How To Respond When Kids Say They Hate You

Hearing your child shout “I hate you” can be excruciating. I know, I’ve been there. Usually they’re in complete emotional turmoil – logic has officially left the building, as rage, frustration or disappointment takes control.

It’s hard not to take it personally, but usually when they are using this kind of language, it doesn’t actually mean they hate you. They are simply struggling to express their feelings or needs.

Psychotherapist Alison Roy suggests the phrase can mean “many things” – but mainly that there are “strong feelings around” which is actually a “healthy” sign. In this moment, they are “throwing something difficult to their parent/s to catch” (and you are their safe space, so they trust you can handle it).

The therapist urges parents to try not to take these statements literally or personally.

She suggests hate could mean “I feel out of control” or “you get to make all the decisions and I hate feeling powerless” or “I wish I didn’t have to feel so uncomfortable”.

Some young people might also be finding it hard to love themselves and their own self-loathing or frustrations are then projected onto their parents. “It’s important to take time to understand what’s behind an outburst,” she adds.

“As psychotherapists we use the term projections to describe feelings which can’t be managed or contained and therefore get given to someone else – usually someone the young person feels can take it.”

Brieanne Doyle, a BACP therapist and founder of Dwell Therapy, notes that this strong language is a way for children to “get our attention and to express their feelings/needs”.

“Behind the ‘I hate you,’ is a child who is scared, frustrated, angry,” she explains, “and they need help navigating these feelings and learning how to express them appropriately.”

It can be tempting to argue back (“how dare you!”) or immediately punish them (“no more iPad!”), but experts suggest parents should take the opportunity to quickly connect with themselves instead.

“What are you feeling right now? Annoyed, angry, sad? All very normal emotions, but right now, you cannot attend to yourself – so, notice the feeling and tell yourself you’ll come back to that later,” says Doyle.

Dr Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and founder of Good Inside, said sometimes the best response is to say or do nothing after your child says they hate you. “When we do nothing … it just sits between us. My kid has a much higher chance of re-owning what they said because I’m just sturdy in that moment,” she explained on The Huberman Lab podcast.

If your child is younger, you can get down to their level and calmly acknowledge their feelings. Doyle suggests you could say something like: “I can see you’re really frustrated right now. How can we help you calm down?”

She explains: “We are first trying to connect with the child – they are upset and it is the adult’s job to create a space of containment for their very big emotions.”

Sometimes the offer of a cuddle helps these big moments blow over. Other times they might just need a bit of space, or for you to silently sit nearby until they’ve calmed a bit. If they keep saying they hate you, you can tell them you’re leaving the room and will come back to speak to them shortly.

Once they’re calm, you can explore where the feelings came from. “Where possible, try to find out what is behind the words – what feelings are being expressed and has something happened which has left your young person with big feelings they can’t deal with,” says Roy.

“Sometimes taking time and acknowledging the big feelings but not absorbing everything or taking them personally can shift things.”

Now you can offer the correction. Doyle suggests you could say something like: “You were really upset and you said something very hurtful. In this house we don’t use words to hurt each other. When you are ready I’d appreciate an apology for what you said, which really hurt my feelings.”

You can also set some “ground rules” together, says Roy, for sharing feelings and managing expectations in the future. For example, you could say: “I get that you were disappointed but I know there’s another way you can say that to me.” This way you’re validating their feelings but also setting a boundary.

“It’s important for them to know that you can manage these big feelings and they will be watching you to see how you manage them and what you are modelling for them,” she adds.

Lastly, as being told “I hate you” can be painful, don’t forget to check in with yourself later on, says Doyle, revisiting how you felt when your child said it and considering what you need to offer yourself: “A kind word, a reminder that you are a good enough parent, a quiet moment to yourself, sharing this with your parenting partner or a trusted friend, perhaps even with your own parent?”

She ends: “This ensures that you do not store up all the feelings associated with the phrase and then explode at your child some day when you cannot take any more.”