‘I want to propose to my girlfriend but she needs to make a big change first’

Agony aunt Coleen Nolan advises a reader who wants to propose to his girlfriend of three years but says she needs to ‘grow up’ a bit and stop sulking over minor things

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years and have been thinking of proposing. We’re both 29 and we’ve had a few conversations about it. I would have done it sooner, but I keep waiting for her to grow up a bit and appreciate how fortunate she is because, at the moment, her attitude stinks.

She literally has everything going for her – a good family, stunning looks, a fun job and loads of friends, plus me – but nothing is ever good enough. This past weekend is a good example. We were staying in a hotel for a few days and offered a free upgrade to a rooftop suite, as there were a couple of functions going on.

Anyone else would have been made up with a suite of rooms that included a rooftop deck with a private hot tub, but not her. Apparently, the bathroom was too small, so she sulked the whole time.

Her glass is always half empty and it’s draining. Sometimes she acts really spoilt and it’s not attractive. She’s an only child and used to her parents pandering to her every whim. But can I change her way of seeing things.

Coleen says

I don’t think you can change people – they have to do that for themselves – but you can try to help her see things differently and appreciate the life she has. Maybe your more mature and optimistic outlook will rub off on her.

My most important bit of advice is: if you’re feeling all these things, then don’t get engaged! Propose when you are sure and the timing feels right.

Weddings are stressful enough and there’s a lot of potential for emotions to run high, so it’s really important that you’re on the same page. I’m not suggesting you should end the relationship, but take some time because you’re both still young and the opportunity is there to share more experiences and grow together.

You don’t need an engagement ring or a wedding right now. Also, sometimes people need to hear the truth, so if she’s acting like a petulant child, call it out. I’m sure she’d tell you if something you did annoyed or upset her. It’s supposed to be an equal partnership and you have to be able to communicate honestly.

But one thing’s certain, if you’re having these thoughts now, a wedding certificate isn’t going to make them magically disappear. Before you go into marriage, it’s so important to confront any issues or doubts, so you can walk down that aisle feeling truly happy.

Coleen’s words of wisdom

If you’re struggling to move on from something painful, remember that you don’t have to be defined by that experience. What’s important is how you emerge from it – you can choose who you become.