Our grandparents didn’t get divorced anywhere near as much as we do: divorce rates were low in the 1950s and 60s. But was that because they were happier – or they had no choice?
After all, women couldn’t get mortgages without a husband’s signature, contraception was patchy and the ‘shame’ of a failed marriage would follow you for life.
And yet… I’ve talked to enough couples who’ve been married 40, 50 and 60 years to know they’ve learned a lot about relationships along the way.
Couples aren’t staying together out of fear or convention anymore but something in the old rulebook is still working for them.
Here’s the old advice I think stands up, what doesn’t and if it can save your own struggling marriage right now.
UK sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox (pictured) has debunked old-school sayings about marriage
DON’T GO TO BED ANGRY
Verdict: Bin it
I’m a huge fan of the 20-minute argument rule: If you’re still fighting furiously 20 minutes into a row, stop and take a 10 minute ‘calm’ break. (Make a cup of tea or go for a quick walk rather than think what point you’ll make next and you’ll see how effective it is.)
If you’ve been arguing for a long time and find yourself going around in circles, feeling increasingly frustrated, continuing to fight as your bedtime comes and goes is NOT a good idea. The more tired you get, the less patient and focused you will be.
Agreeing to sleep on it and resume talking the next day is by far the best decision to make in these circumstances. If you can say, ‘I love you, we’ll sort this out tomorrow’, even better.
The original advice does have merit in that you should speak up rather than shut up about things that have bothered you during the day. But refusing to go to bed until things are completely sorted is not a good plan.
DON’T BOTHER YOUR HUSBAND AFTER A LONG DAY AT WORK
Verdict: Bin it
I vividly remember busting to tell my Dad something that happened at school and my Mum saying, ‘Don’t bother him when he’s just come home from work, darling’.
The main thrust of this advice was that the wife should shoulder all the ‘little’ problems (anything to do with the children, the home, anything that’s bothering you or anyone else you care about) while he gets to deal with the ‘big’ problems (money, the bins and men’s work like the garden). But only after you put his slippers on.
The ‘sort it before your husband comes home’ advice taught generations of women to shoulder the mental load, deal solo with their own grievances, put on a happy face and have dinner on the table before daring to mention anything was wrong.
These days, both men and women work so everyone’s had a long day at work. It’s also recognised that the saying ‘a woman’s work is never done’ is true.
Most women still do nearly all the housework, social organising and looking after of the children. It really doesn’t ever end.
It’s one thing to want a calm home but if you feel like you should edit your feelings to keep the peace, something is very wrong.
STAND BY YOUR MAN – NO MATTER WHAT
Verdict: It depends on ‘what’ is
If your partner is ill, depressed, struggling with work or going through a rough patch generally, of course you should be loyal and supportive.
Standing by your man through repeated cheating, emotional or physical abuse or addiction they refuse to address isn’t loyalty, it’s stupidity or martyrdom.
Our mothers and grandmothers might have been trapped by financial or social reasons but most of those no longer apply.
Therapists now draw a much sharper line under ‘no matter what’. Problems are one thing. But don’t stand by someone who IS the problem.
A WOMAN’S PLACE IS IN THE HOME
Verdict: Clearly rubbish but there’s something to be learned here
Dig deeper and you see what did work about this arrangement: everyone knew where they were. The roles were clearly defined.
Research on modern dual-income couples consistently shows that confusion over who is responsible for what in the running of the household is a bigger source of resentment than the time spent doing it all.
Those who’ve discussed and decided on mutually agreed tasks report much higher relationship satisfaction than those who don’t – even if the workload is still uneven.
The wording is wrong – plenty of women are now the breadwinners of the marriage – but there’s a nugget of wisdom here.
PUT YOUR LIPSTICK ON BEFORE HE GETS HOME
Verdict: True – but it cuts both ways
Slobbing about together in egg-stained T-shirts and trackpants is one of the pluses of being in a long-term relationship. You can truly relax with each other without being judged.
Always do it and you run a risk. Love is kind but it’s not blind. We’d all love to think it’s what’s happening on the inside that’s important but physical attraction is a huge factor in long-term desire.
Love responds to intelligence and emotional intelligence; lust is strongly influenced by what we see.
In short, both of you should keep putting your ‘lipstick’ on, figuratively speaking, no matter how long you’ve been together. Effort matters.
MANAGING MONEY IS HIS DEPARTMENT
Verdict: Terrible, terrible advice
If there’s one piece of vintage wisdom that needs to be buried forever, it’s this one.
Keeping the wife in the dark about household finances wasn’t always done for the ‘don’t worry your pretty head’ reason.
A lot of the time it was about controlling her. This also left generations of women financially illiterate and vulnerable when the marriage ended or the husband died.
Money issues are one of the top predictors of divorce. Financial infidelity – hidden debts, secret accounts – is now recognised by therapists as a betrayal on par with an affair.
Men aren’t necessarily better at managing money than women are. Both of you should know where it is, what’s owed, what’s coming in and have a say in how it’s spent and saved.
MARRIAGE TAKES WORK
Verdict: Quietly brilliant and will never age
If other things on this list are outright rubbish or a bit of a mixed bag, this one has stood the test of time for centuries.
It’s also the piece of advice lots of young couples are unlikely to pay attention to. In our me-centric society, there’s a belief that you shouldn’t have to change or bend to fit your partner. If you find the ‘right’ person, love is effortless.
It’s not.
Our grandparent’s generation didn’t always have better marriages. But many of them did go in expecting to work at it for life, rather than to feel constantly happy and bail the moment they didn’t.
Decades of Gottman studies (the most trusted institute for relationship findings) prove the couples who last aren’t the ones who never struggle.
They’re the ones who treat their relationship as a living thing: something that requires active maintenance, reworking and repairing things that don’t work.
Staying curious about a partner who changes constantly is the true key to lasting happiness.
People ask, ‘How do you stay in love with the same person the whole of your life?’. The answer is you don’t.
Each of you change into different people throughout your life and each time it happens, it’s a choice of whether to fall in love again or jump ship.
Knowing this is the single biggest thing worth borrowing from past wisdom.
Relate.org.uk offer relationship counselling for all incomes. You’ll find Tracey’s latest book, ‘Great Sex Starts at 50’ at all good booksellers. Follow her @traceycoxsexauthor.
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