Ignoring A Toddler Tantrum: Does It Work?

If there’s one thing we all know about toddlers, it’s that they are capable of throwing some epic wobblies, over seemingly small things.

Of course, to a two-year-old, their banana breaking (or – even worse – you cutting it up for them when they wanted it whole) is a life-shattering ordeal.

But how’s best to respond when young kids do have the meltdown to end all meltdowns?

One therapist previously said asking them a “tiny, non-threatening question” can help distract in the moment (I’ll be honest, I don’t think my child would even hear me over the screeching).

For parenting coach Gen Muir, verbalising what you’re seeing – from the reason they’re having a tantrum, to the emotions they’re experiencing – can help. (She used this with her children and said it vanquished a banana-induced meltdown in seven seconds).

But another strategy some parents swear by is to do absolutely nothing and carry on like it isn’t happening.

One parent shared on Reddit how their toddler was refusing to eat dinner and then threw a hissy because she’d been told there were no other things to eat.

Despite throwing what her parent called “the biggest tantrum” they “ignored her, continued to eat and when we finished, we started cleaning up”.

Their child, meanwhile, calmed herself down, got back on her chair and ate her dinner.

The parent noted that “ignoring” their daughter’s tantrums – instead of making demands or trying to calm her down – has “worked really well”.

Other parents agreed this strategy has worked for them, too. “Our nearly 3yo [3-year-old] has been really pushing it lately. Ignoring has helped MY sanity as much as anything.”

Another said: “Ignoring also worked well with my toddler! They’re not really capable of using logic when they’re in a state like that so I realised pretty quickly that trying to reason with her or talk her down was only making it drag out longer.”

Therapist Heidi Soholt, who is a member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), said: “It’s not so much ignoring that is the key to being able to diffuse a tantrum – it’s more to do with being able to stay calm.

“By doing this you are communicating to your child that you can handle and contain their big emotions, and that they are safe.”

Young children in the throes of a tantrum often feel completely overwhelmed with emotion and need help to feel calm. Staying close, and calm, can help them regulate, added the therapist.

Dr Sasha Hall, senior educational and child psychologist, suggested that ignoring a tantrum can be an “effective strategy” in some situations, particularly when a child has learned that a certain behaviour results in extra attention, negotiation or a change in boundaries.

It might even reduce power struggles and help children learn that certain behaviours will not change their parent’s decision.

“However, it is important to distinguish between ignoring a behaviour and ignoring a child,” she warned.

“Young children learn about relationships through repeated interactions with their caregivers. During moments of distress, they are not only learning about rules and expectations, they are also learning what to expect from the adults around them.”

There is a risk of parents interpreting this approach as withdrawing connection whenever a child is upset – and that’s not advised.

“If children repeatedly experience adults becoming emotionally unavailable during moments of distress, they may begin to learn that expressing big feelings leads to disconnection,” said Dr Hall.

“Not all tantrums are the same. A child protesting a limit is different from a child who is overwhelmed, frightened, exhausted or struggling to regulate their emotions.”

In these situations, she suggested ignoring the behaviour may not address the underlying need.

For Dr Hall, the most effective response is to hold the boundary while remaining emotionally present. This could mean sitting nearby but staying firm in whatever it is they’re sad or angry about – whether that’s you not letting them have ice cream for dinner, or the fact you wouldn’t let them wee on your drive (yes I’m absolutely speaking from experience).

“While you certainly don’t need to be giving into your child’s demands, children do benefit from adults remaining emotionally available, predictable and responsive, even when they are holding a firm boundary,” she added.

Experts recommend checking in after a tantrum has passed to talk over what happened and what they could do to help manage their big feelings next time.