Why Are Boys Unhappy? The Toxic Subcultures And Lost Playtime Fuelling Childhood Loneliness

It’s well established that people are more stressed, anxious and lonely now than generations ago. While these problems are often examined in adults, they are also more prevalent among teens and kids.

There’s no one reason why society, and specifically kids, are struggling more in today’s world, although screens, digital culture and other modern stressors certainly don’t help. This is true for all young people; however, there are a few issues really affecting boys right now.

The “manosphere” ― which describes the many online communities that preach a culture of toxic masculinity and misogyny ― is a growing problem in society. And young boys are highly susceptible to the harms, said Carine Diverlus, a psychotherapist and founder of Pieces to Peace Psychotherapy in Toronto.

Many men who subscribe to these views believe there’s “prejudice” against men in current society. It also normalises the idea that men are “naturally dominant,” according to the Canadian Museum of Human Rights, and normalises violence toward women and girls.

For those who engage with problematic podcasts, message boards or anti-feminist videos promoting these views, those beliefs “ultimately shape a lot of their own engagements with their surrounding world, but it also creates such a harmful relationship between themselves and self,” Diverlus said.

“They’re being taught to believe that men are superior, that men deserve all these things … but at the root of these beliefs are a lot of insecurities,” she added.

There is also a lot of shame that comes with these toxic beliefs and expectations, because they push boys “to show up in a particular way. There are a lot of actual high standards that come with that, as to what it looks like for them to ‘be a man’ that is either unattainable or unrealistic or just ridiculous,” Diverlus explained.

This contributes to the difficult, heavy emotions young boys carry. Yet, there is nowhere for those emotions to go, because young boys aren’t stereotypically (and certainly not in the manosphere) given permission to feel those emotions, she said.

Boys ― and especially Black boys ― are not allowed by society to have and experience emotions, according to Diverlus. Boys who feel unable to show their emotions may shut down, retreat to their bedroom or even start to yell, she noted.

“There is an encouragement of separation between self and emotion, and the reality is that when you are separating yourself from your emotions, you are separated from self entirely,” Diverlus said. “If you aren’t allowed to be fully yourself, if you aren’t allowed to be fully in your body, and to fully experience life, it ultimately will lead to dissatisfaction, unfulfilment and this general lack of happiness.”

This is confusing for young boys, and it’s also lonely.

“It is such an isolating experience where you don’t feel a sense of safety to go to anyone to talk about what you’re going through,” Diverlus said.

There’s a striking lack of community among everyone, prompting experts to raise alarms about a loneliness epidemic. This crisis is even more heightened in kids and is causing issues for young people, including boys.

“When I was growing up, I lived in a community and felt a connection to my community, to other kids in the community. Families were more connected,” said Kenneth Barish, a clinical professor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine in New York. “We’ve become much less connected to a community and kids need communities, kids need support not just from parents and extended families, but from mentors, coaches and teachers,”

There are a number of reasons why we’re less connected now. Parents work more, and they likely work nontraditional hours thanks to our always-on culture. There’s also more stress and economic inequality in society, Barish said, which allows people less time to devote to kids.

When opportunities for relationships break down, that’s “a tremendous source of distress for kids,” Barish said. Adults in a community ― whether it be parents, coaches, aunts or uncles ― often offer encouragement to kids throughout their lives. Without that, their mental health suffers.

“They’re much likely to become discouraged, withdrawn and then at risk for all kinds of mental health problems,” Barish said.

Another area of research that suggests what’s leading to kids’ unhappiness is “less opportunity for play,” according to Barish.

“Play is actually not just fun, although fun is good, fun is healthy,” Barish said. Data shows that kids overall spend less time playing as the focus has shifted from fun and play to academic success ― even in the early grades.

“Schools have decreased the amount of play time and increased the amount of academic time, and that actually is counterproductive because kids need play for their social development,” Barish said. “Play is helpful for their social maturity and for their ability to learn social skills, to learn accommodation to others and to be creative.”

“A decrease in the amount of time that kids are allowed to play may be another contributing factor to why kids are unhappy now,” he added. “Kids who play a lot are happier.”

To help young boys (or any young child) thrive, adults can take steps.

“There’s several really important recommendations,” Barish said. “One is actually just to spend more time listening. This is what we all need, otherwise we get stuck in bad feelings.”

This can cause anxiety and discouragement to take over, he added. But if an adult talks through these emotions with a child, it can help these feelings pass and even give kids tools to work through tough feelings.

Allow them to be soft and to be open with you, Diverlus suggested. You should also share what it looks like to express emotions in a healthy way.

It’s also important to enthusiastically engage with them about their strengths and interests, according to Barish. “That’s the best way to develop our relationship, to begin conversations, and to provide kids with support,” he said.

Another way to increase their happiness and deepen relationships is by playing with your child or grandchild.

“I’m a believer in parents and grandparents playing with kids. I think that’s even better because then they get the benefit not just of play, but of playing with us, and it strengthens our relationship,” Barish explained.

Letting young boys know that you’re proud of them is also important.

“Not just for their accomplishments, not for scoring a goal or getting an ‘A,’ but for their effort and their kindness to others,” Barish noted.

Speaking of kindness, it’s also important to help foster goodness by getting involved as a family in helping others, he said. “Helping others is really good for all of us at every age, even young kids, because it gives them a different sense of what they have to offer.”

Childhood is a time of change as kids grow into adulthood. “There’s so much of a shaping of their future in the world that happens. And I’m sure there’s so many ways that … each and every one of us have interacted with young boys that maybe hasn’t been the healthiest. Maybe it’d be the pressure that we put on them … or it’s the way that we’re trying to get them to feed into being strong,” Diverlus said. “All these tropes carry so much more weight and impact than we actually realise in the moment.”

Living with toxic masculinity is harmful to everyone, not just young boys, Diverlus stressed.

“Toxic masculinity impacts and harms us all… we all end up just being so much more jaded and unhappy as a result of that,” she said.