Men reveal how often they really think about ‘the one that got away’

Jay spent five years pining for Daisy in The Great Gatsby, and Noah waited seven years for another chance with Allie in The Notebook.

For decades, pop culture has used ‘the one that got away’ as a trope, romanticising missed opportunities, what ifs, and long-lost loves.

In the most iconic of these films, it’s often the male character’s yearning and heartache over the loss that’s highlighted, which got us wondering… How often does this actually happen in real life?

In a bid to find out, Metro asked men how often they think about ‘the one that got away’, and some of the answers might raise a few eyebrows.

Here’s what they had to say…

I’m happily married, but I think about my ex daily

Ciaran, 37, tells Metro he thinks about an ex ‘almost daily’, despite being ‘happily married’. 

‘I’ve been with my wife for 18 years, and we’re extremely happy. But I think about the one that got away almost daily – 21 years on!

‘We are still really good friends, but only really chat online now.’

Another married man, known only as Oscar, is in a similar situation.

He admits that there was a time when he would think about the one that got away ‘every hour’ of the day. 

The 45-year-old said: ‘I’ve been happily married for 12 years, but still think about the one that got away.

‘I’m kind of over it now, but at its height I thought about them every hour.’

He claims it was a classic ‘right person, wrong time’ situation.

‘I was everything she needed, but not what she wanted,’ he explains. ‘I was an emotional crutch, bought her presents, went on dates, and helped her so much in her life.

‘We never took it to the next stage, despite it feeling so right. She didn’t want me, but she didn’t want anyone else to have me (her words, not mine).’

I can’t help but wonder how different my life could have been

For Alex, there are two people from his past who ‘regularly’ cross his mind. 

The 35-year-old has been married for a decade with two kids, and while he loves his family and ‘wouldn’t trade them for the world’, he admits he can’t help but think of how different his life could have been.

‘I have two people that got away, one I dated, one I didn’t, and I usually think about them a couple of times a month.

‘The one I didn’t date was the ultimate girl next door type; she was very smart, very funny, and very beautiful. We were really close friends who, on multiple occasions, professed to have feelings for one another but always found the timing was never right between other relationships and life just getting in the way. 

‘The one I dated was different; we didn’t necessarily have much in common, and I’d go so far as to say she was out of my league, but when we were together just the two of us, we worked and had fun. The problems always came in wider society and larger groups as we just seemed to stop working.’

Alex continues: ‘I think of them both in terms of the happy memories we shared and the times we were living in. The world isn’t what it once was, and these two girls represent a simpler time for me. 

‘Thinking about the ones that got away can bring back the way things felt back then, even if just for a moment.’

He adds: ‘I also think about the person I’d be now if they had worked out, what our lives would be like; it’s a curiosity that can’t be ignored but will never be fulfilled.’

She didn’t get away; I let her go

Ahaan, 23, is currently single, but has an ex he thinks about ‘more often than he’d ever admit out loud’.

He tells Metro they dated in college, but their relationship ended after he cheated.

‘The worst part is knowing that she didn’t get away; I let her go,’ he says.

‘At the time, I thought she’d always be there, even after I was unfaithful to her. 

‘A few years later, I saw her building the life she wanted with someone else and realised none of her expectations were impossible. She just found someone willing to meet them.

‘All the things she wanted from me, like consistency, effort, reassurance, and commitment, she ended up getting from someone willing to give them. By then, there wasn’t really anything left for me to say.’

What do relationship experts think?

With so many married men professing to still think about a lost love, you might think this means their relationships are doomed.

But, according to sex and relationship expert Gigi Engle, this isn’t necessarily the case.

‘Thinking about or missing an ex doesn’t mean that you’re broken, or that there’s anything wrong with you, or that you’re not happy in your relationship,’ she explains.

‘You could be perfectly happy, perfectly secure, and perfectly content with your stable partner, and still be tempted by the idea that there’s something shiny out there that you can’t have.’

This, she claims, is because it’s ‘difficult for our brains to want what they already have’.

‘It’s something psychotherapist Esther Perel has said, and what it essentially means is that we aren’t going to lust over and desire something we’ve already attained,’ Gigi says.

The expert also believes nostalgia plays a key role, as it’s something we’re very prone to.

‘We tend to long for someone in the past, in an idealised way. Our brains have a real tendency to hone in on the positive aspects of a past relationship or the positive qualities of an ex, ignoring the negative stuff, like arguments or lack of compatibility. That’s why we often miss our toxic ex, even though we know we shouldn’t be with them.’

BACP-registered counsellor and author, L.J Jones, agrees that there’s no issue with people in happily married and committed relationships ‘occasionally’ thinking about a former partner.

‘A passing thought is completely different from wanting to leave a current relationship,’ she says.

‘Memories are often triggered by life events, anniversaries, songs, places, or even reaching a new stage in life. Sometimes the former partner symbolises a younger version of ourselves, roads not taken or unanswered questions, rather than a genuine desire to rekindle the relationship.’

However, if you find these thoughts are becoming more frequent, you might need to dig a little deeper to work out what they’re really telling you.

‘They may reflect unmet emotional needs, nostalgia during a stressful period, or dissatisfaction in another area of life rather than actual feelings for that person.

‘Looking beneath the surface is often far more helpful than focusing on the individual from the past.’

Gigi agrees, adding: ‘It’s ok to miss that person, but becoming so incredibly fixated on the one that got away to the point that you’re sabotaging yourself or your relationship or comparing everyone to an ex, isn’t healthy and needs to be addressed.’

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@metro.co.uk

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