Things change when you turn 80. Health is involved, but not in the way we usually think of age and medical stuff. Instead, there is the moment – that magical instance when people you met three minutes ago think they now have a license to raise the most intimate questions.
“So tell me,” they ask, “how do you account for such good health at your age?”
This question includes various assumptions. It implies that I want to talk about health, that I wish to talk about my health, that I do not have a terminal condition that will result in a sudden collapse, and that I know something about health – maybe a special inside secret I might reveal to a stranger.
These assumptions are tragically wrong, and here is what I want them to know:
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I have no interest in talking about health matters, especially when they involve me. Instead, I believe there is a zone of privacy that people should respect.
Just because I’m 80 and older than 96% of the population does not mean I’m required to answer questions from people I don’t know or even questions from people I do know.
My current medical condition is a private matter, and I hope yours is too. I really don’t want to know about your lumbago or that oozing sore on your lower lip. (And please, please, don’t try to hug me on the way out.)
There is no secret longevity formula. When I see my doctor and answer his questions about my health, he never looks at me and says, “Oh wow, that’s amazing. Medical science spends hundreds of billions of dollars a year on research, yet no one ever thought of your approach.”
Most importantly, I don’t know why I’m among the fortunate few to not only be 80 but also be in good health – good health, but not perfect health. I have a suspicion about this, but it disappoints most investigators.
My theory? You don’t get to be my age without a lot of luck.
Think of the Silicon Valley folks who are spending millions of dollars to attain what I have. Their days are built around copious amounts of exercise, pill consumption by the bucket and the careful documentation of each burp and callus. They don’t seem to be having a lot of fun, which to me is one of the great benefits of having their money.
Meanwhile, regardless of how many pills they take, such rich people are just like the rest of us; they can still get hit by a truck or die from an aneurysm. As Roseanne Roseannadanna (Gilda Radner) wisely told us long ago on SNL, “It’s always something – if it’s not one thing, it’s another”.
The standard recommendations for a longer health span tell us to drink less, exercise more, lose weight, don’t smoke, stay away from drugs, sleep seven or eight hours a night, get a dog, take care of our teeth, get married, stay married and see a doctor regularly. Oh, and genetics count. It’s a plus if your family has a history of longevity.
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Got it. It’s great advice. But in some sense, it may not matter. Take genetics. We can’t change our birth parents. And money matters. Those with a high net worth tend to live longer than those without.
In any case, we all know of good people who died young. As the great economist John Maynard Keynes told us, “In the long run, we are all dead.” (If you want one reason why economics is described as the “dismal science”, there you have it.)
Better life spans are already here. For instance, people live longer in France (about 83.5 years), Canada (82.7 years), and Japan (84.8 years) than we do in the U.S. (79.5 years), according to the World Population Review.
So here’s a thought. Instead of spending millions of dollars to improve longevity, maybe a few Silicon Valley tech bros could just book passage to locations where people live longer. Or come back in their next life as a woman. Women, after all, typically live longer than men, and given all the nonsense they put up with, a few more years only seems fair.
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And if we should ever meet, please – I beg you – don’t ask how I remain both old and hearty. I don’t know. Honestly. But you might want to buy a truckload of cornflakes…
Peter G. Miller is an author and veteran newspaper columnist. He wrote seven books published originally by Harper & Row, including one with a co-author. Peter has been an accredited correspondent on Capitol Hill, a member of the White House Correspondents Association and the author of a nationally syndicated newspaper column. He was the original creator and host of the AOL Real Estate Desk, one of the earliest comprehensive real estate and mortgage areas online. Peter has been featured on “Oprah!,” the “Today” show, NPR, CNN, CNBC and many other media outlets. He currently writes the “Silver Lining Report” on Substack.
Jade Jones made it three wins from three this year when she beat Sheena Bathory in Newcastle
Welsh boxer Jade Jones immediately called out her next opponent after beating Sheena Bathory last night to claim her third win of the year.
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The Olympic champion stopped ‘The Hungarian Hurricane’ after four rounds on the Misfits card in Newcastle.
