6 Signs You Were Raised By Narcissistic Parents

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a condition that affects up to 5% of adults (some research suggests it may be 50-75% likelier in men than women).

Per the Mayo Clinic, its symptoms include a high self-worth, expecting constant praise an/or attention, jealousy of others and believing people envy them too, arrogance, criticism, and feelings of superiority.

But writing for Forbes, Kathy Caprino, who often writes about narcissists, said: “Most adult children of narcissists never get the help they need to recover and heal, because they have no idea that what they’ve experienced as children is unhealthy and destructive”.

So how can you tell if you’ve been raised by narcissistic parents?

Here, Steven Buchwald, a therapist from Manhattan Mental Health Clinic, shared six potential signs:

People who grew up with a narcissistic parent may have had their achievements ignored, minimised, overshadowed, and even mocked as a child, said Buchwald.

Fear that this may happen again could extend into adult milestones, like buying a house, getting a promotion, or becoming engaged.

“A child of a narcissistic parent often feels their success serves as a threat to someone’s self-importance. As a result, happiness in adulthood can lead a person to feel unsafe,” the therapist told us.

“Before sharing positive news, ask yourself if you’re more apprehensive about their reaction than you are about your success. If the answer is ‘yes’, initially celebrate with those that are supportive. This bides time for your nervous system to experience joy before it must navigate forms of negativity.”

Whether you’re planning a wedding or trying to get a surprise birthday party together, children of narcissistic parents may feel they have to anticipate the actions of their mum and/or dad.

They could dread inviting them in the first place, feeling they have to walk a tightrope, Buchwald explained.

“Narcissistic parents may use the event to attention seek, play victim or create an atmosphere,” he added. “When planning your event, list the moments that mean the most to you. This can be walking down the aisle, the music played at your baby shower, or birthday decorations.

“Write down how you would like these aspects of the day to play out. If this sparks feelings of anxiety about others’ behaviour, build a plan of action. This may be assigning trusted friends as ‘buffers’ to redirect conversations and gently intervene in conflict or arranging parts of the day away from certain people.”

The therapist added that children of narcissistic parents may have been subjected to sudden mood swings when they were young.

As a result, he said, they might have become experts in reading “micro-expressions” and minute changes in atmosphere.

However, this hypersensitivity isn’t always accurate in adulthood, he continued. Ask yourself whether there’s any actual evidence that your suspicions about others’ moods are true: if there isn’t, consider taking a more optimistic view.

Going on holiday, taking time off from a demanding job, or even having a cup of coffee to yourself might feel like “cheating” to children of narcissistic parents, who may have grown up believing their job was to look after everyone else’s needs.

If that sounds like you, Buchwald suggested, try journalling; write down statements like, “‘I’m not selfish as I have previously (insert examples of you helping others)’, ‘I deserve to go on holiday as I (insert reasoning).’”

Sometimes, the therapist said, narcissistic parents can make their child feel guilty for building friendships or relationships outside of the family unit – partly because those with NPD may see healthy independence as rejection.

Adults who grew up in these conditions might struggle to post pictures with their mates online or tell their parents about group trips.

“Remember, someone voicing their disappointment doesn’t mean that you have done something wrong”, says Buchwald.

“Ask yourself whether your actions are harmful, or if someone is actually irritated as they weren’t the main focus.”

“Those who were raised in a narcissistic home often enter adulthood with a reflex to justify any choices they make,” partly because they were judged so often as kids, the therapist ended.

“For one week, pay close attention to how often you explain or justify your decision-making, even when unnecessary. Take a beat and ask yourself if you’re sharing the info out of choice or because you’re apprehensive that your decision will be judged.

“If the decision is the latter, challenge yourself to stop one sentence shorter than you normally would. It may initially feel uncomfortable, but after a short time become the norm.”