My husband ran off with the au pair and it’s put me off relationships for good

Is there a ‘right’ way to move on from a failed relationship?

After an affair shattered her marriage, this week’s reader is trying her best to navigate single life.

She has no interest in ‘competing’ with her unfaithful ex in the ‘happy families stake’ — she really just wants a good roll around in the hay.

But it’s proving to be more difficult than she expected.

Keep reading to hear Laura’s advice, but before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, from a woman whose claustrophobic mum is ruining her dating life.

The problem…

Three years ago, my marriage broke down after my husband left me for our au pair. It was a desperate time for me, as I thought we were really happy until she came along.

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Hi, my name is Laura Collins, and every week I write Metro’s Sex Column.

I’ve been working in newspapers since completing my counselling training 30 years ago, and it’s always a privilege to help readers.

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I work full-time a few miles away, whereas he ran his own company from home, which involved him spending lots of time with her. I frequently came home after a hard day in the office to piles of untouched washing and ironing, but he always defended her and said she’d been busy doing ‘other things’.

Eventually, he announced that he was leaving to start a new life with her, which devastated me. They’re still together and by all accounts are very happy.

My children adore her, so I try to be grown-up about it and never show how upset I am when they go to their dad’s.

I’ve avoided serious relationships since the split and am not interested in settling down with anyone. I don’t want to compete with my ex in the ‘happy families’ stakes.

I’m not unattractive and have no shortage of dates, but I find that most of the guys I meet don’t take me seriously when I say I only want sex and a good time, nothing more. A lot of men want to ‘fix’ me or try to convince me that they’re the one who could make me happy again.

I honestly only want casual sex without any hassle, but it’s harder than I imagined it would be.

The advice

On the surface, your problem seems to be that you’re struggling to find guys who only want sex and aren’t interested in a relationship. But surely there are many men out there who want no-strings sex. Perhaps they’re just not the ones you’re attracted to?

Let’s take a step back and look at what’s really going on.

When a marriage breaks up, you often go through a grieving period, because the future life you dreamed of has now gone forever. Does this ring a bell?

I suspect you actually do want a loving relationship, but you just don’t feel positive about the prospect. Maybe you’re afraid to get ‘back in the game’ because you’ve experienced how distressing it is if things go wrong.

And with that fear goes the feeling that you have to compete with your ex and his wonderful new life. (Btw – you don’t, and I’ll bet it isn’t always as wonderful as you imagine.)

Some counselling would help you unravel all the emotions you’re feeling right now. It’s tempting to think that talking to friends is enough, but in my view, nothing beats time spent with a professional.

Perhaps you’ll have a few therapy sessions and still feel you only want a ‘friend with benefits’ and that’s fine. There are men out there who want the same, but maybe you’ll need to review the type you date.

In the meantime, don’t let what’s happened before define your future, and open yourself up to other possibilities.

You deserve to be happy, and your children deserve a happy mum.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

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