That makes it the third win of the year for the former taekwondo legend, who appeared on the undercard of the Big Stacks v Jordan McCann fight in the north east.
Bathory was bloodied at the end of the fourth round of what was scheduled to be a five-round contest. The bout was far from pretty but Jones dominated from start to finish.
Victory means Jones is now the MFB women’s super middleweight champion.
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“I didn’t really do my plan, I was supposed to box, so I don’t think Swifty is really that happy with me,” she said to DAZN after the fight.
“But I think I have shown toughness, I’ve shown I can take a few shots, I wanted to test the chin, what better girl to test it with than Sheena.
“To be honest I’m not really that happy about it,” she added of her own performance. “I didn’t think I stuck to my plan, but I’ve shown I’m from Flint, I’m a fighter, I want to get rough and ready, we’re the one, don’t mess about with the Flint people!”
On what’s next, she said: “Keep improving, now I’ve got the belts, I hold all the cards, people are going to have to come fight for me.”
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Cris Cyborg was also mentioned as a possible next opponent for the north Walian.
“I’ve got the belt, so I hold all the cards,” Jones said.
“Now people have got to come and fight me to fight for this belt. Mams [Taylor] keeps talking about Cyborg.
“Obviously, she’s a very top competitor, so who knows? Maybe I need a couple more first, but she’s definitely in my sights.”
The former Top Gear presenter is in remission after revealing on the latest series of Clarkson’s Farm that he had been diagnosed with “aggressive” prostate cancer.
The 66-year-old chose to have high-intensity focused ultrasound (HIFU), a minimally invasive medical procedure that uses high-frequency soundwaves to heat and destroy targeted cancer cells.
His partner of nine years, Lisa Hogan, says he was initially reluctant to share his diagnosis with the public.
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She told the Daily Star Sunday: “I’m really happy he caught his prostate cancer early and I’m really proud of him for putting it on the show, because that was a really big decision.
“When I was filming him in hospital at first, he said, ‘Please don’t’.
“It was (producer) Andy Wilman who convinced him to do it, to help everybody else. When the show came out, Prostate Cancer UK had 30,000 people going on to their website in one day.”
Hogan says Clarkson has also benefitted from opening up to those around him.
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“Yes, of course it was a terrible worry,” she added. “But what I did encourage him to do was to talk to his friends.
“He didn’t want to initially, but he’s got lots of friends who’ve been through the same thing and he’s been talking to them about it. I think that’s really helped.”
Clarkson revealed in June that he is in remission.
The Wellington Inn in Alma Terrace, Fishergate, has been open a month now.
Landlady Isabel Redfern-Smith says things have been “going really well”.
The Press called by on Friday lunchtime, a month to the day the historic ‘wet-led’ pub re-opened and found a few drinkers inside enjoying the fine day.
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Isabel said of the first month: “We have been busy. Everybody is positive. We have had really good feedback from all the old faces and the new faces.”
Isabel, who runs the pub with husband Henry, says the best seller has been the Old Brewery Bitter “which has been going down a treat.”
“Everybody is loving it,” she continued.
Prior to coming to York from Featherstone, the couple had been running their family-owned pub in Pontefract. Henry also had a small brewery.
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Isabel Redfern-Smith and Henry Smith behind the bar, as taken from outside the pub through the front window, so as not to breach brewery policy on digital devices. (Image: Darren Greenwood)
Isabel continued: “Customers know how Henry keeps the beer. The stout is also going down a treat.”
The Wellington Inn, which is affectionately known as ‘the Welly,’ has been receiving rave reviews online since the young couple took over.
The latest TripAdvisor review was from “a regular who will continue to be a regular,” who awarded five stars out of five.
The review continued: “I am a regular at the Wellie and the hand pulled bitter has never been better, a big thanks to our new friendly hosts Henry and Isobel.”
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The latest review on Google gave four stars and said: “Great Samuel Smith’s pub. Had a revamp since I’d last been, but it has kept its character. Excellent beer at a great price.”
Another recent comment gave five stars and said: “A fabulous authentic original Sam Smith’s pub with an abundance of character. Fantastic well-kept beer. Your Host and hostess are a truly warm wonderful, friendly young couple whom make everyone feel welcome.”
