My honest review of The Hoxton’s ‘hideout room’ that has no windows

In a new series, Rooms Without Views, our travel experts spend the night in windowless hotel rooms to see if they’re worth sacrificing natural light.

As my friend and I lingered over our empty plates, we knew the time had come. ‘I suppose we better get back to our crypt then,’ she sighed.

We were staying at The Hoxton in London’s Shepherd’s Bush, but not in one of the 228 rooms above ground — we were in the basement.

If you’ve ever sipped a cocktail at a Hoxton bar, or put a shift in at their co-working spaces, you’ve probably wondered what it might be like to stay at one of the 18 boutique hotels across the globe.

Londoners in particular are obsessed with the chain — perhaps because it originated right here in Shoreditch. So, when the chance to stay in a Hoxton came across my desk, I jumped at it.

Except, there was a disclaimer: I would be sleeping in a windowless hotel room, as part of new Metro‘s new mini-series, reviewing London’s rooms without views.

‘I don’t think it’ll be an issue,’ I’d confidently stated to my bestie, when roping her in to to be my plus one. ‘It’s the Hoxton, after all.’

It won’t surprise you to hear that, of course, I hadn’t quite appreciated what I was getting myself into.

‘Where, exactly, are my exits?’

As the lift doors opened on the lower ground floor, the hubbub of the Hoxton’s lively reception area felt like a world away.

There was a distinct sense of being in the bowels of the ship. It was eerily quiet, not helped by several doors with ‘nothing to see here’ written across them.

When I stepped inside my ‘Hideout’ room, I did so as I imagine a mobster might when walking into a crowded restaurant. Where, exactly, are my exits?

The first thing that struck me was the size. At just 156sqft, these rooms are, unsurprisingly, the hotel’s smallest. Space for just a bed, two side tables and a small clothes rail.

But, you’re paying for what you get. Prices for an overnight midweek stay in January start at £170.10 for a Hideout, a steal compared to the Roomy (the largest two-person room), which has a starting price tag of £269.10.

As this is the Hoxton, however, size is no reason to sacrifice style. It’s all Art Deco vibes in earthy hues, with cosy lighting and bespoke statement furniture.

But my room was missing those little luxurious touches. Complimentary toiletries were sparse (no toothpaste) while the minibar was stocked with just water and milk.

But the part of the room I just couldn’t take my eyes off?

The fake sky-light. A sort of frosted plastic covered what I’m guessing was an LED strip light, intended to give the illusion of natural light coming from above.

All it did for me though, was remind me that fresh air was a few flights of stairs away, and in this subterranean spot, no one would hear me scream…

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Hello! I’m Kristina Beanland, Metro’s lifestyle editor.

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Whether it’s oysters at Seabird or tirimasu at Il Bambini, dining at a Hoxton never fails to disappoint.

The same can be said for Chet’s, the Thai-American restaurant at Hoxton Shepherd’s Bush.

The vibes were impeccable — buzzing even on a Wednesday night — and the waiting staff (much like anyone I came across wearing a Hox t-shirt) were lovely.

If you’re not sure what Thai-American fusion is, think a hot chicken sandwich with Thai glaze, sides of sticky wings and ‘tingling’ onion (essentially fancy onion rings), as well as various curry and noodle dishes.

The hero offering is their Pineapple Rice — an egg fried rice with peanuts, eggs, onion, and Nam Pla Prik, all served with ceremony in half a pineapple.

It’s certainly an attention-grabber. Midway through our meal, a fellow diner arrived and asked if he could try the half-eaten dish that sat on our table, before ordering it for himself.

Yes, I was alarmed by a total stranger picking up my fork and eating the food off my plate, but I kind of respect him for it. And yes, he ordered his own, too.

Hot and bothered

Collapsing into my bed, slightly pissed on Vinho Verde, I felt optimistic. With no noise and no light, I’d be in a booze-fuelled slumber in no-time.

And while I did indeed fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, I woke up in the wee hours, to find my bestie also lying awake.

‘What if there’s a fire?’ she whispered. Meanwhile, my main concern was escaping an axe-wielding maniac who’d somehow chosen the Hoxton for his next victim.

The truth is, of course, both of our concerns were completely unfounded.

Hoxton hotels have robust fire safety measures in place across all of their properties, and as far as I knew, there was no killer on the loose.

And yet, I couldn’t shake the feeling that we were a bit too out of the way down here.

Opening a window, or simply glancing out onto the streets of London might have helped quell our nerves. Instead, we closed our eyes, and tried not to dream about being buried alive.

My verdict

Would I stay in the Hoxton again? 1000% yes.

Would I stay in a windowless room? Honestly, probably not.

But, I’ll caveat that my own tolerance for enclosed spaces may be very different to yours.

If needing to know your escape route (yes, I’m in therapy) isn’t a huge cause for concern, then you’ll probably have a lovely time hunkered down in a Hideout room.

For those without an ounce of claustrophobia, I imagine it’s a distraction-free spot for a perfect night’s sleep. You might even find it romantic if you’re staying with that special someone.

Plus, you get all the fun of staying in a Hoxton (namely, sipping cocktails into the wee hours at Chet’s, without navigating The Tube afterwards), but for a fraction of the usual price.

For me though, there’ll be no repeat performance. Perhaps it’s the fact I’ve spent nearly a decade sleeping to the soundtrack of London’s sirens and late-night revellers — but next time, I’m going to need a window.

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