Entertainment
R-Rated Sci-Fi Sequel So Awful, It Nearly Killed Legendary Franchise
By TeeJay Small
| Published
Like many film fans, I grew up watching the first two Alien movies. I fondly recall catching them on cable, HBO, and DVD over the years in various bits and pieces. Last year, my friend and I sat down with a mission to catch up on all the Alien movies, since we legitimately couldn’t recall whether we’d seen Alien 3, Alien: Resurrection, or either of the prequel films. And while it was a lot of fun running through Alien and Aliens as an adult with a fully formed prefrontal cortex, I think the third movie genuinely caused me psychic damage.
Immediately Undermines Its Own Legacy
Alien 3 picks up right where Aliens left off, with Sigourney Weaver‘s Ripley resting safely in a cryopod alongside Corporal Hicks (Michael Biehn) of the Colonial Marines, and Newt (Danielle Edmond), a little girl that the duo rescued from planet LV-426. Through a series of extremely jarring and unpleasant editing choices, we see that an enormous alien egg was actually resting in the middle of the ship the entire time, as a facehugger emerges to cause chaos.
Let’s ignore the fact that the Xenomorph queen absolutely did not lay an egg inside the ship during the final moments of Aliens, and instead focus on the absolute smack in the face that is this opening scene. Cpl. Hicks and Newt are brutally killed in stasis, and the ship is knocked off course by a pair of the most competent facehuggers of all time. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a sequel so blatantly disrespect the end of the film that came before it, but saving Newt was kind of a big deal, so we’re kicking things off with one hell of a sour impression.
As the lone survivor of the massacre, Ripley wakes up on a planet known as Fiorina “Fury” 161. This place is a maximum security correctional facility loaded with inmates who have committed heinous violent crimes including the assault of minors. Over the course of Alien 3, many of these characters are meant to be redeemed by helping Ripley to fight off the Xenomorph.
Here’s a note for any and all screenwriters in the future: there is absolutely no way you could ever make me root for any character within hours of revealing that they are violent and repeat offenders. I genuinely think everyone involved in making this movie needs to be placed on a watchlist of some sort.
Ripley Was Done Dirty
While exploring the prison, Ripley meets with the planet’s chief medical officer, played by an unusually awkward Charles Dance. The doctor, Clemens, repeatedly refuses to explain what horrible crimes he’s committed to end up on this planet, which gives the impression that it’s something worse than child abuse. Spoiler alert: He got hooked on prescription drugs while working as a surgeon and once accidentally killed a patient on the table. I’m not sure why that character flaw is seen as too horrific to admit, as Clemens so cavalierly explains that every single other man in the movie is a Jeffrey Epstein-level monster.
Then, as if to drive home the point that these characters are genuine animals and not just misunderstood victims of an unjust legal system, a group of men corner Ripley and attempt to tear her clothes off. This scene is accompanied by a heavy metal score that sounds like it belongs in Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, which makes the assault equal parts horrifying and unintentionally laugh-out-loud hilarious.
Luckily, one of the criminals steps in to reveal that he has a heart of gold, and rescues Ripley from the other attackers. Because after two movies of mowing down Xenomorphs with machine guns, escape pods, flamethrowers and mech suits, Alien 3 decides that Ripley is little more than a damsel in distress, desperately in need of a male handler to keep her alive.
The Dog Version And The Ox Version Do The Franchise No Favors
After narrowly avoiding a violent assault, Ripley decides for the very first time in the entire franchise that she’s super horny, and hooks up with Charles Dance, while he struggles to find anything of value to add to the movie. Failing to find something, he’s immediately killed by the Xenomorph, right after he finishes delivering a monologue about his pointless backstory.
Speaking of the Xenomorph, this thing is a mess. Unlike the previous unstoppable killing machines highlighted in the first two films, this Xenomorph is a hybrid that sprang forth from the chest of a dog (or an ox, depending on which cut of the movie you’re watching.) As a result of its quadrupedal nature, the alien navigates on all fours, and only sometimes knows how to open doors.
While I admire the puppeteering and VFX that went into bringing this creature to life, it fails to come together in the final cut. The result is an alien that looks like she’s shaking her booty with each step, complete with a green hue surrounding her perimeter, because the reflection from the green screen wasn’t properly keyed out.
A Pitiful Redemption Arc Attempt
45 minutes into this boring, unlikable adventure, Alien 3 decides to do one interesting thing, and reveals that Ripley is pregnant with a Xenomorph queen. This makes her effectively immune to attacks from the Doggo-morph, and puts her on course to enact a suicide mission so that the queen she’s carrying can’t wreak havoc on the entire known galaxy. She rallies the remaining freak-off frequenters, who suddenly agree to let a woman be their leader, and maps out a plan to blow the entire prison facility to smithereens.
At this point in the narrative, Alien 3 could almost serve as a so-bad-it’s-good movie, on par with classics like The Room or anything from Neil Breen‘s catalogue. Unfortunately, the final act is one of the sloppiest, most poorly-paced, obnoxiously shot, and outright boring things I’ve ever voluntarily watched. Ripley’s big plan involves sending prisoners to run up to the Xenomorph and tap it on the shoulder, then run away and slam doors in its face like they’re the Road Runner antagonizing Wile E. Coyote.
What follows is a seemingly endless sequence of identical bald British men running down identical hallways, apparently corralling the alien into an area of the facility that has not been choreographed to the audience in any meaningful way. I could recreate this entire scene by shaving my head and filming myself jogging through a single hallway in my apartment 65 times, but that would run the risk of being funny on purpose.
I lost count of how many times I checked the timestamp during this chase sequence, only to lament that I must be experiencing some form of Interstellar-style time dilution. It was as though I crash-landed on Miller’s planet, and every agonizing second of screen time was taking years to view. Towards the end of this chase, Ripley prepares to sacrifice herself, only for Dillon, the man who rescued her earlier in the film, to sacrifice himself on her behalf.
Maybe this is supposed to be the final redeeming moment for Dillon, where he gives his life to save a woman, in contrast to the multiple women he abused. But that doesn’t make any sense because Ripley has already made it extremely clear that she needs to die anyway. She then kills herself like five minutes later, so all Dillon really managed to do was take a triumphant moment from a strong woman and make it about himself one last time.
Alien 3 is handily the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. I would sooner remove my wisdom teeth, have them reinstalled, and remove them again without anesthetic than watch this movie a second time. If I go to your house and this movie is playing in the background, I might burn the building to the ground on my way out the door. Some sci-fi fans view Alien 3 as an overhated and misunderstood masterpiece, and I’m happy they have something to enjoy here. Still, I just don’t see anything appealing about this exhausting film, and I’m glad that it’s not currently streaming on any major service.
If you’re still interested in watching Alien 3, it is is currently available for on-demand rentals and purchases through YouTube, Fandango at Home, Apple TV+, and Amazon Prime Video.