Isabel Redfern-Smith and Henry Smith behind the bar, as taken from outside the pub through the front window, so as not to breach brewery policy on digital devices. (Image: Darren Greenwood)
The re-opening of ‘The Welly’ comes as Sam Smith’s brewery has stepped up its efforts to re-open its pubs across the country.
As recently reported, Tom Taverner of Malton, who keeps a list of which of the Tadcaster-based brewery’s pubs are open or closed, recorded 18 re-openings nationally since the start of June.
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The Sam Smith’s pubs that have reopened since the start of June, he says, include the Golden Ball, Scarborough; Angel & White Horse, Tadcaster; Ebor Inn, Bishopthorpe; Wellington Inn, York; Tankard Inn, Rufforth; and the Red Lion at Bramham, near Wetherby.
Speaking to BOYLE Sports, who offer the latest Premier League odds, Petit said: “Mikel Arteta has been rebuilding Arsenal step by step and I really liked the way they worked on the transfer market this summer, bringing some players in and trying to make the squad as competitive as possible. It was like watching them create a painting.
For years, Roger Hardy kept trying to explain away the agonising pain in his nose.
As a sculptor, the 56-year-old was used to working amid clouds of sawdust, metal shavings and white spirit, so when his nose began throbbing, it seemed logical to blame the fumes and dust in his Suffolk studio.
But gradually the burning sensation spread across his face. His nose became red and inflamed, mucus left him struggling to breathe and the pain became so severe at night that he could barely sleep.
‘It started taking over my life,’ recalls Roger. ‘The constant throbbing pain – which was accompanied by mucus – was really exhausting. It was so sore at night that I had to breathe through my mouth.’
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Eventually, his GP diagnosed sinusitis – inflammation of the air-filled spaces behind the forehead, cheeks and nose – and prescribed antibiotics, followed by steroid nasal sprays.
The treatment helped, but each time Roger stopped using the spray, the pain returned.
Yet today, after years of recurring symptoms, Roger says he is virtually symptom-free – thanks not to another drug, but to one surprisingly simple change to his diet: He gave up dairy.
Within four or five days of making that one small tweak, he says, the burning pain and congestion that had plagued him for years had almost completely disappeared.
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As a sculptor, Roger Hardy was used to working amid clouds of sawdust, metal shavings and white spirit, so when his nose began throbbing, it seemed logical to blame the fumes and dust
‘I couldn’t quite believe it,’ he says. ‘After years of pain, my symptoms had virtually gone.’
The idea that dairy can worsen congestion and other respiratory symptoms is hardly new. For generations, milk has been blamed for producing ‘excess mucus’ – a claim largely dismissed by doctors as a myth because studies found that drinking milk does not actually increase nasal secretions.
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But scientists are now investigating a subtly different possibility: that in a small group of people, an allergy or sensitivity to foods including cow’s milk can contribute to the inflammation underlying chronic sinus problems.
And emerging research suggests diet more generally may have a greater influence on the condition than previously thought.
The turnaround for Roger came four years after his problems started, when his wife suggested he consult a private nutritionist.
Initially, he was sceptical. ‘I’ve never smoked, I don’t drink alcohol, I’m fairly fit and I eat a well-balanced diet. I couldn’t see what a nutritionist could do for me,’ he says.
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But during the consultation, the possibility was raised that something in his diet could be contributing to his symptoms – with dairy identified as a potential trigger.
At the time, dairy featured heavily in Roger’s diet, from yoghurt at breakfast and after dinner, to butter and cheese at lunch. He decided to cut it out completely – and within days, he says, his symptoms had virtually disappeared.
While experts stress that dairy is unlikely to explain every case of chronic sinusitis, there is some evidence it may contribute to symptoms in some patients
While experts stress that dairy is unlikely to explain every case of chronic sinusitis, there is some evidence it may contribute to symptoms in some patients.
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A 2011 study published in the American Journal of Rhinology & Allergy found that hidden milk allergies may play a role in some cases of chronic sinus disease.
