Hayden Panettiere Felt ‘Racked With Guilt’ Over Custody Decision

Hayden Panettiere reportedly carried intense guilt over living apart from her daughter, Kaya, even after explaining that she had not been in the right mental state to raise her at the time. An insider claimed the custody decision continued to trouble the actress, who wrote candidly about motherhood, postpartum depression, and addiction in her memoir, “This Is Me: A Reckoning.”

“Hayden’s been racked with guilt about not being the mother she wanted for her child and allowing her ex-fiancé to bring up Kaya,” the source told the Daily Mail. “She didn’t believe she was in the right mental state to be a good mother at the time. It bothered her greatly.”

The guilt reportedly existed alongside other painful relationships in Panettiere’s life, including an estrangement from her mother and the abuse she said she endured during her turbulent romance with Brian Hickerson.

Kaya’s Birth Became A Terrifying Medical Emergency

Panettiere recalled that Kaya’s 2014 birth quickly became a frightening medical crisis. Doctors reportedly declared a “code crimson” emergency after Panettiere’s blood would not clot following a C-section. She underwent a three-hour operation and later learned that her uterus had become infected. The traumatic delivery was followed by an equally difficult emotional period.

Panettiere described bonding with her newborn as an “insurmountable task,” admitting that she “felt nothing” toward her daughter. She characterized the experience as “a total blackout of emotion.”

The actress subsequently turned to alcohol to cope with what she was experiencing, sometimes beginning to drink as early as 6 a.m. When Kaya was four months old, Panettiere entered treatment for her alcohol use and was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Medication reportedly helped her symptoms but also made her sleepy. She eventually began drinking again, contributing to a period in which several parts of her life unraveled.

Hayden Panettiere Lost Her Relationship And A Major Brand Contract

As Panettiere’s struggles intensified, she lost a lucrative contract with skincare company Neutrogena. Her relationship with Kaya’s father, former heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko, also broke down.

Despite Panettiere’s efforts to retain custody, Klitschko eventually became Kaya’s primary parent. Panettiere signed over custody while initially believing the arrangement would only be temporary.

In her memoir, the actress described the day she signed the documents with agonizing clarity. “I remember every second of that day. Every fg second,” she wrote. “No mother could forget a single thing about the day she signed her child away.”

Kaya is now 11 and was raised primarily by Klitschko.

The Actress Called The Separation ‘Gut-Wrenching’

Panettiere made clear that living apart from Kaya never became an emotionally easy arrangement. “Not being under the same roof with her every day has been the most gut-wrenching experience of my life, and it’s hard to describe the layers of emotion, including sadness, resentment, and anger, I’ve felt because of it,” she wrote.

Despite those difficult feelings, Panettiere’s love for Kaya remained central to the way she discussed her daughter. “She is the greatest gift of my life, with all the best parts of her father and me,” the actress said.

While grieving her separation from Kaya, Panettiere was also dealing with the collapse of her relationship with her own mother, Lesley Vogel.

Panettiere’s Relationship With Her Mother Also Fractured

Vogel, an actress who also managed her daughter’s early career, once reportedly described Panettiere as someone who “does not want to be saved.”

In her memoir, Panettiere recalled freezing during an audition for a Kodak advertisement when she was four years old. She claimed that telling her mother she could not perform felt even worse than the humiliation she had experienced during the audition. “When she was so angry that my best option was to hide under my bed, her lower jaw migrated a few centimeters forward,” Panettiere wrote.

During an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Panettiere alleged that Vogel had “groomed” her to be a “little soldier,” placing pressure on her to succeed and help keep the family financially stable. When Panettiere dismissed Vogel as her manager at 19, she claimed her mother responded, “You owe me.”

Vogel ultimately stopped communicating with her daughter last year. She has not commented on Panettiere’s recent death.