Dear Coleen: How can I ever tell my ultra-religious mum that I’m gay?

The man told Coleen: ‘She’s rigid in her beliefs and her opinions do get to me’

Dear Coleen

I’m a man in my 20s and my parents don’t know I’m gay, as my mum in particular is ultra-religious and it wouldn’t go down well. I’m out to my mates and my siblings also know and are supportive, but I still can’t bring myself to have that conversation with my mum.

The thing is, she’s constantly at me about finding a girlfriend and the longer I’m without one, the worse it’s getting. I don’t know how to play this. I’m worried that I’ll snap one day and blurt it out.

Most of the time I can cope by ignoring it, as I don’t live at home and lead my life exactly how I want to, but when I visit her or we talk on the phone, the only thing she wants to know about is my love life.

I’m a grown man with a good job, so it feels ridiculous that I can’t deal with this, but you haven’t met my mum. She’s very rigid in her beliefs and her opinions do get to me. Any help on how to navigate this would be welcome.

Coleen says

I get it. It’s easy for people to say, “just be honest”, but it’s hard to do it when you’re anticipating a negative reaction and worried about how it might affect your relationship.

My mum was incredibly religious and a practising Catholic, but her beliefs didn’t mean more to her than her children.

I had a baby “out of wedlock” and my sister got pregnant by a guy my parents didn’t even know she was dating, but they didn’t cut us off. My sister got me to tell my parents she was pregnant so, by the time she spoke to them, the heat was taken out of it. Maybe this is where your siblings can help. Alternatively, you could ask one of them to speak to your parents first to lay the groundwork.

Maybe your mum suspects you’re gay and her asking questions about your love life might be her way of encouraging you to tell her. I have several gay friends who waited years to tell their parents and, when they did, the replies were along the lines of, “We know”.

Worst case scenario is she won’t understand or be accepting, which is so wrong but her issue to deal with, and over time with education and support, her attitude might change. There’s a great organisation called FFLAG (fflag.org.uk), which supports and guides families with LGBT+ loved ones.

Most importantly, if you do decide to tell her, do it when you’re in a good place and feel ready – there’s no rush. Get support from people who’ve been through it, as well as your siblings and friends. Good luck.

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