What’s The Best Way To Turn Down Sex With Your Partner?

Maybe you have slightly mismatched libidos, or perhaps you’re just not in the mood – whatever the reason, turning down a partner’s advances is pretty common in relationships; about half of attempts to initiate sex are unsuccessful among heterosexual couples.

But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. “Although such moments are inevitable in most sexual partnerships, they can be difficult to navigate,” suggests a new paper published in the Journal of Sex Research.

The authors added, however, that not all rejection has the same effect – and “mindful” partners seemed to dish out rejection best.

In this study, the researchers looked at four types of sexual rejection:

• Reassuring (i.e., letting your partner know you still love them and are attracted to them while spurning their advances),
• Hostile (for example, turning someone down in an intentionally hurtful or critical way),
• Assertive (direct, clear refusals with neither much reassurance nor criticism),
• Deflecting (this can involve things like pretending not to notice your partner’s advances; this style is usually passive and avoidant).

We know that reassuring your partner – i.e., by letting them know you still love them and are attracted to them – is linked to fewer negative feelings for those whose invitation to sex was declined, and a better relationship and sex life overall.

Assertive rejection also falls into the “positive” rejection camp, which seems to have no harmful effect on a couple’s happiness.

But negative rejections, like hostile and deflecting kinds, tend to lower relationship satisfaction.

In this paper, the study authors hypothesised that “mindfulness may play a key role in shaping how individuals navigate these difficult moments” of sexual rejection.

They wanted to see whether more mindful partners turned down sex differently, and whether their approach may be linked to existing evidence that suggests the trait is linked to higher relationship and sex satisfaction.

So, they ran three tests. The first involved 383 couples who were asked to rate their mindfulness in everyday life (termed “trait mindfulness”). Then, they self-reported their sexual rejection styles and sexual and relational happiness.

People with more “trait mindfulness” seemed to use fewer hostile and deflecting strategies and more assertive approaches. Researchers also found, via statistical models, that this lower level of negative communication might contribute to mindful people’s increased satisfaction in the bedroom and in their partnerships.

The second study tested “state mindfulness”, a temporary mindset rather than a personality trait. The researchers played mindful sounds for some participants but not for others, then asked them to rank how they’d turn down their partner in a hypothetical scenario.

Though the tape didn’t seem to make much of a difference to the strategies people picked, those who said they felt more mindful at the start of the study were likelier to choose reassuring styles.

And in the third test, the study authors followed 193 people who were part of a cohabiting couple over eight weeks. They completed a survey to track their trait mindfulness at the start of the research. They then reported on their levels of relationship and sex satisfaction, as well as any times they’d rejected advances, once a week.

This period revealed that mindful people were less likely to engage in negative rejection, which we know can hurt relationships.

The paper concluded: “Findings consistently showed that individuals higher in mindfulness were less likely to respond with hostility when turning down a partner’s sexual advance – a pattern that, in turn, supported greater sexual and relationship satisfaction.”