Q I cannot stand my son’s wife. She is in her early 30s and initially we were pleased when he met her as she seemed pleasant, was polite, well-spoken and attractive and had a good job (in corporate law).
However, a few years in, I am finding her unbearable. She is apparently very successful at work and as a result she seems to be rather bossy and opinionated, and I think she dominates my son, even though he has a good career of his own.
They are talking about having children and when we saw them recently, my son was even saying that he might be the one to stay at home and take care of them part time because her earnings are double his.
What about his career? He will fall behind. My wife tells me not to be so old-fashioned but I think it would be emasculating for my son to be a househusband. He has a first-class degree.
A What you don’t mention is what your son thinks. Is he unhappy? Does he feel dominated or controlled by his wife? Would he resent taking a step back in his career? If the answer is no, then I wonder whether you’re worrying about a problem that doesn’t actually exist.
You describe your daughter-in-law as successful, bossy and opinionated – and sometimes success and high salaries can make people a little too full of themselves. However, have you noticed that only women are ever referred to as bossy? Could it be instead that she is confident and decisive – qualities you might well have yourself but which you might see differently in her? It can help to look for the things we do like in a person. You liked her initially, so perhaps you can accept her faults while appreciating her other qualities.
I wonder if some of your discomfort comes from an understandable but old-fashioned notion of a man’s role, as your wife suggests. There is nothing emasculating about a father choosing to spend more time caring for his children. Your son’s first-class degree and career do not disappear because he takes time out to care for them. If his wife earns twice as much, it may simply make financial sense for them to arrange things this way. And your grandchild will be very lucky to have a loving parent to care for them.
Try looking at their choices through your son’s eyes rather than your own. Perhaps he is proud of his wife’s success, happy to support her career and excited about being an involved father. You clearly love your son and sometimes the most loving thing that parents can do when our adult children make choices that we don’t understand is to step back and trust them.
MY COLLEAGUE EXPECTS ME TO SWAP SHIFTS
Q My job sometimes involves evening or weekend shifts, which I don’t mind because it’s work I enjoy. I have a colleague with children under ten who often asks me to swap shifts. As I’m in my 50s, divorced and child-free, I’ve usually agreed because I’ve been able to be flexible.
However, I’ve now met someone and I’d really like to spend more evenings and weekends with him. When my colleague recently asked me to swap some shifts, I said I’d prefer not to. She became quite angry and said I was being unhelpful. I feel as though I’m in the wrong, and it’s upsetting.
A It is difficult to combine shift work with having young children and, like you, I can sympathise with that. But that doesn’t mean you have to rearrange your life to make hers easier – and she certainly had no right to become angry when you have been kind and accommodating for years, presumably because you could be. But perhaps that very kindness has become something she takes for granted.
There can be an assumption that people with young children need more consideration, but this may also mean that colleagues with fewer responsibilities are expected to absorb the inconvenience. So tell her, kindly but firmly, that your circumstances have changed and you are no longer able to swap shifts as frequently.
Please don’t feel bad about this. You can sympathise with her situation without taking responsibility for solving it.
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