90s Comedy Horror Will Ruin Your Bathroom Routine The Same Way Jaws Ruined Swimming 

By Robert Scucci
| Published 54 seconds ago

1979 changed the world forever with Jaws, and suddenly every Boomer was afraid to even jump into a swimming pool just in case a great white shark was hiding somewhere in the deep end. It’s an irrational fear, but the movie is so perfect that we don’t feel irrational for having these thoughts. 2000’s Final Destination kicked off a franchise that made Millennials afraid of driving behind trucks that carry logs, which is, again, a totally irrational fear that we’ve all subscribed to because the imagery was so convincing. Sandwiched in between these two films is 1990’s Arachnophobia, which made it common practice for everybody and their mother to check their toilet bowl for spiders before sitting down … just in case.

The difference between Arachnophobia and the other films, however, is that this one is at least billed as a kinda sorta comedy, so there is an inherent level of ridiculousness that you can get behind so long as you’re still willing to scope out the bathroom situation after the fact because, yeah … spiders are creepy, and this is just generally a great and totally healthy way to live your life.

Side bar comment: I also check behind the shower curtain for intruders before I relieve myself, but that’s an exercise in futility because my pants are already down at this point, and if somebody’s actually hiding there, I’m pretty much screwed, but I digress …

The main point here is that Arachnophobia did for spiders what Jaws and Final Destination did for sharks and logs, and we’re better off for it because what a movie!

A Web Of Dies

In Arachnophobia, Dr. Ross Jennings (Jeff Daniels) relocates his family to the sleepy town of Canaima, California, expecting to take over the practice of retiring physician Dr. Sam Metcalf (Henry Jones). There’s just one problem: Metcalf decides he’s not retiring after all, leaving Ross with basically no patients and a very expensive new life to justify. Ross takes the setback surprisingly well, mostly because he finally has enough room to build the wine cellar he’s always wanted. Meanwhile, a deadly Venezuelan spider has hitched a ride to Canaima inside a coffin, which, for reasons that I cannot sit on the toilet without first checking the bowl for spiders, seems like a detail worth mentioning.

When people around town begin mysteriously dropping dead, Ross earns the unfortunate nickname “Dr. Death” because the deaths conveniently start happening around patients he’s recently seen, which isn’t exactly the kind of word-of-mouth advertising a new doctor needs. Eventually, Ross realizes the deaths aren’t medical screwups at all, but the work of an aggressive new breed of spider multiplying around town. That brings in exterminator Delbert McClintock (John Goodman), a certified blue-collar badass who approaches pest control with the confidence of a man who has never once considered that the thing he’s spraying might spray back, especially while sitting on the toilet.

With Ross finally vindicated, the problem becomes considerably worse because proving you didn’t kill everybody means acknowledging that Canaima is crawling with lethal spiders. That’s especially bad news for Ross, who suffers from severe arachnophobia and now has to confront the exact nightmare he’s spent his entire life avoiding. And for reasons that I cannot sit on the toilet without first checking the bowl for spiders, the movie is remarkably committed to demonstrating just how many places in your home you should never trust again.

Perfectly Ridiculous

Arachnophobia boasts the perfect blend of horror and comedy, making you want to laugh at yourself before sitting on the toilet after checking the bowl for spiders. It offers all of the classic slasher tropes, and is shot as such, but it’s still about spiders, so the whole thing feels like a bad dream where spiders ruin bathroom time on multiple levels.

If there’s any reason to watch this film, it’s John Goodman’s Delbert McClintock character. The dude is a straight-up blue-collar guy who’s seen it all. That is, until the spiders become less of a nuisance and more of a legitimate threat to the small California community. He still shows up with spray guns blazing, obviously prepped to pound a few road sodas on the ride home after what he’ll basically shrug off as “another day at the office.”

The fear depicted in Arachnophobia is both over-the-top and fully justified. The absolute horror of it all is always moments away from some sort of punchline or payoff, making the completely irrational fear I have about sitting on the toilet bowl feel validated. But I can still laugh at myself. The exact sequence of events playing out in this movie has happened exactly once, and it happened right here.

I’ve never been bitten on the butt while going to the bathroom. I probably never will. But the fear of it is one of the few things that actually makes me feel alive. I have Arachnophobia to thank for that.

As of this writing, you can stream Arachnophobia for free on Tubi.