Low Contact Family Relationships, Explained

You’ve probably heard that family estrangement, particularly between adult children and their parents, is on the rise (though not everyone agrees that this is a strictly modern phenomenon).

In these cases, people often choose to go “no-contact”, meaning they don’t communicate with the estranged family member at all.

But a perhaps uncountable number of adults are choosing “low-contact”, a kind of “gentler” estrangement, to help manage family schisms too.

Per ABC News, going low contact “refers to maintaining limited or controlled communication with family members”.

In a Reddit post shared to r/raisedbynarcissists, for instance, commenters said that they use tools like “grey rocking” and giving their family members an “information diet” (i.e., not telling them information they think they won’t react well to) to set some boundaries.

Others started slowly phasing out their family members’ phone calls and cut down on visits significantly.

“My sister [has gone] low contact with our dad. She does three visits a year… The fewer times she comes, the higher the likelihood that two-thirds of the time will be reasonable. She also doesn’t do phone calls,” one Redditor wrote.

The actual terms depend on the person, but the general point – reducing contact with family members, and/or being less present, open, and vulnerable when there – seems consistent.

Speaking to ABC News, Catriona Davis-McCabe, President of the Australian Psychological Society, said: “Sometimes it’s used when people are trying to establish clear boundaries between them and their family, or potentially, they could be trying to protect themselves from harm that they perceive is happening because of their family”.

And licenced clinical social worker Edie Stark wrote that it often comes from years of repeated, and failed, attempts to “repair, tolerate, or minimise hurtful dynamics”.

Often, the person going no-contact feels there is no way for their boundaries to be respected by the family member, she added.

Perhaps they feel they undermine their parenting decisions, show up without warning or invitation, pressure or guilt-trip you into doing things you don’t want to do, or make passive-aggressive comments.

Emotional abuse, substance abuse, violence, a lack of safety, and mismatched values can also come into play.

It is rare, Dr Davis-Mcabe said, for the decision to be taken lightly: “It often involves weighing up the benefits of self-protection against the costs of severing ties, and it takes a considerable amount of reflection.”

Speaking to HuffPost UK previously, Dorcy Pruter, the founder of the Conscious Co-Parenting Institute, said that before full-on estrangement, “There are often early signs of withdrawal, short or transactional conversations, and emotional distance, but many parents miss them because they interpret that distance as rudeness or ingratitude, rather than disconnection”.

It is key, at this point, to reflect before acting in defence, she added.

Consider trying to “heal [your] own wounds, take radical responsibility, and become safe for their child again, even if that child never returns.

“I often tell my clients that reconnection isn’t about changing your child’s mind. It’s about transforming your own heart.”