Raunchy, R-Rated Heist Comedy Is Too Funny For Its Own Good

By Robert Scucci
| Published 7 seconds ago

Let’s talk about 1990’s straight-to-VHS crime caper Down the Drain for a minute. The things that happen in this movie are funny. The exchanges between its principal characters are funny. Ken Foree from the original Dawn of the Dead gets in a shootout on a skateboard, but only after getting cavity searched by Andrew Stevens’ Victor Scalla. Teri Copley is a blonde bombshell who knows how to use a gun and seduce her way out of sticky situations. John Matuszak, in his last film appearance before his untimely death, catches bullets with his teeth when people try to shoot him in the face.

Every individual part of this heist movie is hilarious. But for some reason, it never comes together as a fully satisfying movie. It’s one of the most perplexing things I’ve ever witnessed in this genre. I was laughing out loud to myself the entire time I was snapping stills for this article because there are so many great shareable moments. When the thing plays in real time, though, it feels like a straight-to-video movie trying a little too hard to be edgy, because that’s exactly what it is. There are plenty of zingers, and I strongly recommend it to anybody who loves a good old fashioned comedy of errors. The problem is that the jokes miss more than they hit.

Since we’re talking about a numbers game when it comes to jokes per minute, it’s still a valiant effort. This is the perfect movie to throw on and watch passively while working on projects around the house. The plot is nonsensical, but there are individual moments worth seeking out.

The Dumbest Heist Committed To Film

Down the Drain’s heist is so dumb that it just might work. We’re introduced to Victor Scalla (Andrew Stevens), a crooked lawyer with a supposedly genius plan. He recruits his former criminal clients, with the help of his mistress Kathy Miller (Teri Copley), sneaks through the city’s sewer system, and robs the safe deposit boxes at a new bank that’s only been open for a few weeks. Running under the assumption that it’ll be a light haul, the plan is to steal everything and wait for people to report their belongings missing. If anything from those safe deposit boxes is considered irreplaceable, Victor figures people will come looking for it and offer a hefty reward. That’s it. That’s the plan.

Victor cobbles together a ragtag group of criminals like bruiser Jed Stewart (John Matuszak), loose cannon Buckley (Ken Foree), master lock picker Tom Dart (Barry Neikrug), and the flatulent, overweight Jay (Mickey Morton). They break into the vault and take whatever they can get their hands on. Immediately after sizing up the haul, Victor suspects that everybody involved, including Kathy, has skimmed off the top, defeating the entire purpose of the robbery.

The plan hinges on sitting around and waiting until the jewelry and rare coins are reported missing, then selling them back to their original owners at a premium. If anything goes missing from their stash, the whole operation falls apart.

As it so inconveniently turns out, one of the items they stole is a top-secret microchip that kicks off a wild goose chase. Suddenly, an operation built on petty theft turns into a national security issue, as multiple foreign powers come after the chip for their own nefarious purposes.

Plot Notwithstanding, It’s A Very Inconsistent Farse 

I really wanted to like Down the Drain, but the whole thing is all over the place. The gags flirt with Naked Gun or Fatal Instinct territory, but the movie refuses to pick a lane and stay in it. One second there’s highly quotable banter, and the next everyone is playing it completely straight. At one point, Victor hires a Mexican master of disguise named Chico (Sal Lopez), who runs around wearing novelty glasses with a giant nose and fake mustache. Then there’s an extremely confusing car chase where everyone is driving nearly identical red cars, which ends on a low note when we think our hero just got driven off a cliff and killed.

Victor Scalla kills a man with a Rubik’s Cube, has an impenetrable bunker rigged with electricity and knockout gas, but still can’t stop his mistress and accomplice from stealing from him whenever the opportunity presents itself. I see what they’re going for here, but it never quite lands because the movie is so tonally scattered.

If you want to laugh at a bunch of hilarious non sequiturs without getting invested in the plot or its inconsistencies, Down the Drain is perfect background viewing. Throw it on while you’re working around the house and glance up when something ridiculous happens. If you’re planning to give it your full attention, though, it’s a rough watch.

Down the Drain is streaming for free on Tubi, and a lot of your enjoyment will come from the fact that you didn’t have to pay for it.