Stop Rewarding Drama: Why Being ‘Polite But Uninvested’ Is The New Way To Handle Toxic People

Therapist comment provided by BACP-certified therapists Matt Wotton and Clare Patterson.

You might already be familiar with “grey rocking,” or responding to a narcissistic or high-conflict person with a wall of boring, impersonal responses that provide a sort of armour.

But recently, I read about “yellow rocking,” a more polite version of the practice. Some say it can also help those handling inconsiderate and high-conflict people; others even recommend it in acrimonious custody cases.

So, we spoke to therapists Matt Wotton and Clare Patterson about the benefits of “yellow rocking” and how to use it.

It involves responding cordially, but not in an emotionally invested way, to someone who typically upsets you.

You can speak to them lightheartedly, without sharing any information you want to share or getting trapped in lines of thought or discussion you don’t want to.

The therapists said it’s about boundaries. Some techniques like CBT help people to “notice triggers, regulate their reactions, and respond deliberately rather than reactively”, like “yellow rocking,” said Wotton.

“The BIFF method used in divorce mediation – brief, informative, friendly and firm – follows the same principle. Keep responses short, factual and calm.”

Staying present and remembering you’re in control of the conversation is key.

“Yellow rocking basically repackages existing therapeutic ideas that have been around for decades – it’s broadly sensible stuff,” said Wotton.

“Both grey and yellow rocking are built on the idea that behaviour fades when it stops being rewarded.”

He added that while going no-contact is often the best solution, “yellow-rocking” can help in scenarios, like co-parenting, that make that impossible.

Patterson said, “I think when we feel confident and have good boundaries in ourselves, ‘yellow rocking’ comes naturally. It’s a place where the so-called ’narcissist’s behaviour simply cannot affect us in the same way it might if we experienced self-doubt or insecurity.

“By ‘not affect’, of course I don’t mean we won’t feel hurt, irritated or saddened by the behaviour at times. But when we no longer take it personally, we can respond with humour and lightness, rather than a place of defensiveness or an attempt to change or fix them.”

She ended, “Essentially, it’s about bringing power back to ourselves. It can be easy to want to fix the world ‘out there’ to feel safe and content, but perhaps in starting with feeling safe and content within ourselves, we may be surprised at what our external reality starts to reflect back.”