Screw It, Helen Keller Vs. Nightwolves Is On Tubi. Just Go Watch It.

By Robert Scucci
| Published 17 seconds ago

If you’re looking for the kind of edgelord comedy that your eighth-grade self would love unapologetically, look no further than 2015’s Helen Keller Vs. Nightwolves. It’s the most absurd thing you’ll find on Tubi today, and it will make you a better person for watching it. Not because you finally found out where you should draw the line when it comes to offensive humor, but in the same way that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter does, in the sense that real historical figures are used to tell a completely ridiculous revenge story, so it should teach you no to take anything too seriously.

This one will stick with you for days, not because it’s disturbing or thematically enthralling. It will stick with you, especially if you’re artistically inclined, because it makes it very clear that all you need in life is the willpower to force yourself through whatever project you find yourself involved in, knowing full well that people like me will actively seek it out on free streaming at one point or another.

Logically, Helen Keller Vs. Nightwolves makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. The “rules” that are established aren’t even guidelines. They simply exist to be laughed at, and that’s half the fun. If you were to make a drinking game out of this one, you’d most certainly need your stomach pumped.

Does Anne Sullivan Know About This?

Helen Keller Vs. Nightwolves takes the historical figure you learned about in elementary school and asks the question absolutely nobody was asking: what if Helen Keller had to fight a pack of vicious Nightwolves? And yes, the movie commits to that premise with considerably more enthusiasm than anybody could reasonably expect.

The story follows a young Helen Keller (Jessie Wiseman), whose family is terrorized by the Nightwolves, leaving Helen without her sight or hearing. Anne Sullivan (Alanna Ubach) eventually enters the picture and teaches Helen how to communicate, putting her on the path toward eventually becoming the older Helen Keller (Lin Shaye), who has some unfinished business with the monsters responsible for ruining her life.

Barry Bostwick also shows up as Jonathan because, at this point, why the hell wouldn’t he? There’s considerably more going on, but explaining much beyond that feels almost counterproductive. You already know whether you’re willing to follow this movie wherever the hell it wants to go.

Meant To Break All The Rules

What’s most perplexing about Helen Keller Vs. Nightwolves is just how little it cares about its own lore. Helen Keller is able to interpret speech so long as she can read lips through her hands. Then suddenly she can also communicate through upside-down drinking glasses placed strategically on a table because of their vibrations. Then suddenly (again), without any rhyme or reason, Helen Keller is capable of carrying on full conversations without any of these things.

When fictional filmmaker St. James St. James (Ross Patterson) breaks the fourth wall to explain exactly what’s happening, you’ll be reminded of how much he sounds like Phil Hartman’s portrayal of Troy McClure of The Simpsons fame, but not nearly as charismatic. The biggest bummer about Helen Keller Vs. Nightwolves is the fact that it reminded me that Phil Hartman is dead, which, if I’m being entirely honest here, really bummed me out.

As much as St. James St. James’ participation in Helen Keller Vs. Nightwolves bummed me out, I was reminded of how magical it is to be alive, for being alive’s sake. This is not a good movie. It’s the cinematic equivalent of your best friend from middle school never growing up and trying to be as offensive as possible whenever they get the opportunity to.

The unhinged humor found in this film outweighs the cringe factor, though, for reasons that I still cannot reasonably articulate, which makes Helen Keller Vs. Nightwolves worth your time if you’re just looking for a little over an hour to kill and don’t care how the means justify the ends.

As of this writing, you can stream Helen Keller Vs. Nightwolves for free on Tubi.

HELEN KELLER VS. NIGHTWOLVES SCORE