I Lost Five Close Family Members In Five Years, This Is How I Rediscovered Hope

Since 2020, I have lost every prominent male figure in my family. My stepdad, uncle, granddad, my partner’s dad and finally, my lovely boy cat. I was very close to all of them and losing them completely undid me, to say the least.

Then, last year, I lost my pregnancy at nine weeks. It was rock bottom for me. I couldn’t convince myself to try and find hope anywhere despite it formerly being my default because it seemed I was just doomed to be heartbroken forever.

My grief is strange and like nothing I could have predicted. While I have had waves of dramatic, dark emotions, I mostly just gave up. It felt like every time I was close to something that felt like recovery, I was hit with another wave of bad news.

The current state of the world doesn’t help with this melancholy. Why would it? It feels like everything is terrible and getting worse at every turn. It’s an enduring global grief and weighs heavily on us.

Truly, how do you even begin to build resilience and hope in these circumstances?

While I have felt like my world was falling apart, we have had magic in the corners of our life. My partner and I are now auntie and uncle to four children and this summer, we went to visit them for a week in their hometown.

While we have spent time with them before, these extended long days experiencing the world through their eyes made me appreciate them and their perspective so much more. Their world is so much smaller than mine, their problems are nothing like mine is and the things that bring them joy are things I have taken for granted for as long as I can remember.

As we wandered around Hertfordshire Zoo, I watched them take in the dinosaur park in awe. They squealed when the animatronics moved, clapped when the ‘dinosaurs’ roared and were enchanted by the small train inside the park that took us on a tour of dinosaurs.

Our youngest niece is six months old and her favourite thing to do is gurgle with glee as we make funny sounds, dance toys in front of her bright eyes and stare lovingly at her relatives. She is so small, so new to the world but she gets to enjoy small pleasures in a way that adults could never replicate.

Our two year old niece finds herself absolutely hilarious. There is nothing or nobody that can make her laugh as much as herself. If you find her funny, though, her whole face lights up. Seeing adults smiling and laughing alongside her brings her pleasure beyond measure. Something many of us do every day without thinking can completely make her day.

The older niece and nephew find joy and comfort in watching their siblings grow. They are protective and thoughtful, ensuring that hands are held, fruit is consumed and hugs are limitless. They are only nine and six but their big, loving hearts are creating the safety and security that young children need to express themselves.

This is their whole world and really, it’s ours too. Looking after one another and finding joy where we can is almost all that matters.

I thought I had lost the people that taught me these things but really, we never stop learning and re-learning that all we have is each other, and that in itself is gorgeous.

As the late Frightened Rabbit singer Scott Hutchison said: “When it’s all gone, something carries on.”

I am so thankful for that.