What to Do When Someone Gives You the Silent Treatment

When communication resumes, you might be so relieved that you simply pretend nothing happened. But unless the pattern itself is addressed, the next disagreement might end the same way.

Needle suggests leading with curiosity: “Can you help me understand what was happening for you when you needed to step away?” Once you’ve listened, describe the impact without claiming to know the person’s intent: “When I didn’t hear from you and didn’t know whether we would talk again, I felt anxious and disconnected. I’m OK with taking space during conflict, but I need to know we’ll come back to it.”

Then decide together what a future timeout will look like. Avigail Lev, a clinical psychologist in San Francisco, encourages couples to agree in advance on how either person will signal that they need a break, roughly how long it will last, what they’ll do to calm down, and who will restart the conversation. If the person needs longer, they should still check in at the agreed-upon time and provide a new endpoint. Some couples and families even choose a code word that means the conversation is pausing, Wilson says—not that the relationship is disappearing.