The Netflix Film That Proves What’s Wrong With Modern Children’s Movies

By Chris Snellgrove
| Published 12 seconds ago

Growing up as an ‘80s kid, I had a fairly awesome childhood (thanks, mom and dad!). My nostalgia for that era is quite strong, which is why I’m typing this while surrounded by a small army of GI Joes, Transformers, and Ninja Turtles. It’s no surprise, then, that when friends ask me what movies they should show their children, I typically recommend films from the decade that brought us everything from the Ghostbusters to Big Trouble in Little China.

When a friend recently asked what she should show her two kids, I didn’t hesitate to recommend Labyrinth. Cute songs, wacky muppets, wacky David Bowie, and Jennifer Connelly in a breakout role; what’s not to love? Soon, she reported that her kids were having nightmares about the Goblin King and his monstrous minions. I felt bad for about two seconds before realizing the problem: Jim Henson’s Labyrinth is still a perfect children’s movie. Unfortunately, Hollywood has transformed modern kids’ movies into vibes-based screensavers that no longer allow children to safely explore crunchy concepts like love, death, and even human mortality.

Ziggy Stardust And The Goblins From Mars

After my friend chided me about my recommendation, I had to be honest with myself: Labyrinth is a pretty scary movie. The central plot involves a mysterious man kidnapping a small child, and poor Jennifer Connelly must navigate a world of increasingly nightmarish Muppets in order to rescue him. The titular labyrinth often feels like a prison with no way out, and things like the “Helping Hands” scene and the masked ball are the stuff of fever-dream nightmares. Hovering over all of this is the fact that the Goblin King is a middle-aged menace trying to secure a child bride, one played by a girl who wasn’t even old enough to get her learner’s permit.

Despite all of that, though, I still think Labyrinth is a great film to share with children. To me, the scary aspects mentioned above are a feature, not a bug. It may be “only” a kids’ movie, but these frightening features infuse Labyrinth with a sense of genuine tension from beginning to end. Tension is, of course, the secret ingredient of any good story because it provides the narrative with real stakes for the characters that we care about. Those characters grow through tension and conflict, but most modern children’s movies have surgically removed everything scary and tense in an effort to make their films less offensive and more palatable.

A Star Is Born

In A Minecraft Movie, for example, no kid thinks the malevolent Malgosha is going to take over the world; they understand the plot is just window dressing for a film trying to squeeze in as many game references as possible into the runtime. Similarly, no youngsters watching Sonic the Hedgehog think Dr. Robotnik will win the day. They’re just here for the in-jokes and slick special effects that precede the inevitable happy ending. Furthermore, no children think Bowser, Jr. is going to conquer the universe in Super Mario Galaxy; they’re just here to appreciate the parade of Nintendo memes onscreen and hope their favorite Smash Bros. characters pop up. 

These movies are not designed to challenge children; instead, they serve as two-hour distractions for parents who need some peace and quiet. Unfortunately, the concerted Hollywood effort to make these films inoffensive has also made them bland and creatively bankrupt. It’s functionally impossible for children to enjoy these works as films: instead, they are designed as just another bit of colorful stimuli for an ADHD generation raised more by their iPads than their parents. But Labyrinth is proof that it doesn’t have to be this way and that we can (and should) be giving our children plenty of substance to go with their spectacle.

The World’s Creepiest Muppets

Why, specifically, do I think children should watch Labyrinth? The first reason is that, at the risk of sounding overly blunt, fear is something that everyone must deal with every single day. Watching a spookier children’s movie allows kids to microdose fear and learn to process it within the context of a story that ultimately offers an inevitably happy ending. You know how some people are so nervous that a loud noise can ruin their entire day? That’s what happens when you lead a sheltered childhood protected from all things scary. Conversely, a regular diet of mildly frightening kids’ movies can help the audience grow into well-adjusted adults.

On a related note, movies like Labyrinth are a safe, controlled way to introduce kids to important real-world topics that might just save their lives. This is a film about child abduction, extortion, power imbalances, and so many other ‘dark’ topics, but it’s all wrapped in a shiny wrapper that includes cute songs and cuter creatures. Take it from a parent: you’ll eventually have to talk with your children about how all of this works in the real world to keep them safe. That conversation will be a lot easier for you (and more believable for them) if they have had time to process these scary ideas within a fictional context.

Teaching Kids Lessons (One Scream At A Time)

Finally, if you actually watch the movie with your kiddo instead of just using the TV as a babysitter, you can help teach them the most elusive skill of all: critical thinking. Every moment that makes them cover their eyes in fright is an opportunity for an open and honest conversation, with leading questions like “why did that scare you?” and “what do you think that character should have done instead?” This teaches children to actually engage with and learn from media, all while improving their self-confidence by helping them get over their fears. Not for nothing, they’ll also feel a sense of pride for emerging from a scary movie, stronger than ever.

Want to teach your own child a few important lessons? Or want to relive the glory days of weird ‘80s cinema? Heck, do you just want to jam out to the Goblin King’s impossibly catchy tunes? No matter your motivation, you’re in luck: Labyrinth is streaming on Netflix today. It’s a scary good time that, regardless of what my friend might tell you, is fun for the whole family. Fair warning, though: you might want to make sure nobody’s around before you start dancing your own magic dance in the living room!