My Child Can’t Handle Being Told ‘No’

“How do I get my kid to know no means no, and it’s not an opportunity to ask again or talk me into the situation?” asked a frustrated parent on an online support group for parents of kids with ADHD.

“We resort to yelling because we get so frustrated when she’s constantly talking back, disagreeing, or arguing.”

The post had over 700 comments from parents offering up well-meaning advice.

“I always say ‘you have my answer’,” said one respondent. “Your answer will always calmly be ‘you have my answer’, no explanation needed.”

Another parent added they’d seen a teacher respond with “asked and answered” so they put that into practice, too.

“Asking kids to repeat the answer I gave them has worked well for me,” added another commenter. “If they’re still fixated, or if they weren’t listening, I try to redirect to a different topic or activity.”

With teachers suggesting kids who can’t take ‘no’ for an answer are “basically unteachable”, it’s certainly worth focusing on at home. But how is best to teach them, especially if they seem to think “no” is an invitation to argue?

Dr Sasha Hall, a senior education and child psychologist, told HuffPost UK that for children under the age of six, struggling with the word “no” is usually not about being naughty or deliberately defiant.

“At this age, children are still developing key executive functioning skills, such as impulse control, emotional regulation, waiting, turn taking, and managing frustration,” she said.

“The parts of the brain responsible for these skills are very immature in early childhood. As a result, when a child hears no, especially if they are already tired, hungry, or emotionally stretched, it can quickly overwhelm their ability to cope.”

For some children, this emotional overload can lead to tantrums – there may be shouting, throwing objects, hitting. In younger children, there might be biting.

“This is not a conscious choice to misbehave, but a sign that the child does not yet have the skills to manage big feelings safely,” said Dr Hall.

And for neurodivergent children, such as those with autism or ADHD, “this can be even more challenging due to differences in emotional regulation, sensory processing, and impulse control”.

Kids can come out with their fair share of requests – from wanting to take toys to school, to asking for chocolate first thing in the morning. So, understandably, they get told ‘no’ quite a bit.

If you do find yourself saying it, child and educational psychologist Dr Emily Crosby said it’s important to explain why they cannot do the thing they want to do.

“Children need that explained to them as they cannot work this out at a young age and we often see adults out of stress and desperation saying ‘no’ repetitively without explaining why,” she said.

The key here is doing the explaining when your child’s in a calm and regulated state – if they fly off the handle upon hearing the word ‘no’, you need to change tact.

Dr Hall explained: “When a child reacts strongly to being told ‘no’, they are often in a heightened state of stress. In that moment, using lots of language, reasoning, or logic is unlikely to help, because the child is not in a state where they can process it.

“My mantra is that when emotions get big, words get small. The priority at that point is not teaching a lesson, but helping the child to regulate.”

At this point, you can validate their feelings (for example, by saying: “I can see it’s really hard for you”), but you can also reprimand their behaviours, said Dr Crosby (ie. “It’s not OK to hit mummy”).

At this point, it’s important to hold firm. “If the answer is no, that boundary should stay in place,” said Dr Hall.

“However, firm boundaries do not need to come without warmth. Parents can offer comfort and emotional support in a way that suits their child, such as a cuddle, gentle rocking, deep pressure, or simply staying close and calm.

“Labelling the feeling can also help, for example saying, ‘I can see you are really angry because I said no. That makes sense.’ What we want to avoid is minimising the child’s feelings or trying to talk them out of being upset.”

She added that consistency between adults is particularly important, as when responses vary between parents, grandparents or school staff, “it becomes much harder for a child to learn what to expect”.

“Predictable adult responses help children feel safe and supported, and over time this is what helps them learn to cope with disappointment and accept boundaries more successfully,” she added.

Once your child is calm again, that is the time when language, reflection, and problem-solving can be introduced. What could they do instead? How can they help themselves when they feel frustrated in future?

“Outside of these moments, parents can also teach emotional regulation skills during calm times, such as simple breathing techniques,” said Dr Hall.

“These strategies need to be practised when the child is regulated, otherwise they will not be accessible during moments of distress.

“Importantly, parents may also need to practise their own regulation strategies, as it is extremely hard to help a child calm their body when you yourself feel overwhelmed.”