You can call Madonna disgusting, but shooting lasers from vaginas is a revelation

‘Laser vaginas.’

A text came in from a friend yesterday that lit up my phone with the most unexpected two words, followed by a link to Madonna’s 10 minute musical film, featuring the first half dozen songs from her latest album Confessions II. 

I have never clicked on YouTube so quickly in my life. 

And there it was. Vaginas. With lasers shooting out of them. 

There are around 10 people in this video, wearing very little, posing acrobatically, with a thin green laser shooting out of each of their vulvas. I spotted some lasers coming from a bit further South too. 

It was marvelous, beautiful. Just the most unexpected art, yet somehow so wonderfully predictable from the sexually adventurous queen of pop, Madonna.

Mother has indeed returned, and she is quite literally pinpointing our desire with a beam of light. 

Despite this, some people are unable to come to terms with the visuals in her latest video, calling her ‘embarrassing and weird’ on X.

But there’s nothing wrong with laser vaginas, or the rest of the outrageously sexy short film, which includes a toilet scene, with men using urinals, Madonna herself simulating a sex act in one of the cubicles while Games of Thrones’ Gwendoline Christie looks on, then joining Benedict Cumberbatch for a dance.

Sabrina Carpenter appears, as does Kate Moss, Richard E Grant, Odessa A’Zion – and we even see a young Madonna in Julia Garner, who cosplays as her.

Only a legend like Madonna could gather such a large group of icons for her video.

Personally, I think that if you can’t handle it, then there’s something wrong with you. We should all be liberated like Madonna, at 21 or 67. 

And I only mention her age because everyone else is. Only they are making disparaging comments like ‘she should retire’, or that ‘she is too old for the sexual stuff’.

But these people don’t seem to know who Madonna is, because the woman who liberated so many people in the 80s and 90s should absolutely not tone down her message with age.

Music lovers have been awaiting a Madonna release for a long time now, and after revealing in 2024 that she has begun working on something new, we sat down, crossed our legs and held our breaths.

Not least because last album, Madame X, released in 2019, leaving a lot to be desired. It was acclaimed by many as her strangest album, with the Associated Press calling it: ‘needy, trying-too-hard mess of an album that sounds like Madonna threw up on Madonna’.

I would agree. But Madonna has never bent to criticism, and has always remained uniquely herself. That is what makes her so important, I suppose – she is beyond critique. 

And so she shouldn’t be. If she had listened to any of the angry men back in the 80’s and 90’s, (possibly the same ones now online criticising her overt sexuality) we wouldn’t have any of the masterpieces she created.In fact, she is widely recognised as one of the first female musicians to have complete control over her music career.

And maybe that’s what is making people so angry now. Let’s not beat around the laser pointing bush here, we are talking about criticism mostly coming from men.

One horrible comment under her video on X reads: ‘Everything about this deranged, mentally-ill old woman is just gross’.

This comment, and many others that were similar, feel like an attack on her confident femininity, and, by extension, any women who embrace their sexuality. 

And she doesn’t deserve it for simply pointing a laser from someone’s vulva and proceeding to straddle it.

This woman has created some of the best music that we’ve ever had. Songs such as Like A Virgin changed the way women represented their desire – the Madonna look became a massive fashion trend, as did her oozing sexuality. 

And now, at 67, Madonna is still redefining what being a woman can look like. It can be laser pointers for vaginas. 

In fact, Madonna said it is so, so it shall be. 

I personally am glad she’s back, and that she’s illuminating conversations around our bodily autonomy.

It’s the ray of light we all need. 

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

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