Dads Are Getting Real About Losing Their Identities After Having Kids

We often hear about how becoming a mum can impact identity – just this year, a major survey of 4,000 women by Peanut found nine in 10 mums (93%) said they’d experienced a “meaningful change” in identity after becoming a parent.

More than half (59%) said they felt like a completely different person after having a baby.

But compared with motherhood, fatherhood and identity seem to receive less research attention and much less public discussion.

In online forums, some report a sense of feeling lost or no longer recognising themselves after having children. One dad described feeling “like a husk” of the person he used to be. Another described not having the energy for himself and feeling guilt over letting his “career, hobbies and friends slip”.

Taking to Reddit more recently, a dad-of-three opened up about having the “realisation” that he doesn’t seem to have an identity outside of keeping his family running.

“Somewhere along the way I became the person who remembers everything. The grocery list. The camp forms. The appointments. The lunches. The laundry. The bills,” he said.

“None of those things are who I am. But together they’ve become what I do all day, every day.”

He added that he loves his family and loves being a dad, “but sometimes I wonder who I am when nobody needs anything from me”.

“I struggle with this too. It’s hard,” said one of many replies.

Another parent chimed in: “I went out for drinks while my family was away last week and I realised I forgot how to do that … I have my work life where I run that place, and my home life where I run that place, but outside of those two things, I have a hard time existing.”

One parent noted they “worry” who they will be in 20 years when their child is an adult and leaves home, while another recalled how even a simple “how are you?” prompts them to answer about their family’s wellbeing, rather than their own.

It’s certainly not uncommon to feel like your identity shifts radically after having kids. Where once you only had yourself (and perhaps a romantic partner) to think about, now you’re also wholly responsible for another human – who relies on you for everything. They almost become an extension of you.

Dr Rebecca Lesser Allen, a clinical psychologist who works with families, said in her experience, identity loss begins when parents struggle to maintain space for their own perspective.

“In modern life, most parents begin organising their decisions around what the children need, what the household needs, what everyone else needs, and stop asking themselves: what do I enjoy? What feels meaningful to me? What kind of person am I becoming?” she said.

Rather than trying to return to the person you were before having children, the aim is to “continue growing and evolving while integrating parenthood into your larger sense of self”, she suggested.

“Healthy identity isn’t about clinging to your pre-parent self or disappearing into the role of ‘Mum’ or ‘Dad’. It’s about continuing to become a whole person.”

There is a lot of messaging in modern society that life needs to revolve around children, but Dr Lesser Allen wants to see a shift away from this idea that kids should be the organising principle of family life.

“We often receive the message that being a good parent means optimising every aspect of childhood – meals, sleep, enrichment activities, emotional development, schedules, weekends – and that a devoted parent should always put themselves last,” said the psychologist.

“That pressure is exhausting, and I don’t think it’s serving parents or children particularly well.”

Brook McKenzie, a chemical dependency counsellor and CEO for Burning Tree Programs, a long-term treatment centre for people struggling with addiction, said he often sees the long-term consequences “when a parent’s entire identity becomes wrapped up in their child”.

“Being a father is an enormously important part of a man’s identity, but it can’t be his entire identity,” he said.

“Children are supposed to need us differently as they grow. If Dad’s sense of purpose depends on remaining indispensable, he may unintentionally keep doing for his children what they need to learn to do for themselves.”

His advice to fathers in a similar position is to avoid asking, “Who am I when nobody needs me?” and instead ask, “Who am I choosing to become while my children are becoming who they are?”.

“Go back to the parts of yourself that existed before everyone needed something from you,” he advised parents. “Friendships. Marriage. Work. Faith. Fitness. Curiosity. Hobbies. Whatever was genuinely yours. And if some of those things no longer fit, build something new.

“The goal of fatherhood isn’t to remain necessary forever. It’s to raise children who can eventually stand without you – and to still have a life worth living when they do.”

Research suggests benefit from growing up in families where parents maintain a healthy sense of self and strong adult relationships, while remaining emotionally connected to their children, Dr Lesser Allen pointed out.

Instead of waiting until you have a free Saturday to reconnect with yourself (which could be a while, let’s face it), she urged parents to “invite your children into the life you already value”.

“If you love hiking, bring them hiking. If you enjoy gardening, you can let them help. Or give yourself permission to do it while they potter around and interrupt and bother you that they’re bored,” she said.

Kids might say they’re bored and wish they were doing something else – and that’s alright. They’ll be OK. She continued: “Give yourself permission to sit on the couch in the middle of a busy Saturday, read a book, and tell your kids ‘I’m not available right now.’

“Children don’t need every activity to be designed around them. They benefit from participating in meaningful family life.”

She also wants parents to get curious about the guilt they feel over doing things for themselves – this guilt “often reflects an internalised cultural message that a good parent is endlessly self-sacrificing”, she added.

“Again, the research indicates that this kind of self-sacrifice does not benefit children. Guilt isn’t always evidence that you’re doing something wrong. Sometimes it’s evidence that you’re challenging an unrealistic expectation.”

Like McKenzie, the expert said maintaining your identity isn’t just good for you, it’s good for your children, too.

“Kids benefit from seeing their parents have friendships, interests, meaningful work, and passions outside of parenting. It teaches them that adulthood isn’t about disappearing into caregiving or organising your entire existence around someone else,” she said.

“It teaches them that healthy relationships allow us to love deeply without losing ourselves.

“The healthiest families aren’t the ones where parents sacrifice their identities for their children. I work with adolescents and young adults in therapy every day who tell me that this is not helpful and often places an enormous burden on them.

“Healthy families are ones where children grow up surrounded by adults who remain whole people, and in doing so, model what a full and meaningful life can look like.”

McKenzie seconds this: “One of the healthiest gifts a parent can give a child is watching them see Mum or Dad continue to grow, pursue meaningful work, maintain friendships, nurture a marriage, and live a life that doesn’t depend on their child’s constant involvement.”