Researchers at the Medical University of Vienna found that one in seven patients with chronic sinusitis had an undiagnosed cow’s milk allergy – compared with none of the healthy volunteers studied.
According to Dr Carl Philpott, an ear, nose and throat surgeon and professor of rhinology at the University of East Anglia, questions about dairy are common among sinusitis sufferers. ‘A lot of people in my clinic ask me about dairy,’ he says.
‘I typically recommend what’s known as an elimination diet – whereby patients cut out dairy for a week and see if their symptoms improve.’
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More recently, a 2026 review found that anti-inflammatory diets were linked with better sinus health, while diets high in fat and ultra-processed foods were associated with a greater burden of symptoms.
However, the review’s authors stressed that the evidence remains limited, adding that larger clinical trials are needed before dietary changes can be routinely recommended as a treatment.
But Dr Philpott says there is a plausible biological explanation for why diet may influence symptoms in some patients.
‘I couldn’t quite believe it,’ says Roger. ‘After years of pain, my symptoms had virtually gone’
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‘Chronic sinusitis appears to be a local immunological problem,’ he says. ‘The lining of the nose and sinuses becomes overly sensitive to environmental exposures, such as dust, pollen and infections over time – which is why most patients present with symptoms later in life, often in their early 50s.
‘So it is plausible that underlying allergies, intolerances and dietary factors could contribute to symptoms in some patients.’
For most sufferers, however, treatment will still involve more conventional measures.
Specialists often recommend regular saline nasal rinsing, which can help wash away mucus, allergens and inflammatory debris.
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And while steroid nasal sprays can be used to control inflammation, patients should be wary of relying for too long on a different type – over-the-counter decongestant sprays.
This is because of the risk of ‘rebound’ congestion – i.e. they end up making symptoms worse with overuse – something that 60 per cent of pharmacists believe patients are unaware of, according to research by the Royal Pharmaceutical Society.
‘Like with many health conditions, early diagnosis and treatment of chronic sinusitis can make a significant difference,’ says Dr Philpott. ‘Long-term antibiotics do not seem to help the majority of patients, and if the condition is picked up late, many can end up relying on steroid nasal sprays for life.
‘Since the pandemic, we are seeing more patients presenting with quite severe disease, which can be much more difficult to manage.
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He adds: ‘If you do suffer from persistent symptoms, be religious about nasal rinsing twice a day. And if you’ve done that for three months and are still struggling, ask your GP for a referral to an ENT specialist.’
Man Utd striker Benjamin Sesko is back to full fitness after recovering from a shin injury that he aggravated last season.
Benjamin Sesko could make his first start for Manchester United in the Premier League for 133 days in the Manchester derby.
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Michael Carrick is likely to revert to a striker-less attacking line for Manchester City’s visit to Old Trafford, but Sesko gave his manager something to think about by scoring against Sabah SK in the Champions League.
Sesko made his first start of the season against Sabah, which he “really enjoyed” after making appearances from the bench in United’s opening league games against Hull, Ipswich Town and Everton.
Whether Carrick believes Sesko is the right choice to play up front against City, a game in which his team will try to counter-attack, remains to be seen, but he is back to full fitness after recovering from a shin injury.
“I got a kick last season, but it was also a little bit of an overload from myself,” Sesko said, referring to a challenge from Liverpool defender Ibrahima Konate in May, which aggravated an existing shin injury.
The kick from Konate was enough to keep Sesko out of pre-season entirely. He did not play a single minute across the summer, but insiders were adamant that he would return for the first game against Hull.
“It was basically just to make sure that it doesn’t get worse because this was kind of a problem,” he explained.
“We just needed a little bit longer, longer than usual, because if you start too early, it might appear again. And I think waiting a little bit longer was a great decision, and now it’s healed, so it’s perfect.”
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Sesko stayed behind at Carrington over the summer while United made trips around Europe, and photos published by the club’s in-house photographer showed that he’d used the time to bulk up.
The Slovenia international deliberately cut in the weeks before the season to be more agile, though. “Obviously, I had quite some time from the injury to gain some muscle,” he said.
