The Hottest Blockbuster Ever Made Is Secretly The World’s Worst Sequel

By Chris Snellgrove
| Updated 1 second ago

I’m an ‘80s kid, so I come by my love of Transformers quite naturally. I absolutely mainlined the original GI cartoon, and my childhood bedroom was lined with my favorite robots, both heroic and evil. In the ‘90s, my best friends and I rediscovered the 1986 animated movie, and we hailed it as one of the best films ever made. So, when the first Transformers live-action movie came out, I was pumped, and I thought it really lived up to my expectations. Despite (or perhaps because of) director Michael Bay’s excesses and indulgent action porn, we finally had a blockbuster film to revive the Transformers brand.

If I’d had a One Wish Willow back then, I might have wished for Bay to keep making these movies. And like Bear in Obsession, my wish would have gone sideways almost right away. Bay went on to create four more Transformers films, and each of them was more painful than being eaten by Sharkticons. Why did he keep making these critically reviled films? Simple: the first sequel earned over $836 million at the box office, proving there is a market for pure slop if it has enough sexy poses and explosions in it. How bad is it? Find out for yourself: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009) is now streaming for free on Tubi.

Transform And Crash Out

The plot of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen begins with the Autobots and humans teaming up to hunt down the remaining Decepticons on Earth. Unfortunately, an ancient Decepticon manages to resurrect Megatron, and the two embark on an insane plan: to activate a hidden Star Harvester and completely drain the sun’s energy, dooming humanity to a very cold extinction. All of this leads to a showdown in Egypt, where the sands and pyramids are the setting for a final battle that will determine the fate of the entire planet. 

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen introduces some new actors to the franchise, including Tony Todd as The Fallen. However, the cast is mostly comprised of returning actors from the first film. This includes original G1 voice actors Peter Cullen (who has spent a lifetime voicing Optimus Prime) and Frank Welker (the original Megatron voice actor who voices several major Decepticons in this movie). Hugo Weaving once again plays live-action Megatron, while Shia LaBeouf, Josh Duhamel, and John Turturro play humans who are caught up yet again in this war of the worlds. Oh, and Megan Fox returns to play the hottest eye candy this side of Cybertron (Bay decided this sexy siren is better seen than heard).

A Blockbuster Rerun 

The actors do their best with what they are given; unfortunately, what they are given is a hot mess. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’s story was mostly based on a quick treatment that was penned in only two weeks and handed in right before a Writers’ Guild strike; it then got expanded by Michael Bay, who locked three writers (Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, and Alex Kurtzman) for four months until the final script was completed. The result was a complete disaster: despite its bloated, 2.5-hour runtime, all Revenge of the Fallen does is rehash the first film’s tired “gotta find the alien Maguffin” plot.

Of course, rehashing an old plot isn’t that bad if you make something interesting; Star Trek: The Motion Picture was basically a big-budget adaptation of a forgotten Original Series episode, but it added enough nuances to give the film its own identity. Unfortunately, Revenge of the Fallen doesn’t have nuance. In its place, we get the kind of humor edgelord teens might have enjoyed back in the ‘90s. Most of it comes from two new robots designed as jive-talking, racist caricatures, complete with (deep sigh gold teeth. The film also includes a visual gag about Devastator’s balls (talk about more than “meats” the eye).

The Worst Of Both Worlds

Plus, it feels like the entire back half of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is just characters jabbering about the plot in one bizarre exposition dump after another. From a storytelling standpoint, this is the worst of both worlds. Hardcore Transformers fans don’t need extensive lore about the Primes and about various bits of Autobot arcana because they already know it. Meanwhile, casual audiences don’t care about endless exposition because it gets in the way of the cool fight scenes. It’s an insane narrative choice that pisses off everyone watching, which would only be so bad if it didn’t take up (once more for the cheap seats) like 50 percent of the film!

The final major problem with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is that so many characters are completely unlikeable. This is true of The Fallen, a Big Bad with less charisma than Megatron has in his little finger. It’s also true of Sam Witwicky, an audience surrogate who does nothing but whine the entire film. Most depressingly, it’s especially true of Optimus Prime, who oscillates from “guy who gives useless speeches” to “guy who violently rips his enemies apart.” Honestly, before the credits roll, you’ll find yourself rooting for the OG Decepticons because they at least manage to be consistently interesting.

Bad Movies Are The Right Of All Sentient Beings

Unfortunately, quality doesn’t matter when it comes to modern-day Transformers films. Revenge of the Fallen was a critical abomination, but it earned over $836 million, leading to three sequels that might as well be war crimes. Years later, Transformers One, the best film in the entire franchise (yeah, I said it!), became a box office bomb that killed any hope of a sequel. Are you ready to share your pain with me? Do you want to drink your way through the worst Transformers movie ever made or stare at Megan Fox? Maybe you just want to return to a simpler time, when the worst thing you’d discover on any given day was that Michael Bay made a racist robot sequel?

No judgments here, friend. No need to transform and roll out; just go stream Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen for free on Tubi.