How To Respond To Kids Who Complain And Whine All The Time

There comes a point in every parent’s life when their sprogs discover the art of whining – and boy, can it grate.

While the odd whine is fine (who doesn’t need a good moan now and then?), when whining becomes the default, or children seem to constantly complain, it can be exhausting – especially when you’re trying to work, look after them, juggle endless amounts of life admin (yours and theirs), and everything else in between.

Such is the case for one parent of two young girls aged six and nine, who shared that their children’s complaints are “constant” – and it’s starting to really get to them.

“I reached the point that when I am working alone from home and I hear the main door opening (meaning they are back) I pre-stress and I start to have palpitations,” said the parent on Reddit’s r/Parenting forum. “It should not be like this.”

Abigail Finnegan, a psychotherapist and member of Counselling Directory, said: “For many of us who have worked in the field of child development we know only too well that if a child feels that they can’t get the attention they need through being delightful, they will instead resort to less ‘delightful’ ways to be noticed – because, after all, any attention is better than no attention at all!”

Plenty of parents are increasingly stretched to capacity (a survey from this year found nine in 10 mums have experienced burnout) and unless you’ve got a village nearby, or have a lot of money to throw at childcare, you’re very much on your own.

Add this to the fact we’re increasingly living in fast-paced environments where, as Finnegan says, parents have to meet the competing demands of employers, schools, other children, ageing parents and then kids are coming home from school “past the point of exhaustion”.

Mix it all up and you’ve got a recipe for whiny behaviour.

When we’re stressed and bustling about like headless chickens (which I’ll be the first to admit is my default setting) it’s easy to forget that underneath all that whining and complaining is a need to communicate something.

Psychotherapist Pei-I Yang, also a Counselling Directory member, said: “Children often don’t have the words to say ‘I feel overwhelmed’ or ‘nobody’s really listening to me’, so it can leak out as moaning instead.

“The whining isn’t the problem. It’s a communication for parents from their children telling them that something underneath needs attention.”

When your kid whines, your instinct is probably to say something along the lines of: “stop complaining”, “try to be more positive” or “some kids would love what you’ve got”.

However Yang highlights that more often than not, this can leave children feeling “brushed off”. And a child who feels brushed off “tends to complain more, not less”. Eek.

If whining is your child’s way of communicating something, therapists suggest the best way to nip it in the bud is to get to the bottom of why they’re whining. Or at least try to.

“It’s important to verbally acknowledge to both yourself and your child that there is obviously something making them unhappy – otherwise they wouldn’t be whining!” said Finnegan. “The questions is: what to do about it?”

Her advice for parents is to slow down and check no one is hungry or thirsty. (“Healthy snacks in a bag can make a huge difference to mood at the end of a long day,” she added.)

“As hard as it can be when you’re tired as a parent, maybe ask yourself when the last time was that you were able to slow down enough to play or talk with your child without distractions?” added the therapist. “Is it possible to create some time, on a regular basis, just to be with your child?”

If they get plenty of time with you but still complain a lot, sometimes it can help to simply validate their emotions. Yang noted that even a simple “that does sound annoying” can take the heat out of the moment, because they feel heard.

If your teenager has taken to complaining a lot of late, instead of trying to fix or lecture, Yang encourages parents to be curious. You could ask something along the lines of: “You’ve seemed really fed up lately, what’s going on?”

“Often the small complaints are hiding something bigger, and it’s the space to talk, without you rushing to solve it, that helps them open up,” she explained.

“Whatever their age, it comes down to the same thing: connection and being curious before correction. A child who feels genuinely heard rarely needs to complain to be noticed.”