‘I Love My Five-Year-Old, But Lately I Don’t Like Him’

You love your kid, but sometimes they can do things that are very annoying and, well, downright mean – and while you still love them, boy can you dislike them at points.

If this sounds familiar, you’re certainly not alone. One parent recently shared on Reddit that since turning five, their son has become “intolerable”.

“Everything is a battle or a meltdown,” they said. “He says hurtful things when he’s upset – that he hates me, hates everyone, hates our house.

“He takes 45 minutes to get dressed in the morning, and any time I pop into his room to give him a gentle nudge he yells at me.”

The exhausted parent noted they’d tried everything from gentle parenting to disciplining by taking toys and play dates away, but “nothing seems to stick” – and it’s got to the point where this behaviour is “chipping away” at their mental health.

“I spent the whole past weekend crying in my room while my husband parented because I just don’t have it in me,” they continued.

“I love my kid, but lately I just don’t ‘like’ him – at all.”

Therapist and BACP member Kate Bufton said these phases can be “gruelling” for all involved.

“Parenting little kids can be really hard, and little children being ungrateful, uncooperative and rude will understandably pull a parent to operate from a far more emotional state,” she said.

“At these times it’s easy to be pulled into a spiral of ‘my child is a nightmare/I’ve failed as a parent’ which can cause a parent to fall on strategies that perhaps they experienced as children – yelling, harsh discipline or maybe extreme permissiveness.

“I’d caution against making any parenting decisions when you’ve had a nightmare morning and you’re still feeling agitated.”

The therapist advises taking the time to reflect on “what it is in particular that provokes a strong emotional response in you, and what you find yourself being automatically pulled to do as a result”.

“Recognising the patterns can help someone notice when they’re pulled to act impulsively and they can take a breath, leave the room – whatever’s needed,” she added.

Once the storm has passed, and things are a lot calmer, Bufton advises thinking about what your child might be communicating to you via their behaviour.

“There’s a lot going on for five-year-olds at the moment,” she explained. “They’re still getting to grips with starting school, it’s cold plus it’s been raining for two months.

“All this grim weather means that lots of sensory input (such as time outdoors, in nature) that would help regulate their bodies may not be happening.

“Not to mention the often constant illness and general exhaustion… and as children can struggle to make sense of these types of experiences, it instead is communicated in their behaviour.”

She noted that with neurodivergent children, this type of behaviour may be even more enduring – and additional support may be required.

“It’s an unrealistic expectation that you must think your child is awesome at all times,” the therapist continued.

“Relationships are complicated and it’s okay to fiercely love your child whilst acknowledging they are being very hard work! Two things can coexist simultaneously.”

First up, plan for pushback. If a task that might have taken 15 minutes (ie. getting ready for school) now takes 45, allow yourself that extra time.

“This isn’t failure, it’s just what may be needed at this particular time in your child’s life,” Bufton said. “This gives yourself time to hold the boundaries (‘no, you cannot have ice cream for breakfast’), which will help with staying calm.”

Obviously it’s also important to think about what you need to fight the overwhelm and stay regulated during these tricky times.

“Perhaps this isn’t the month for big family outings, but tag-teaming parenting instead so the parents get time for a break,” she noted. If you don’t have another parent to lean on, can a friend or relative step in to give you some respite?

When times are calmer, the therapist also advised working proactively on teaching your child to tolerate frustration with difficult tasks.

If a child struggles with dressing for school, for example, she recommended playing a game at the weekend where you time yourself with a stopwatch or think together on ways it could be more fun.

Fellow parents also shared their two cents in response to the Reddit post. “My family therapist recently suggested that instead of ‘taking things away’ as discipline, we have them earn their privileges,” said one respondent.

“So if my son doesn’t do his chores or is disrespectful, then he doesn’t EARN his privileges (eg: tv, tablet, etc) for the NEXT day.”

Another noted sometimes it can be helpful to sit a child down and tell them how you feel: “I’m not saying unload on them or anything but like, ‘[Kid’s name] you’re being mean and rude to me. If you won’t be kind/nice/civil towards me I’d rather you just keep your words to yourself. I haven’t done anything that warrants this sort of attitude from you’.”