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A Guide To Postpartum Sex And The Best Sex Toys For New Parents
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You might be thinking: I’ve just had a f*cking baby, sex is the last thing I want to be thinking about right now. Or you could be thinking the opposite.
Either way, your path back to having sex after birth is completely your own. There’s no right or wrong way to do it.
But if you have questions, we’ve asked sex and relationships therapist Georgina Vass everything you need to know about starting to have sex again as new parents.
How soon is too soon?
While the NHS has little to no guidance on how long to wait until you can have sex after birth, around four to six weeks is a good benchmark.w
“Guidance varies, but for most births six weeks tends to be the recommendation of when one can medically return to penetrative sexual activity,” she says. “However, having the desire or feeling physically or emotionally ready to resume sexual activity may take much longer than six weeks.”
Research by Lovehoney last year found that 83% of women experience changes in their sexual function postpartum, including pain, libido drops, and body image concerns.
How will sex change after birth?
Naturally, these changes – not to mention the stress and fatigue of being responsible for a new life – can cause new parents to have less frequent sex.
“It usually requires more planning compared with before becoming parents,” Vass explains.
“Not only do some couples need to identify a time when they can both be available, but the logistics and changes in physical space may disrupt or diminish their capacity for private time.”
Intimacy is likely to look different when your little one arrives, which can take time to adjust to.
“Another common challenge is grappling with the shift in identity from parents/providers during the day to romantic partners in the bedroom, and this can take time to adjust to,” adds Vass.
How to explore sex again as new parents
However, intimacy doesn’t necessarily have to mean penetrative sex, or even sexual touching.
“Open communication about your desires, compassion for yourself and your partner, and prioritising time together as a couple are all important,” Vass advises.
“Invest in your relationship with your partner, whether that’s through arranging pressure relieving childcare, enjoying time as a couple on date nights or embracing forms of non-sexual intimacy like cuddling on the couch uninterrupted for an hour.”
When you’re ready to explore sex again, foreplay will be your best friend, says Vass.
“Once things become physical, enjoy generous foreplay or outercourse to re-familiarise yourselves with your bodies, gain comfort, and increase arousal,” she says.
“Moving slowly whether through prolonged foreplay or shallow and gentle penetration may be helpful to avoid discomfort. Using water-based lubrication may help with dryness, which can be common for new mothers.”
While it might take time for your sex life to feel normal again, remember: change is normal. “Becoming a parent has an impact on your body, and things may feel or look different to how they did before, but this time in your life is temporary and things are likely to change over time,” says Vass.
“Take the opportunity to discuss any concerns or questions with your medical provider, they may have useful information or helpful resources.”
Can I use sex toys after birth?
Just as intimacy with a partner will feel different, mothers could experience a changing relationship with their body. Masturbating or using a sex toy could help to reconnect.
“Sex toys can be used to reconnect with your body on your terms and explore new sensations,” says Vass.
“High-quality clean toys may work well for new mothers. Read reviews, check the materials of the toys, clean them thoroughly before use, go slowly and enjoy!”
Best sex toys for new parents to shop
If you’re thinking about exploring sex for the first time after birth, here are some of the best sex toys, lubes, salves, and toys to try.
Designed in collab with Mumsnet, this soft bullet vibrator is created specifically to be soft on new mums. As well as being coated in silky silicone, it comes with a gentle three vibration speeds and two patterns so it’s just the right intensity for postpartum sensitivity. Just as the name suggests, it’s whisper quiet, so you won’t disturb your little one. Plus, that tapered end means you can choose between more pinpoint stimulation or something broader, depending on what you’re ready for.
If there’s one thing Denmark does really well it’s sex – seriously, they’re one of the only countries where Gen Z is still having sex – so trust Danish sex brand Sitre to make water-based lube that’s skincare-grade. It’s not only pH-balanced, making it perfect for sensitive skin, but it’s blended with aloe vera to hydrate down there, too. Plus, water-based lube is compatible with sex toys.
Any time I have even minor discomfort on my vulva, I use this salve. It smells mighty herbal and leaves any itching, burning, or dryness feeling replenished in seconds, making it ideal to use after or before sex.
Things are likely to be a little numb down there for a while, but if you want to improve your pelvic floor muscles while also getting a little buzz down there, this trainer will whip you into shape in no time. It doesn’t require an app (because no one has time for that) but instead has eight training modes to work your way up through and sends a vibration out when you engage properly.
Can’t decide whether you want an external or internal toy? Don’t worry, this vibe from Dame can do it all, as that curved end is just as suitable for playing with your external erogenous zones as it is rubbing against your G-spot. Should you be after something that you can work towards, this is an ideal toy as you can get used to the intensity externally before delving in when you’re ready.
After a literal new human enters your life, it can be hard to find time to connect as a couple. To make a little game of it, Luxus has created a sex toy powered by the same technology as car sensors. Slip the ring over his thing-a-ling, and place the vibe over her clit (you can hold it in place with the finger grip, stickers, or harness) and it’ll vibrate more intensely the closer you move together. Or, change settings so it vibrates simply when it hears you clapping – I’ll leave you to figure that one out for yourself.
If you’re not ready for penetration, an external vibrator could pose a less threatening feat. This one from sexologist and engineer-founded brand Dame slots around your clit, with those little wings reaching around your labia for hands-free stimulation. With just three speeds, it’s not too powerful, and it’ll also make a great solo tool for when you next get some alone time…
Intimacy doesn’t have to involve direct genital stimulation, so if you’re looking for a low-pressure way to delve back in, a wand vibrator could introduce something new into your dynamic. Originally intended to be used as as neck massager (throwback to that iconic Sex and the City episode) their vibrations can be used all over the body, and this rechargeable one has a bendy neck and is completely cordless, so you can get into even the tightest of spots.
Whether you’re having penetrative sex or not, there’s no excuse like growing a human in your body to convince your partner to give you a full-body massage. These candles from Maude smell divine, and once lit they melt into a delightful body oil that can turn your regular night time routine into a bit of fun (and, hopefully, relaxation).
While this toy looks like it’d only be suitable for internal play, it’s time to use your imagination! Just like the Whisperer, this seven inch vibe won’t alert everyone in the surrounding area to your antics. Plus, its ribbed edges can be used to venture into penetration for the first time, or run across the outside of your vulva for added texture.
Don’t count out mutual masturbation – it can be a fun way to explore your body again while reigniting intimacy with your partner. This vibrating grinding pad will give them a real show, without the need for penetration, and you can even hand over the remote control for them to get in on the action, if you’re feeling generous.
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