“I lost a lot because I was overweight with muscles, and I couldn’t really move so much, but now I feel very good and I think I’m in the right place at the moment.”
Sesko now feels he’s in the best place he’s been in since his arrival from RB Leipzig last year. “Way better, especially than last season. I changed a country,” he said when asked about his mental and physical state.
“Everything was new for me. Now, for me, it’s like I’m really enjoying it. I’m really happy here. I love life here. I have teammates that are perfect. I can’t really complain about anything.
“I like the vibes. I even like to go to the city for a walk. I can do certain arcade things that I like to do in my free time. Then, obviously, spending a little time with the players.”
Sesko is an introvert, but he comes out of his shell when he gets to know somebody. “Beni was very shy and quiet at first contact,” his former coach, Mirsad Mujakić, from Slovenian team NK Krško told the Manchester Evening News.
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“However, already in the first training sessions, he showed exceptional athletic abilities and technical knowledge, which players at this age usually do not have.
“He was an exceptional boy, all his teammates loved him because of his positive nature. At the same time, he knew how to motivate the team and encourage his teammates to work extra hard.”
Sesko has developed a close friendship with Diogo Dalot, bonding during their early visits to Carrington before the mandatory training reporting time.
“He’s an early bird as well, so the first few weeks we were coming into Carrington at the same time and we created this bond,” Dalot told the MEN last season.
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“We both have very similar ways of behaving and thinking, so it became a natural, good relationship, and I think that sometimes helps you to also adapt quickly to a new environment, to a new league, to a new country.”
Sesko was brought off in the 64th minute against Sabah on Thursday, and Carrick may have made that change to keep him fresh for the Manchester derby. United were dominant against Sabah, and the win was a confidence booster ahead of the City clash.
Carrick oversaw a 2-0 win against City in his first game in charge following his interim appointment in January. “Unbelievable,” Sesko said of the game. “It was very, very nice. I’m really hoping for a moment like this again on Sunday. I think we can put in a great performance.
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“I think again I said many times what he [Carrick] provided for us already. Even from the start, when he came, it was something special. I think everyone felt it.”
Carrick has got a tune out of Sesko since his return to the club. “The more games I’m getting, the more comfortable I feel and the more free I feel in the game as well,” he said. “For me, focus is all about scoring goals to provide everything for this team.
“But then also certain things, like link-up play, these little things that can be better. I think it will just come now for the time being. I’m here. I feel every day better and better. This is the most important.”
Sesko has his feet on the ground as he looks to develop into one of the world’s best strikers. “I try to give everything to this club. We talk about legends that are the best of the best in the world. I’m still very far from that,” he reflected.
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“I’m just trying to get better each day, trying to provide for this club and for me to get better.”
Villagers have uncovered and restored a hand-built reservoir that is more than 150-years-old. Its discovery came about during construction for a new footpath in Orwell.
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Following its discovery, volunteers began excavating the cistern by hand, according to Orwell Parish Council. However, this was later deemed “too dangerous”, so a speciality team emptied the well using a “Giant Henry Hoover vacuum the size of a refuse lorry”, the council explained.
The reservoir, built in the 1860s, was specially designed to catch rainwater from a house roof for use in washing and irrigating plants. It has been estimated it would have stored 9,000 litres of water.
The three metre-deep structure, which was constructed of bricks and made at Wimpole, had been completely hidden where nobody was aware of its existence. This find, which was amid an ongoing water shortage, evidenced the innovative approach the Victorians took in building it.
Since then, volunteers have completely emptied the structure, partially restored the dome, and have created a special viewing platform. It was unveiled on Saturday (September 5) to the village.
The reservoir is located on land previously owned by the Diocese of Ely. Orwell Parish Council, working in partnership with the Diocese, has taken ownership of the land together with the adjoining Glebe Field. This will aim to preserve the five-acre site as green open space in perpetuity.
Fundraising enabled the parish council to acquire the land for the village. It also funded the council to plant trees and hedgerows, install a community picnic table and create a new footpath.
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The funding has allowed the construction of a butterfly mound, and fences to be repaired and replaced. Newly installed kissing gates will allow people with buggies and mobility scooters to access the space.
