Talking to kids about sensitive subjects like war can be difficult but it’s worth doing so if they are at risk of hearing about it elsewhere
As tensions in the Middle East intensify, so too do concerns about the situation. The US and Israel have conducted airstrikes in Iran, and the conflict is spreading into neighbouring nations, with missiles launched at a British airbase in Cyprus.
For those caught up in the violence and attacks, it’s unimaginable – and for those watching from a distance, the feelings of fear and helplessness can be overpowering. For children, who have a more limited understanding of what’s happening, this can be even more frightening.
Hearing terms like ‘bombing’ and ‘World War Three’ without fully grasping what’s occurring is concerning for everyone, and it doesn’t pass our little ones by. An expert has offered her input on the situation and how to speak about it with youngsters.
Hypnotherapist, psychotherapist and mentor, Tania Taylor said: “Children are like sponges; they’re absorbing everything. Whether it’s on the news, someone talking to the shop checkout lady, parents chatting in the playground, or a TikTok video, much of what they are hearing, especially once at school, is out of your control.
“And sometimes, external factors (for example, Kevin in the playground telling everyone that World War Three is starting and we’re all going to die) can provoke more of a fear response.” Even very young children may be more conscious of what war is than we might realise.
Tania says: “Many children have been exposed to adults or older siblings playing war-type computer games or watching YouTube influencers play such games on their own or a friend’s mobile phone or tablet. So, terms such as ‘bombing’ might not be as unfamiliar to our children as we might think.”
So, it’s worth contemplating your choice of words around younger children. But what’s the best way to explain the current situation to the children in your life? And how can you alleviate any worries whilst also handling your own?
How to approach the subject
As parents and carers, we might feel our role is to provide them with all the information and keep them up to date. However, this method can occasionally leave youngsters feeling overwhelmed, Tania explains.
She says: “Children tend to be really good at spontaneous questioning. If they want to know something, they’ll ask.”
But if they do enquire, or you believe they require some explanation or comfort, it’s crucial to consider how you’re feeling first.
Tania advises: “First of all, you need to consider your own state of mind in relation to what is going on and how much information you would personally like to give your child.
“This is important as even if you are led by your child’s questioning, you begin with at least some self-awareness of how you are feeling and where you want to go with it.
“If you are particularly anxious about it all, it may be that you choose to wait until a time when you’re feeling less anxious to talk about it. Or perhaps having a discussion with another important adult in your child’s life, who can talk to your child instead, like a teacher or grandparent.”
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Tania proposes that you might want to begin with a general question, such as ‘have you learned about wars at school?’, and then pay attention to your child’s answer.
She added: “What you’re doing here is enabling your child an opportunity to talk about something which they may not realise they can talk about.
“If your child isn’t interested, they’ll tell you so, and there’s no need to push the conversation. If they go on to hear something at school, they’ll know you know about it, and be more likely to approach you with any questions.”
It’s always wise to let children know that if they have any queries, they can come to you.
What can parents do and say to explain but not frighten?
Discussing the distance between the UK and ongoing events can be useful, Tania suggests.
She explains: “As much as we don’t want to normalise war, it is something that has been happening at varying points across the globe for the whole of your child’s life. Knowing this can help to reassure your child that the chance they will be directly impacted is quite minimal.
“Although they may want to talk to you about the people who are directly impacted. Keep language age-appropriate and be led by your child.
“Taking action, such as getting in touch with a charity organisation that may accept shoebox-type gifts, is a really good way of showing your child that although this is happening far away, there are still small actions we can take to give our support.”
Active listening
Tania also recommends a technique called ‘active listening’, which parents can use if their child is interested and wants to know more.
She says: “What you are doing here is paying full attention to your child throughout the entire conversation, disregarding distractions, and concentrating solely on listening to your child’s words.
“Listen to their queries, and don’t provide more information than they’re asking for. We humans have a tendency to overshare, which isn’t necessarily beneficial in this situation.”
And if you’re unsure of all the answers to their questions, don’t hesitate to admit that you don’t know.
Tania further advises: “Perhaps you can spend time searching for information together, or maybe you feel more at ease saying you’ll find out and inform them later.”