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For Charlotte*, Christmas lost its magic in her early twenties. Once a season of joy and security, it became a time marked by isolation, fear, and violence after she moved in with her boyfriend – a man she had fallen for just weeks earlier, charmed by his seemingly kind and charismatic demeanour.
But the charm soon faded. Within months, he controlled every aspect of her life, barring her from seeing friends, limiting contact with her mother, and attaching a price to basic freedoms like going to work.
The couple’s first Christmas together set the tone. While he visited his family, Charlotte was left alone, forbidden from seeing her own. The second was even worse.
“I remember we had the tree and decorations up,” she told The Independent, “and I was relieved because I was home alone and safe for a bit.”
But that relief was short-lived. Her partner returned from drinking at their neighbour’s home in a furious rage. “He ripped down the tree, tore off the lights, stood in front of me, and punched me in the face. It was horrendous,” she recalled.
Charlotte said Christmas had “always been magical” in her childhood home, a place of comfort and safety with her parents. “You just assume it’ll be the same when you move out with your boyfriend,” she reflected. “But Christmas was never Christmas in that situation. He would always blame the stress of Christmas or the drinking – but there is never an excuse.”
Although Charlotte eventually escaped, her story is far from unique. Thousands of others will spend this Christmas in similarly abusive situations, hidden behind closed doors.
That’s why The Independent has partnered with charity Refuge for its Brick by Brick campaign, to raise funds to build two houses for women and children escaping abuse.
The initial £300,000 target was passed thanks to generous donations from readers. More than £520,000 in donations has flooded in so far, and plans are already underway for a second home.
Be a brick, buy a brick and donate here or text BRICK to 70560 to donate £15
Abigail Ampofo, interim CEO of Refuge, said: “During this time of year, you will likely read many headlines about domestic abuse reports increasing. Christmas is often linked to domestic abuse, and this can cause misunderstanding and misrepresentation of the experiences of survivors.
“Domestic abuse doesn’t happen because it is Christmas – it happens all year round, and it is a choice a perpetrator makes. It is the abuser’s conscious actions, and their actions alone that are to blame, not external events or circumstances.
“However, we do know that for many survivors, this time of year can be challenging, as it often brings increased financial pressures and restricted access to support services due to seasonal closures. It can also be difficult for survivors with children, with societal pressure to have a ‘perfect family Christmas’ weighing heavily on many women.”
For Olivia*, the societal pressures surrounding Christmas made her ordeal in an abusive relationship even harder to bear.
“So much of Christmas is about having a really nice time and being together as a family,” the 34-year-old told this publication. “I felt like I had to make it work – to hold my family and relationship together – despite what I was going through, because everyone around me seemed so happy.”
Olivia, now a survivor ambassador and trustee for the domestic abuse charity Solace, having previously accessed their services, vividly recalls the abuse she endured. On one occasion, her partner grabbed her hair as they drove home from a festive outing. At other times, he smothered her, slammed her into a car window, and forced her to hide her social media activity.
“I felt like if I reached out to emergency services, I’d be a burden because of staff shortages, or I might not be believed – dismissed as it just being a family fight at Christmas,” she said.
The pressure to maintain the illusion of a happy holiday season made it even harder for her to seek help. “Even though I was more likely to see family and friends around Christmas, I felt the need to hide what was going on. I wanted to open up, but I couldn’t.”
With the help of services such as Solace, Emily was able to eventually leave for a better future.
For Jane*, Christmas was a season of fear and control, spent walking on eggshells during her 23-year marriage to her abuser.
Now 55, Jane endured years of emotional abuse, which escalated to severe sexual abuse in 2012 when she told her husband she intended to leave him. Cut off from friends and family, Christmas became a time of complete isolation as the world around her shut down for the festive season.
“Christmas for me was very stressful because it meant isolation and being stuck in four walls under his control,” she said. “When the schools were open, I could do the school run and talk to people – even though he was timing me – but it was the one time I could be around others.”
Even opening presents brought no relief from the tension. Jane knew that any expensive gift came with expectations she dreaded.
“He would film my reaction opening my presents, and I couldn’t relax because I knew he would be expecting something from me,” she said. “I was constantly on edge.”
For Jess*, 27, leaving her abusive relationship just a week before Christmas was an agonising decision – but one she knows saved her.
The abuse, which began less than a year into the relationship, quickly escalated into physical violence. By the time Christmas approached, Jess realised she could no longer stay.
“I remember it being a really sad Christmas,” she said. “You just want that family unit, and it’s completely destroyed. It was mentally exhausting, and I was terrified he would show up.”
Despite the pain of that day, Jess feels immense relief that she took the step to leave. “I’m so glad I wasn’t with him,” she said. “It would have been so much worse if I hadn’t gotten out. Things are much better now.”
Refuge’s 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247 all year round, including Christmas day, and confidential live chat is accessible online via www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk.”
You can find out more about Solace here or if you need help now, call 0808 802 5565.
Please donate now to the Brick by Brick campaign, launched by The Independent and charity Refuge, to help raise another £300,000 to build a second safe space for women where they can escape domestic abuse, rebuild their lives and make a new future. Text BRICK to 70560 to donate £15
*Names have been changed.
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