BRIAN READE: ‘UK politics is depressing as a pool of cold dog sick – but I know what Starmer must do’

After yet another tumultuous week in politics, Brian Reade says if Starmer had a makeover that turned him into The Thick Of It’s Malcolm Tucker, the calls for his resignation would soon disappear

IS it any wonder most people ­currently find British politics a more depressing sight than a pool of cold dog sick on a new rug?

The bald, kilted fund-robber with his two £350 hairdryers, the rage-baiter and his dubious five million quid “reward”, and the latest dump of Mandelson files, which had TV ­political editors breaking into hot flushes of expectation over something that turned out to be a nine-inch pile of nothingness. I dump more ­interesting food packaging into my recycle bin. And I’m a vegetarian.

Ooh, Wes got a bit hysterical over Gaza, Pat hates backbenchers ­interfering over benefit cuts, Darren told Mandy he was sorry he was sacked and the biggie: Keir Starmer lacks (drum roll…wait for it)…“verve”.

Is that it? We have splurged a million quid on 1,500 pages of redacted word salad which insults the phrase ­tittle-tattle. The only thing worthy of note was Peter Mandelson comparing the chaos inside Keir Starmer’s government to the BBC’s political satire The Thick Of It. Not because it was original but because it reminded me that if Starmer’s government was more like The Thick Of It then he might stand a chance of survival.

How many times have you heard ministers bemoan the fact that Labour is doing great things but can’t get its message across? Bridget Phillipson was at it this week, arguing that they’ve scrapped the two-child benefit limit, expanded free school meals and brought in free childcare but nobody seems to know about it.

Well whose fault is that if it’s not your government’s timid messaging? If Starmer had a makeover that turned him into The Thick Of It’s Malcolm Tucker the calls for his resignation would disappear.

Imagine if he’d said this to Tony Blair after his mealy-mouthed intervention last week (and I have censored Tucker’s swearing): “You’re not a grandee, you’re a bland-ee. You’re political mist – no substance, no weight. You have all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside.”

OPINION

OPINION

Or this to Kemi Badenoch at PMQs: “You’re an omnishambles. You’re like that coffee machine, you know, from bean to cup, you f**k up.”

How high would you punch the air if he said to Robert Peston: “Feet off the furniture you Oxbridge tw*t, you’re not in a punt now.” Or this to a Daily Mail sketchwriter who fancies himself as a wordsmith: “I enjoyed your novel… way of writing a f***ing awful story.” Imagine the applause if Starmer told Lee Anderson: “You sound like a hairy-arsed docker after 12 pints. You’re so dense that light bends around you.”

Or this to Robert Jenrick: “I’ve never seen anyone look so ugly with just one head. Who did your media training, Myra Hindley? All these hands all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra.”

And how high would Labour have soared in the polls if, after Nigel Farage had cynically called for “pure, cold rage” following the tragic death of Henry Nowak, Starmer had turned and said: “You want cold rage? How about I tear your skin off, wear it to your mother’s birthday party, and rub your nuts up and down her leg while whistling Bohemian f***ing Rhapsody?”

If you want to get your “verve” back, Prime Minister, then get your Malcolm Tucker head on.