In Dating, Here’s How To Tell If Your Standards Are Too High

Having standards when dating is important. But sometimes we get so caught up in the pursuit of the perfect partner that we let those standards get in the way of meeting quality people.

When you’re swiping through a dating app and find yourself rejecting person after person, it’s worth asking: Are your standards too high?

“With dating apps, it is easy to dismiss someone in seconds with a swipe,” Bonnie Winston, celebrity matchmaker and relationship expert, told HuffPost. “You are looking at a human being, but we get used to not realising it is an actual soul, a living and breathing person.”

It happens to the best of us; no one wants to risk another failed relationship. And with the right mindset, standards can actually help you weed out the wrong potential partners.

But what kind of high standards are actually self-sabotaging, and which ones are worth keeping? Here’s what dating experts want you to know.

From physical traits to lifestyle preferences, dating experts have heard just about every standard one could set.

Winston has had clients arrive at her sessions with exhaustive checklists resembling a child’s Christmas list. Once, she had a male client who refused to go on a second date with a beautiful, highly educated woman who shared his values and hobbies. His reason? She was 5-foot-1, and he wanted his future children to have a shot at playing basketball.

For Emma Hathorn, dating expert at Seeking.com, the standards themselves aren’t the problem. It’s when people associate their specific standards with perfection and refuse to engage with people who are otherwise really compatible that it becomes an issue.

“I actually push back on the idea of having standards that are ‘too high’ entirely,” she told HuffPost. “Most of the standards people criticise, such as wanting emotional maturity, ambition, or financial stability, are not unrealistic. They are signals of compatibility and shared values.”

“Standards are healthiest when they reflect self-respect,” Hathorn said. For example, ask yourself whether a person shares your values or wants similar things in life. Those core values are key to a long-lasting relationship.

Lifestyle standards, such as being “outdoorsy,” an adventurous eater or preferring city life over the suburbs, can also be healthy because they often reflect how someone wants to live day to day, Hathorn adds. Relationships are built around everyday habits, and these factors usually point to compatibility in routines.

Then there’s emotional effort, which includes communication, maturity, and how one can invest in the relationship.

“A lot of people focus on surface traits like looks, but one of the most important predictors of a healthy relationship is how much effort someone puts into showing up consistently,” said Hathorn. “Those qualities determine whether a connection actually grows over time.”

Aside from shrinking the dating pool, some high standards can become a form of avoidance, Hathorn said: “A standard should help you identify alignment, not disqualify someone who might otherwise be a great partner.”

“The difference between someone with high standards and someone who is emotionally unavailable is willingness,” Hathorn continued. “High-standard daters are ready to build something meaningful with the right person. An emotionally unavailable person might actively avoid the right person.”

Sometimes high standards have nothing to do with finding the right person. “People set rigid criteria because they’re trying to avoid vulnerability,” Hathorn said. “In those cases, the standard isn’t about finding the right person; it’s about protecting themselves from risk.”

So how do you know if your standards are working for you or against you? Hathorn suggests asking yourself this question: Do your standards represent a value or an image? “Wanting a partner who is emotionally mature, financially responsible, or ambitious reflects values,” she explained. “Wanting someone who fits a very specific aesthetic or status symbol is usually about image, and not always something someone can change.”

Also, remind yourself to think realistically about what you want out of a match. “Some people come to me wanting a 10 in looks, a 10 in intelligence, a 10 in professional success, and a 10 in personality,” Winston said. “That is just not possible, and no one can embody that.”

When meeting someone new, ask yourself if your hesitations are based on values or fear.

“When it’s genuinely not a match, the disconnect usually shows up in core areas like goals, lifestyle, communication style, or emotional availability,” Hathorn explained. “When it’s self-sabotage, people often walk away because things feel unfamiliar, vulnerable, or ‘too good to be true.’”

And when in doubt, remember that standards should serve as guidelines, not gospel. Take another one of Winston’s clients, who she said narrowed her original list of standards to three important ones, only to end up marrying her first match. The kicker? “He didn’t have anything on the list!”