The six best and least realistic ninja video games of the 80s – Reader’s Feature

The late 80s and early 90s were a great time for ninja games, but as a reader points, they weren’t always the most authentic or plausible.

There was once a time when video games made sense. You had a plumber who ‘fixed’ pipes, hedgehogs ran fairly briskly, and spaceships that shot down aliens. Then, sometime in the 1980s somebody looked at the concept of a ninja and decided that this wasn’t nearly stupid enough.
And so began the age ‘ninja nonsense nunchuk-ery’.

Suddenly, every arcade game was full of these not-so-secret clans. One minute, games were about things like space invaders and rescuing princesses. Then suddenly, everything had ninjas.

And not just the occasional ninja. We’re talking industrial quantities. Entire cities full of them. Streets, factories, forests, sewers, even golf courses absolutely teaming with ninja. Yes, golf courses!

Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja

It’s the sort of video game that as an adult makes you realise how easily pleased you were as an adolescent.

In a time when you never stopped to ask, ‘Does this even make sense?’

You play as Blade or Striker, two extremely patriotic men with predestined names whose solution to the kidnapping of the [resident is to take the law into their own hands, by proceeding to walk across America punching the face of every human being they encounter.

The fact the [resident needs rescuing by two Michael Jackson fans who look like they were rejected from an ‘80s action movie is completely justified.

The gameplay is beautifully simple: walk right, punch ninjas, occasionally spinny kick something, and hopefully nobody notices those approximately three attacks are your whole portfolio of moves.
Every now and then you can pick up can of soda, kept at body temp for your liking and pre-shaken, ensuring the deceased enemy gets the last laugh.

The real star, however, is the premise.

‘Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the [resident?’ Obviously, you are. Ridiculous, repetitive, and gloriously stupid, Bad Dudes Vs. DragonNinja is gaming distilled to its purest form: punch first, ask questions never.

Shinobi

During the course of this feature, we will establish that stealth apparently means heading directly towards your opponent in plain sight, often given them the opportunity to strike first.

Shinobi’s protagonist is Joe Musashi, a highly trained ninja whose idea of subtle infiltration is to sprint at an army of heavily armed men and reward them by pinning stars to their chests simply for taking part.

Diplomacy as its finest.

Surprisingly, the plot involves kidnapped children and evil organisations. Joe’s mission is simple. Rescue the kids and destroy the criminals; first one to die, loses.

The Revenge Of Shinobi

This is what happens when someone decides that Shinobi isn’t quite ridiculous enough and adds magic, atomic seppuku, Godzilla, and enough shuriken to make the modern day RAM shortage look contrived.

You play as Joe Musashi, a man whose wife has been kidnapped by Neo Zeed, an evil organisation, because according to any media, ninja revenge stories are legally required to begin with somebody being kidnapped.

Naturally, Joe responds by brazenly walking through cities, forests, and military installations, murdering approximately 700 people on the way.

And what a journey it is. One minute you’re fighting ordinary soldiers, the next you’re battling mutant creatures, pickled brains on cargo planes and guardians that appear to have escaped from a fever dream.

And a lawsuit.

Subtlety clearly wasn’t invited.

The controls are kind of adequate, but Mr Musashi’s arsenal of shuriken makes you feel less like a stealthy assassin and more like a noisy draw of cutlery.

Alex Kidd In Shinobi World

Because Sega looked at Shinobi and thought, ‘Needs more small child.’

Alex Kidd In Shinobi World begins with Alex’s girlfriend being kidnapped by the evil ninja Hanzo. A perfectly reasonable set-up for a serious tale of revenge, honour, and ancient martial arts.

But instead of a grim ninja warrior you get a giant-headed child in a little outfit bouncing around, probably skiving with no regard for his attendance record nor the teachers that patrol town monitoring truancy.

The game is essentially Sega taking Shinobi, putting it through a washing machine mixing dark with bright colours, and hoping nobody notices. And somehow it works as well as it’s supposed to.

Ninjas are everywhere, swarming around you like you’ve walked into a very aggressive Shinobi cosplay convention.

The best part is the complete lack of concern from any type of law enforcement. A kidnapped girlfriend? Massive evil ninja organisation? Ancient mystical powers?

Who gives a shidoshi. Ridiculous, charming and wonderfully Sega, Alex KiddIin Shinobi World proves that revenge doesn’t have to be dark and serious.

Sometimes revenge has a massive head and eats burgers.

Shadow Dancer: The Secret Of Shinobi

Shadow-dancing seems a hilariously pacifistic concept for a ninja, when you consider another term like shadow-boxing.

Perhaps shadow-dancing is the secret of Shinobi. How embarrassing.

Staying alive in this game requires you to traverse a city in which the majority of levels take place in broad daylight, so there’s very little fear of night fever setting in; shadows weren’t even cast as extras and dancing is non-existent.

As we do have a wolf sidekick, perhaps a better suited title would’ve been The Secret Of Shinobi – Dances With Wolves, but that sounds boring as hell. When I was a kid I wanted to believe the dog’s name was Shadow, but even that didn’t make sense at the time because he’s bright white.

You play Hayate, a highly trained ninja assassin for once.

Step by step, he’ll dismantle a criminal organisation with his sword, shuriken, mystical powers, and the agility of a cat. And yet his most important instrument is the dog.

Hayate spends years mastering the ancient arts of ninjutsu, to keep his enemies in line, when all the dog has to do is bark rendering the enemy stunned with stage fright.

Your canine accomplice can pin enemies to the ground, allowing you to finish them off. So in an ironic twist, you’re not actually the main event here.

You’re just a bloke waltzing around the place while the dog does all the foot work.

Now, Hayate can throw shuriken, slash people use magic, and perform spectacular ninja manoeuvres, but let’s be honest. Nobody remembers any of that jazz, all they remember is the bloody dog.

But let’s not dance around the real issue, the bad guys should’ve brought their own pet.

Ninja Golf

Finally, a game brave enough to ask, ‘What if golf was considerably more violent?’ Ninja Golf is possibly the greatest example of a development meeting where absolutely nobody said, ‘We’re gonna do what now?’

The concept is radically simple. You’re a ninja playing golf.

But not all ninjas appreciate a second hobby and demand you stop enjoying yourself.

Instead of stealing your golf ball and being done with it, a ninja would rather steal your life.

You tee off and watch your ball disappear into the distance and proceed to leg it to the right as an onslaught of ninja, green with envy, club together with their pets to stand between you and your par.

Because apparently regular golf wasn’t stressful enough.

If you somehow survive this handicap there’s an enormous dragon waiting for you at the end. Why? I don’t know. Who cares. You are a ninja with a golf club… fore!

By reader Bad Edit

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