Speaking about Glebe Field, Ely Diocesan Secretary George Woods, said that “this particular field in Orwell hasn’t been farmed for decades, and we decided that it would be far better if it was returned to the local community for use as a village amenity site”.
‘It’ll be more luck than judgment if lights are on this winter’: Stark warning from industry expert as hard-pressed families brace for energy bill surge
Britain’s rush to Net Zero means it will be luck rather than good management if the lights stay on this winter, a leading analyst has warned.
European nations face a series of energy shocks in the coming weeks thanks to the Iran war, record low gas reserves and a water shortage in Norway that threatens to cut crucial exports of hydro-electric power.
But Britain is uniquely vulnerable because the dash for wind and solar power and power station closures mean we now import electricity from our neighbours, said energy consultant and parliamentary adviser Kathryn Porter.
‘We’ve put ourselves in a position where we can’t meet our own demand, particularly when the wind doesn’t blow,’ she told The Mail on Sunday. ‘We can cope with these risks individually, but combined they are a threat. It means we have to be lucky all the time.
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‘Every single winter we’re making this gamble, and eventually we’ll lose. It could well lead to higher electricity prices and, if we finally run out of luck, blackouts.’
Her warning follows Ofgem’s announcement that the energy price cap will rise in October by £60 to £1,723, and experts have predicted that household bills are about to surge.
Households face more cost-of-living misery this winter after the cap on energy bills regulator was hiked by 4 per cent (Stock photo)
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Shadow energy minister Andrew Bowie said the looming electricity shortage was ‘increasingly dangerous’ and urged Labour to resume drilling in the North Sea.
‘It is a threat to our security and prosperity,’ he told the MoS. ‘We’re more exposed than any other country – it’s deeply worrying.
‘It demonstrates the folly of failing to exploit our own resources. If we got the Jackdaw gas field up and running now, we could be pumping gas by Christmas.’
On Friday it was reported that a decision on whether to open the giant Jackdaw North Sea gas field near Aberdeen is likely to be postponed until after the Holborn And St Pancras by-election.
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The seat is likely to be a race between Labour and the Green Party candidate, Zack Polanski.
Meanwhile, a National Audit Office report warns that delays to a £70billion upgrade to the national grid will cost consumers billions of pounds because the transmission system cannot cope with the rapid shift to renewables. The NAO estimates that attempts to decarbonise the grid by 2030 will add £1.9billion a year to bills.
Britain’s plight could get worse if, as feared, neighbouring governments prioritise domestic prices.
Norwegian politicians are already demanding export controls, arguing Norway should not be treated as ‘Europe’s battery’.
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‘There’s a danger governments will prioritise their own consumers,’ said Ms Porter, who advises MPs on the All-Party Parliamentary Group for Energy Studies. ‘They will stop exporting any spare capacity and the market will break down.’
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This year’s heatwaves mean that reservoir levels are lower than for 20 years – and falling.
Britain’s ageing electricity infrastructure and the move away from traditional power stations to unpredictable wind and solar energy are adding to the problem.
In June, whistleblowers at the National Energy System Operator (Neso) claimed the national grid had been so short of electricity that, at one point, it breached safety limits, prompting an independent inquiry. One
Neso engineer told the MoS that power cuts are now a ‘mathematical certainty’.
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He claimed the engineers charged with keeping the grid stable are ‘flying blind’, armed with minimal information, yet obliged to deal with thousands of unpredictable wind and solar generators around the country.
Ms Porter said: ‘If this winter sees another long spell of high pressure – and no wind – like the one we’ve just seen in the summer, then Britain will be in an extraordinarily difficult position.
‘You don’t have to have too many things go against you for the grid to break down. Losing one big power station or one big interconnector would be enough.
‘Who, in the cold light of day, could honestly say this is a sensible way to run things?’
The BBC has been criticised over its coverage of the 9/11 anniversary after focusing on Islamophobia rather than the terrorism behind the outrage.
One Westminster source said it was ‘like starting D-Day memorials by remembering the plight of the Nazis’.
