Is Reform putting its crypto millions to good use with world’s worst phone game?

Last weekend’s announcement that a couple of crypto bros had tossed a combined total of £72 million towards Reform UK struck fear into the heart of the political establishment.

What would Nigel Farage do with it? Will he launch a withering billboard campaign, or create professional teams across the country to hammer voters with party messaging?

Well, yesterday we learned one thing Reform has been up to with money they received before this latest windfall – including the millions previously sent by their crypto billionaire pals.

It’s a phone game called Small Boat Scramble, where you play a Royal Navy vessel turning back migrant dinghies as they cross the English Channel.

And on this evidence, the political establishment has nothing to worry about. It is utter dreck.

For the next few paragraphs, I’m going to remove my political reporter hat and put on my game reviewer one. It’s a role I’m eminently qualified for, having beaten Sir Ed Davey at EAFC two years ago.

Small Boat Scramble is somehow extremely derivative of better games, while also being extremely boring.

As the Royal Navy ship, you wipe your finger across the bottom of the screen to hit the dinghies as they descend from the top. So the concept is similar to Space Invaders… only less rewarding and way, way more repetitive.

I say less rewarding – the Reform press release sent out yesterday revealed the player with the highest score over the next month will win £5,000 (again, presumably from the sizable party coffers).

But Small Boat Scramble is so monotonous, that offer feels reminiscent of a Mr Beast video where he gives $1 million to the person who can stare at a blank wall for the longest.

I managed about 30 seconds, during which I sent back 64 boats. The current leader has achieved an astonishing 3,260 – I can only pray that person is somehow cheating and didn’t actually spend that much time on it.

(It must be pointed out that fourth place is currently held by a user called RupertLoweForPM.)

If, despite all of the above, you still fancy giving it a shot, then good luck tracking it down. Small Boat Scramble isn’t a standalone app, it’s part of a broader one called SmallBoatWatch, which is surprisingly hard to find on both the iPhone and Android app stores.

Even after downloading it, I had to be guided by a Reform press officer to close and reopen it before the game popped up as an option at the bottom.

Putting my political reporter hat back on, the new app is clearly an effort by Reform to keep small boats at the top of the political agenda even as the numbers fall dramatically.

From the start of this year until the start of September, a total of 16,513 people crossed the Channel in small boats. Of course, some would argue that one is too many, but that figure is down 43% from last year and is at its lowest since 2021.

Today, analysts at the National Crime Agency said law enforcement activity has been a key factor in bringing down the number – suggesting the government’s ‘smash the gangs’ approach is having an impact.

SmallBoatWatch, the app that hosts Small Boat Scramble, is designed to update users on Home Office stats showing small boat crossings. When I first opened it, that’s what I was presented with: zero crossings detected this week, with an estimated cost of £0.

In a video posted on X yesterday, Reform’s resident social media rage merchant Zia Yusuf accused the media of ‘trying to downplay the seriousness’ of the small boats issue.

He then went on to encourage people to download the app, which – once again – hosts a Space Invaders-inspired game where the user plays a ship pushing back dinghies for the chance to win £5,000.

The suggested username for people wanting to join the leaderboard is ‘Dinghy Dan’.

According to the Migration Observatory at the University of Oxford, around 180 people have died attempting to reach the UK in a small boat since 2018.

‘Dinghy Dan’. Maybe it’s time for the politicians to grow up.

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