6 Lessons An Affair Therapist Has Learned About Cheaters

Infidelity can be hard to discuss. But given that some estimates say 75% of men and 68% of women have engaged in some form of cheating at one point or another, chances are most of us are close to a “cheater”.

And Nicholas Rose, a counsellor, author, and psychotherapist who lists “affairs and betrayals” among his specialties, may see more than most.

We spoke about what he’s learned about cheaters, who he defines as “people who have sex or intimate romantic relationships with other people/partners when there is an agreement in place that a relationship is monogamous”, in his years of practice.

Even though people committing infidelity know they’re doing it, the therapist told us their self-image might never align with their actions.

“Cheating is, by its definition, a bad thing; I’ve never yet met anyone who wanted to think of themselves as doing a bad thing and as a cheater,” he told HuffPost UK.

The counsellor added that sometimes, the negative feelings a cheater may experience after their indiscretion can actually lead them further astray.

“The shame, guilt and pressure people can feel about having cheated [or] cheating often adds to the stress that sits behind the drive to be a cheater, leading to further cheating,” he suggested.

From the outside, the person who’s been cheated on has obviously been wronged. But the cheater’s mind can make that dynamic blurry and even invert it, Rose said.

“The narrative a cheater constructs around their cheating often justifies the behaviour through a victim’s perspective,” he explained.

It’s possible to “challenge that and call it out, however, compassion can be the most effective way to understand what has happened,” the therapist added.

In general, Rose said, clear boundaries help. For instance, cheating can occur because partners have “not had the monogamy/non monogamy conversation”.

Additionally, “everyone’s relationship to ‘cheating’ is personal – for those who grew up in family systems where cheating occurred, there can be a normalisation and acceptance that means it has a different level of meaning, significance and emotion attached to it than for someone for whom cheating never occurred,” he added.

Sometimes, cheating is an inappropriate way of dealing with unmet needs, the therapist said.

“Unfortunately, for many people, when cheating occurs, the conversation stays purely on the cheating and never gets to the unmet needs and how and if they might be met going forwards.

“A cheater can sometimes resort to cheating because all attempts to try and talk about their unmet needs have failed. In these cases the offended party/ies often carry a sense of unease and sometimes guilt knowing that they have needed to avoid something in the relationship previously.”

“Often, when a cheater is found out, the guilt, shame, and fear of loss that surfaces can render the cheating partner into such an experience of fear and self-loathing that they are unable to help their partner understand what has happened,” Rose ended.

“The partner often sees this as an act of further betrayal… [but] the other is actually unable to respond.”

Couples’ counselling service Relate said it’s important to make time for yourself if you’ve been cheated on. Talk honestly with your partner, and think carefully about what you want to happen next. Speak to a therapist if needed.