Share The Festive Load (And Avoid Resentment) This Christmas

Every parent knows that the merriment and magic-making surrounding Christmas requires time, energy, and often more capacity than any of us have.

Upended schedules, school plays, non-uniform days, PTA events, parties, end-of-year work deadlines, gift-giving, cooking, baking, entertaining – the mental load, which is hard enough to juggle at the best of times, gets thrown into a pressure cooker.

And if one of you assumes the other is happy to manage everything, it won’t take long to reach breaking point.

It’s no wonder the first working Monday of the new year is often referred to as “Divorce Day”, when the strain over the holidays gets too much, and old wounds and buried resentments resurface.

For most couples, divorce isn’t on the cards. But the holidays can still churn up emotions we’ve managed to bury for most of the year; resentment and frustration can boil over and explode during this intensified time.

If you find yourself feeling withdrawn, short-tempered, unsupported, unseen and unheard – you’re not alone.

Take a step back and think about this while wearing your professional hat: would you ever host a major event without a detailed plan? Would you ever launch a new product without a communications campaign? And would you ever do the whole thing alone?

Think of your household as a mini organisation, and December is your biggest annual event. You need to come together as a team to make it a success.

So, set a time to sit down with your spouse or partner (and the kids if they’re old enough), and use the following questions as a guide. The end result is (hopefully) a smoother, happier, argument-free holiday season.

1. With a shared calendar, review all necessary events: school plays, worship services, Christmas parties, family gatherings.

2. In work settings we use the word ‘objective’. For the family, let’s stick to priorities. Take a deep breath, and each share your top two priorities for the holiday. (Use this opportunity wisely! These should be selfish. Maybe you don’t want to do dishes for two hours on Christmas night, or you want several hours on Boxing Day to do shopping, or you want to attend your work party and stay late without guilt.) Name what is truly important to you and respect each other’s wishes. It might help to add WHY these are important: maybe they don’t want to do dishes, not because they are lazy, but because they love the end-of-the-day snuggles with kids by the tree. Maybe shopping on Boxing Day is the alone time needed to get through the remainder of the school holiday. Maybe the work party is a way to get on the boss’s good side going into the new year.

3. If your kids are old enough, ask them their priorities as well! If the kids are still little, agree on three priorities you know they love.

4. Look at everyone’s priorities collectively and talk about how to keep those as the focus. Are any of them conflicting? Do you have the resources to make everything happen? If any priorities cannot be met, reset expectations now to prevent disappointment on Christmas morning. What are you going to let go of this year because it’s just too much?

5. Now it is time to make a mini action plan. Create a to-do list together, including everything that needs to happen to meet everyone’s expectations. Include deadlines, and decide who is taking responsibility for which task. Be careful to divide as evenly as possible (including all the gift lists) – one person should not be taking on 80% of the tasks. It’s good to discuss consequences too: what is going to happen if one of you drops the ball and doesn’t complete their list? What impact will that have on the family?

6. Finally, set follow-up meetings. Sit down together 1-2 times a week throughout the holidays to check in, troubleshoot, see where you might need additional help, and hold each other accountable.

It’s time to leave resentment in 2025 and let the holidays be the start of something new.

Rachel Childs is a parenting equity expert, founder of Parents That Work and co-host at Equal-ish, the parenting podcast.