Agony aunt Coleen Nolan has advice for a reader who is scared to put her trust in her new partner, after she fount out he previously cheated in his marriage
Dear Coleen,
I met my boyfriend via a dating site a few months ago and we clicked straight away. I’m in my 30s and was single for six months after splitting up with a long-term partner. The guy I’m seeing is a year post-divorce.
We’ve had a lot of fun together and things are passionate, too, but there’s one thing that really bugs me and makes me worry about having a future together – he had an affair while he was married. It was a serious affair, too, lasting a couple of years. His ex-wife found out and that was the end of the marriage. He says he regrets what happened and that he’d never get himself into a situation like that again. Once his marriage ended the other woman dumped him. I guess things stopped being exciting for her.
I do believe he regrets his behaviour, but do people really change? Would he cheat on me? I’ve never been unfaithful to a partner and none of my exes have ever cheated on me, so I’m very wary.
I’m falling for him, though, and want to make sure I can trust him before getting any more involved. What do you think?
Coleen says:
Look, at the start of any relationship, whatever a person’s history, there are no guarantees it’s going to work out. It’s always a leap of faith to a certain degree.
Generally, I believe in giving people a chance until they let you down and remember this is a different relationship, you’re not his ex and hopefully he’s learned some lessons following the breakdown of his marriage.
I’m not making excuses for him because there are always other options, but maybe he was with the wrong person or he was immature at the time or maybe it was more to do with his own insecurities and ego.
He’s the only one who can give you the answer and only you can be the judge. If he hasn’t gone into detail about why the affair happened then ask him why he thinks he went down that route. If it was a long-term affair then it suggests it was with someone he was in love with, as opposed to purely a sexual thing. But instead of talking to his wife and ending the marriage, he carried on.
On the positive side, he didn’t have to admit the affair, but he has been up front with you, so he’s owning the part he played. But of course he needs to know that you wouldn’t accept that behaviour.