inbound.

April 20, 2024:

When I first saw Hannah Waddingham in Ted Lasso, I remember thinking she was almost certainly what God had in mind when he made Eve. The perfect woman.

February 28, 2025, on Amazon’s purchase of the James Bond franchise

In one important respect, the Bond movies of old are bang up to date.

I watched You Only Live Twice when it came out and remember thinking, “Right. I see. So this baddie hollowed out a volcano and filled it with space rockets and no one noticed?

None of the workers went home at night and told their wives what they’d been doing all day.”

It was the same story with Drax in Moonraker, the only Bond film I didn’t enjoy. Because they were asking us to believe that a businessman could become so rich, he’d have a fleet of his own spaceships.

And here we are in 2025, and that is exactly what has happened.

There really are people now who can do that.

And while I don’t want to be seen to be biting the hand that feeds me, one of them has exactly the same haircut as Blofeld.

Answers to the name of Bezos. Jeff Bezos.

June 7, 2025:

I had a bit of a problem with my heart last autumn. And if you want to know what caused it, have a look at the last two episodes of Clarkson’s Farm. 

There’s no doubt in my mind that the unbelievable stress of opening a pub while trying to do the harvest caused the issue.

Well, that and 40 years of living a life that in no way mirrored Gwyneth Paltrow’s.

January 9, 2026:

All week we were told that the storm of the century was coming and millions would be minced in the juggernaut’s passage of destruction.

People were told to shelter in their cellars.

Homes in Norfolk were evacuated and on the news, that weatherman who did for Piers Morgan at ITV was behaving like Billy Bob Thornton in Armageddon: “It’s heading towards us at 27,000mph and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

So on Thursday, I sent the staff home early, herded all the animals into shelters, battened down the hatches and waited for the end to arrive.

And what did we get up here in the normally freezing Cotswolds?

A light breeze and five minutes of sleet.

People really do need to stop panicking.