What Is The ‘Biff Method’?

You might have heard of “grey rocking”, a method which experts say can make dealing with narcissistic and high-conflict people a little easier.

It involves keeping comments and responses to antagonistic individuals short, boring, and emotionally uninvested.

And, therapist Danielle Pinals shared on her Instagram, the “BIFF” method might help those dealing with a narcissist ensure they don’t “allow you to get derailed by emotional manipulation or control”.

Here, we spoke to relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos, about how (and when) to try the BIFF method.

Coined by Bill Eddy at the High Conflict Institute, the term stands for “brief, informative, friendly, and firm”.

In other words, don’t spend too long explaining yourself, stay courteous, make sure you relay only the relevant information, and stick to your guns.

An example, the High Conflict Institute explained, could be getting a very long, angry text accusing you of being a terrible person and mother because you asked your coparent to take the kids to your boss’s birthday during their stay.

A BIFF response, they said, would be: “Thank you for responding to my request… Just to clarify, the party will be from 3-5 on Friday at the office, and there will be approximately 30 people there.

“There will be no alcohol, as it is a family-oriented firm, and there will be family-oriented activities. I think it will be a good experience for them to see me at my workplace. Since you do not agree, then of course I will respect that and withdraw my request, as I recognise it is your parenting time.”

Aside from being useful for navigating situations like divorce and coparenting, Roos said, “it can also be helpful during conflicts at work, with relatives and your partner’s family.”

This does not have to be limited to people you suspect of narcissm, though it may be useful then too.

In fact, she added, “I would recommend people to use the BIFF method when they notice that the conversation starts to get loaded, [accusatory], or [circular and] aggressive. It’s especially useful in written communication, such as in emails or SMS.”

Following the BIFF method significantly decreases the chance of escalation, she added.

“I see this as a great way to protect both yourself and the relationship in question as it helps you set boundaries without being cold, cynical or aggressive,” she ended.

“And while it’s far from easy all the time, it’s definitely a strategy worth getting better at as it’ll help you long term with getting more peaceful, communicative and mature relationships, no matter if they’re private or professional.”