Positive Parenting: I Tried It With My Two Young Kids

When you’re about to ask your child to get their uniform on for the 60th time in the space of 30 minutes, patience can begin to wear thin.

Each morning in my home there would be battles over getting dressed, brushing hair, cleaning teeth, putting shoes on. It would be a different issue that would trigger huge emotions each time. Meltdowns would occur over the seemingly smallest thing.

I’d be stressed, my kids would be stressed – our emotions would play ping pong, reaching crescendo until one of us finally exploded.

8am would come and go, still not dressed. 8.15am passed and teeth still weren’t cleaned (not for lack of trying, mind you!). 8.20am hurtled past and hair wasn’t brushed or tied back, despite several attempts to do so. Cue, my cries of despair:

“Why aren’t you dressed yet?”

“Can we please stop getting distracted?!?!”

“Shoes on now! We’re going to be late!”

Cortisol levels would be flooding through my body – and theirs. I’d be walking on eggshells because I knew one of my kids was just milliseconds away from having a tantrum over having to wear socks.

8.30am. 8.45am. We were late. Again. Now I was late for work, too.

I knew it wasn’t sustainable, I just didn’t know how to shift out of these morning spirals. I tried sticker charts, visual ‘getting dressed’ charts, timers. Then I read about positive parenting – and I thought, at this point, why not?

I’ve always tried to look on the bright side, but since becoming a parent and feeling the ginormous weight of responsibility – needing to earn enough; keep them safe; make sure they’re fed, happy and healthy; the list goes on – while also watching my own needs fall by the wayside, I’d be lying if I said I haven’t felt negativity seep in. And that includes my parenting.

Positive parenting is about being mindful of this negativity and trying to keep a lid on it. Per NCT, it’s about focusing on your child’s strengths rather than trying to correct weaknesses: “You recognise, reward and reinforce positive behaviours and impulses. You aim to show empathy and offer warmth and support.”

As the BBC explains, the philosophy “encourages parents to ‘catch their children being good’ and give more positive than negative feedback, instead of focusing on bad behaviour”.

I’d already learned that kids’ cortisol levels naturally peak around 30-45 minutes after waking, which often results in tears, throwing things and storming off in our household.

So, in addition to giving everyone a full hour to get ready in the morning (so there’s less pressuring and rushing on my part, and we’ve factored in time for any big emotions to evacuate the body), I’ve also adopted the personality of what can only be described as a hyperactive (slightly delirious) cheerleader:

“Wow, look how quickly you got your knickers on. Let’s do that again, but with our socks!”

“Let’s keep the momentum going and brush those teeth!”

“Oh my goodness, you tried so hard to get yourself dressed today! I love what you’ve chosen.”

“If we brush our hair in the next five minutes, we’ll have time to ride the bike to school.”

“You were really kind then helping your sister get her shoes on!”

“You’re making so many good choices today!”

It’s not a foolproof method, but I’ve noticed the meltdowns around getting ready are fewer, to the point where we can actually get out of the door on time. Building in extra time for connection – whether that’s sitting and having a chat over breakfast or reading a few pages of a book – also seems to have helped.

Don’t get me wrong, on some mornings no amount of positive spiel can keep the angries at bay (usually towards the end of the week when tiredness has crept in), and on the days when we’re running especially late it can be hard to muster the extra upbeat calls to action and responses.

But for now, at least, it appears to be helping get two under-fives calmly out of the door most mornings. And long may it continue…