QUENTIN LETTS: Samantha, the living antidote to populism, picked to launch the ‘Stuff Nigel Farage’ review

You expect someone called Samantha to be exciting. Even a bit va-va-voom. Samantha Fox, Samantha Cameron, Samantha the scoreboard assistant on Radio 4’s I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue.

Samantha Dixon corrects this theory. Mrs Dixon, 60, is a local government minister. On Monday she entered the Commons to make a statement about the Independent Review into Countering Foreign Financial Influence and Interference in UK Politics.

If you find that title unexciting, wait till you hear Mrs Dixon. The unofficial name of this government-commissioned report was the ‘Stuff Nigel Farage Review’. Whitehall considers that formulation a little coarse but everyone in Westminster knows what is afoot here. Labour is cross that Reform and Mr Farage attracted loot from abroad. The Starmer Government therefore decided to take unilateral action where politicians normally wait for agreement across the parties. New limits will apply to foreign-based donors (i.e. Christopher Harborne, Thailand-based crypto moneybags who gave Mr Farage £5million).

The review was written by Philip Rycroft, a former civil servant who once led the department for exiting the European Union. He has since come out as a Rejoiner. Not a chap you would necessarily expect to find at a Reform UK rally.

The Commons statement could have been given by Steve Reed, secretary of state for such matters, but Mrs Dixon was considered more suitable. Mr Reed is one of life’s bantams. Fighty little fellow. Can’t help himself. If the Blob was going to do a number on Nigel, it were better done by a bore. Enter Mrs Dixon.

She would be the suet in any pudding, the hole to toad. Like the overalls worn by modern racing drivers, Mrs Dixon, pictured, is designed not to burst into flames. She possesses a level voice that seldom rises above a murmur. Her steel-grey bob, Tootsie-style spectacles and sober garb – receptionist at the better sort of funeral home – scream placidity.

Richard Tice took an exuberant, galloping tilt at Mrs Dixon, yelling that ‘Labour will stop at nothing to stop the rise of Reform’

You could stick her on GB News and within moments she would calm that television station’s throbbing revolutionaries. Her hobby is knitting. Had she only been around in French Revolution days, she would have brought tranquility to the tricoteuses who sat below the guillotine. A few hours with this Samantha and they would have toddled off home for a nice cup of tea and a piece of lemon drizzle.

Mrs Dixon, in her modulated, anger-management tones, told the House the Government would ‘take the policy forward’ and discuss law enforcement aspects with ‘our policing partners’.

‘We will work at pace,’ she droned repeatedly. ‘We are taking robust action to tighten enforcement rules.’ Crypto donations were going to come under particular scrutiny. Translation: ‘We will feel the collar of any rich Rightie such as Christopher Harborne who tries to slip Nigel’s lot a few million jimmies by the back door.’

The Conservative front bench welcomed the Rycroft review – Tories are no keener than Labour on Mr Farage’s sumptuous donations – but did mutter that the changes should have secured cross-party agreement. ‘It’ll come back to bite you!’ heckled Damian Hinds (Con, East Hants). If any future Right-wing government passed a law outlawing trade union donations to political parties, Labour could no longer wail about protocol being broken.

Andrew Murrison (Con, SW Wilts) said he wasn’t an apologist for Reform but the proposals looked ‘very much like a stitch-up which does none of any good’. Mrs Dixon bloodlessly said she did ‘not accept his characterisation’.

Richard Tice (Ref, Boston & Skegness) rewarded Dr Murrison with hearty hear-hears and soon took an exuberant, galloping tilt at Mrs Dixon. ‘Well, well!’ he yelled, ‘Labour will stop at nothing to stop the rise of Reform’.

He proceeded to mention a Cayman Isles firm that, he said, gave Labour four million smackers. The unions gave Labour £27million, too. ‘Hypocrites!’ bellowed Mr Tice bouncing on his seat.

Mrs Dixon, the living antidote to populism, opened her lips a cautious inch and emitted a few windless words.