Raunchy, Extremely R-Rated 90s Action Thriller Is Every Male Fantasy Rolled Into One

By Robert Scucci
| Published 13 seconds ago

I try to space out my consumption of media like 1993’s Enemy Gold because, at the end of the day, I am a family man. But sometimes I can’t help myself because Enemy Gold, and every other film in Andy Sidaris’ Triple B film series, is the cinematic equivalent of what Andy Sidaris, or in this case his son Drew Sidaris, thinks is the ultimate male fantasy: bullets, bombs, and babes, of which there’s never any shortage.

Enemy Gold is the ultimate male fantasy because it’s two secret agents broing out and busting up drug rings with their sexy female cohort who’s just as dangerous as she is attractive. They get suspended for following nobody’s rules but their own, but their super hot and equally dangerous boss is always in their corner. Oh yeah, and there’s a treasure hunt involving a hidden cache of gold left behind by a bunch of Confederate soldiers, and everybody drinks white wine spritzers in the hot tub after a hard day’s work.

It’s the kind of movie you sneak when you’re a kid and your parents aren’t home, and it feels like the perfect, epically inappropriate adventure where you can channel your inner giga-chad and belt out one-liners while looking over your shoulder to make sure your brother and sister won’t rat you out for watching a violent sexploitation film on the family TV.

As an adult, Enemy Gold is just pure schlock and awe, and it’s the forced humor and dialogue that really make it such a treat. Every terrible double entendre you’ve ever heard lives in this movie, and they’ll continue to live in your head rent free after you watch it.

What Kind Of Chest Are We Looking For? 

The heat’s already on when Enemy Gold kicks off and we’re introduced to federal agents Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall) and Mark Austin (Mark Barriere). They’re informed by their perpetually fit and scantily clad boss, Ava Noble (Tanquil Lisa Collins), that fellow agent Becky Midnight (Suzi Simpson) will be joining them on their upcoming mission: locating a cache of drugs being trafficked by crime lord Santiago (Rodrigo Obergon).

They find mountains of illicit substances hidden in crates of watermelons and seize the assets, but not without causing a significant amount of collateral damage, prompting Chief Dickson (Alan Abelew) to suspend them until a proper investigation is conducted. We learn that Dickson is actually working in cahoots with Santiago, along with his sexy, dangerous mistress, Jewel Panther (Julie Strain), who’s a lethal weapon in her own right.

While puttering around on a camping trip and waiting for their names to be cleared, Chris, Mark, and Becky continue reporting to Ava, who’s trying to get them reinstated. What they don’t know is that Dickson and Santiago have tapped their communications and learn that the gang has stumbled upon a map leading to a hidden shipment of gold stolen from the Union Army by a group of Confederate soldiers in 1864. At that point, it’s made abundantly clear an epic final showdown is inevitable.

That All Sounds Really Important, But Don’t Forget To Shower

I stopped counting how many times our heroes jump into a shower or hot tub in Enemy Gold because it’s embarrassing to think about. Everybody’s glistening, airbrushed, jacked, and an expert marksman in Enemy Gold. Babes fight babes, and we’re told on more than one occasion that the explosive crossbow arrows have tips that “explode three seconds after penetration.” Because, you know, sex joke.

Enemy Gold is the kind of movie that plays like it was written by an artificially intelligent blob of Mountain Dew trained exclusively on old copies of Maxim magazine and gas station boner pills. You have to go into your viewing experience with that exact expectation or it’s not going to do anything for you. The dialogue aspires to soap opera quality, everybody changes outfits in slow motion, stuff blows up, and most of the puns land at about a third-grade reading level.

Still, it’s a movie about having seemingly unlimited resources, shooting down bad guys, and tearing through the woods on all-terrain vehicles while pursuing the spoils of a century-old Civil War-era heist. If you can turn your brain off for 92 minutes and appreciate Enemy Gold for what it is, you’ll have a blast. If not, then you’re just better than me because I enjoyed the hell out of this.

As of this writing, you can stream Enemy Gold for free on Tubi.