Supernanny Jo Frost Warns Parents ‘Slowly Disabling’ Their Kids

In a video shared to Facebook on Monday, Jo Frost (best known as the parenting expert and face behind the reality show Supernanny and Nanny on Tour) offered a bit of tough love to parents based on her concerns about what she’s seeing more and more with clients.

Her worry? The (unintentional) ways that parents might be keeping their kids from cultivating independence.

“I’m going to say something that might make you uncomfortable, so sit tight: We are slowly disabling our children, and I don’t say that lightly. I say that because I work with families continuously every day and I’m seeing a pattern that’s growing: children who are capable but not being taught,” she said.

Frost began to list out the symptoms of what she’s seeing via “life skills” that she believes have fallen off for many families: Children not moving and learning coordination in age-appropriate ways (via extended use of strollers or push-bikes), use of dummies well into the toddler years, kids in school who can’t brush their teeth, use a knife or fork or master how to use the bathroom, wipe and wash their hands effectively.

While Frost said she understands the pressures of modern parenting and how busy life can be for parents navigating work, life and children every day, she insists that teaching these skills to kids “isn’t about time, it’s about intention”.

She warns that every time a parent opts to kick the can down the road on these skills (because it would be time-consuming or messy or labour-intensive), she worries how that sets kids up for more of a struggle as they grow.

“In our desire to help, protect and make life easier, we can sometimes unintentionally rob our children of the opportunity to learn the very skills that build confidence, resilience and independence,” Frost wrote in the post accompanying her video. “We keep them infantile.”

“Whether it’s riding a bike and pushing down on those pedals, brushing their teeth, tying their shoes, wiping their own bottom, using a knife and fork properly, washing their own hair and brushing it, cleaning up their stuff or simply helping around the home in general, life skills aren’t optional extras, they are essential building blocks for adulthood,” she continued.

Among the most passionate respondents to the video were educators, who cited seeing similar struggles to the ones Frost describes.

One teacher warned that small things like being unable to tie their shoelaces by age 10 or 11 are “just the tip of the iceberg”.

Others warned that while these skills (from nascent emotional regulation to bathroom hygiene) were once considered a prerequisite for schooling, the situation in classrooms has changed significantly.

“Teachers are supposed to build on a foundation, not be responsible for laying the entire thing,” one user wrote.

There were even some parents – who admit to occasionally avoiding the messy, complicated lessons in the heat of the moment – who also chimed in to agree with Frost on this one.

One mum to a young grade-schooler said she “spent most of his life getting disbelieving looks in public from other parents for expecting him to do things for himself” or for encouraging him to take age-appropriate risks.

Another mum shared the requirements for her child beginning school and said she was “genuinely shocked by how low the bar has been set” for kids – when the bar is to be potty trained, able to use a knife and fork, speak in full sentences, recognise at least three letters and be able to dress and undress themselves by the age of four.

“My son is a capable, independent little boy who already has the attitude (and determination) of a teenager,” user @shropswife1 wrote. “He thrives when he’s given real responsibility and the chance to prove to himself what he can do.”

And her concerns did demonstrate some of the big-picture worries about the adults that kids raised this way can turn into with such bar-is-on-the-floor expectations: “It feels like we’re slowly raising a generation of children who are being taught that very little is expected of them – and that worries me.”

Another user, @misspennygadget also shared concerns about what kids who were taught these skills might internalise by seeing such a stark contrast between themselves and their peers: “I think about the ones that have been taught and how jarring it must be to see so many peers unable and ill-prepared, wondering why.”

If you’re wondering how it feels to be an adult who feels they were left behind by their parents’ restrictions, some of the people responding to this post had their own stories to tell.

One user, who called Frost’s assessment a “truth nuke”, shared that they had a particularly restrictive upbringing (where they weren’t allowed “near stoves” until they turned 15), noting that they feel their growth was “stunted”.

Another 31-year-old poster (@bleatingartist) named the lack of attention to this work as “neglectful”, in the case of their parents, noting that they seemed to feel that the child being both “fed and alive” was the bar for decent parenting.

Ultimately, Frost identifies the solution in parents learning to prioritise these skills and take the “slower, messier” route to accomplishing day-to-day tasks.

“Every time we step in and do it for them or avoid teaching because it’s slower, messier or inconvenient, we take away an opportunity for them to become capable,” as Frost said in her video. “And children want to feel capable.”

As Frost notes, independence isn’t something that just happens to kids. It takes foundational work, demonstration, repetition and support from parents to get a toddler out of their baby habits and into the ones that are considered developmentally appropriate for them as young children. (Lather, rinse, repeat for each age and stage that follows into adulthood.)

“We guide, we repeat, we expect,” Frost said. “Not perfectly, but consistently.”

Providing that support – and learning when it’s time to step away – is key for helping your kid grow into their confidence in the long term.

In a call to “go back to basics,” Frost advocates for what experts call “scaffolding” – where you provide more support early on when introducing a task you want a kid to eventually pull off independently and slowly remove the support when it’s not needed anymore.

“By scaffolding this support, parents can provide a high level of support initially and gradually reduce it as kids and parents feel more comfortable,” as Jill Hartrich, a child therapist and parenting coach at Foundations Therapy, previously told HuffPost. “This support helps kids build problem-solving skills so they can feel confident making smart decisions when they are without an adult.”