Radio 4’s Today programme featured a Muslim interviewee who said: ‘We were viewed through the lens of terrorism. Sadly there were questions about our faith and whether we share British values.’
The BBC reporter at the memorial in New York told News at Ten: ‘25 years on, the city has its first Muslim mayor. At the same time Muslim Americans experience a record rise in discrimination and increased anti-Muslim sentiment from voices on the Right.’
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On both the Six O’Clock News and News at Ten, the main package was about a man who lost his brother, a Muslim American police cadet, in the tragedy. He said Right-wing commentary is the ‘kind of rhetoric which adds to the pain’.
Former BBC journalist Catherine Leng said: ‘Words I heard on BBC News in its coverage: Islamophobia, disproportionate overreach, Muslim communities. Words I have not heard: Islamist terrorists.’
the twin towers of the World Trade Center after they were hit by two hijacked airliners in a terrorist attack September 11, 2001 in New York City
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Ex-Sky journalist Colin Brazier said the BBC was determined ‘not to use the word “Islam” in connection with 9/11 but rather to turn it into another chance to…hint that the West got what it deserved’.
Q I cannot stand my son’s wife. She is in her early 30s and initially we were pleased when he met her as she seemed pleasant, was polite, well-spoken and attractive and had a good job (in corporate law).
However, a few years in, I am finding her unbearable. She is apparently very successful at work and as a result she seems to be rather bossy and opinionated, and I think she dominates my son, even though he has a good career of his own.
They are talking about having children and when we saw them recently, my son was even saying that he might be the one to stay at home and take care of them part time because her earnings are double his.
What about his career? He will fall behind. My wife tells me not to be so old-fashioned but I think it would be emasculating for my son to be a househusband. He has a first-class degree.
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A What you don’t mention is what your son thinks. Is he unhappy? Does he feel dominated or controlled by his wife? Would he resent taking a step back in his career? If the answer is no, then I wonder whether you’re worrying about a problem that doesn’t actually exist.
You describe your daughter-in-law as successful, bossy and opinionated – and sometimes success and high salaries can make people a little too full of themselves. However, have you noticed that only women are ever referred to as bossy? Could it be instead that she is confident and decisive – qualities you might well have yourself but which you might see differently in her? It can help to look for the things we do like in a person. You liked her initially, so perhaps you can accept her faults while appreciating her other qualities.
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I wonder if some of your discomfort comes from an understandable but old-fashioned notion of a man’s role, as your wife suggests. There is nothing emasculating about a father choosing to spend more time caring for his children. Your son’s first-class degree and career do not disappear because he takes time out to care for them. If his wife earns twice as much, it may simply make financial sense for them to arrange things this way. And your grandchild will be very lucky to have a loving parent to care for them.
Try looking at their choices through your son’s eyes rather than your own. Perhaps he is proud of his wife’s success, happy to support her career and excited about being an involved father. You clearly love your son and sometimes the most loving thing that parents can do when our adult children make choices that we don’t understand is to step back and trust them.
MY COLLEAGUE EXPECTS ME TO SWAP SHIFTS
Q My job sometimes involves evening or weekend shifts, which I don’t mind because it’s work I enjoy. I have a colleague with children under ten who often asks me to swap shifts. As I’m in my 50s, divorced and child-free, I’ve usually agreed because I’ve been able to be flexible.
However, I’ve now met someone and I’d really like to spend more evenings and weekends with him. When my colleague recently asked me to swap some shifts, I said I’d prefer not to. She became quite angry and said I was being unhelpful. I feel as though I’m in the wrong, and it’s upsetting.
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A It is difficult to combine shift work with having young children and, like you, I can sympathise with that. But that doesn’t mean you have to rearrange your life to make hers easier – and she certainly had no right to become angry when you have been kind and accommodating for years, presumably because you could be. But perhaps that very kindness has become something she takes for granted.
There can be an assumption that people with young children need more consideration, but this may also mean that colleagues with fewer responsibilities are expected to absorb the inconvenience. So tell her, kindly but firmly, that your circumstances have changed and you are no longer able to swap shifts as frequently.
Please don’t feel bad about this. You can sympathise with her situation without taking responsibility for solving it.
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