Teenager Mean To Their Friend? Therapist Advice On How To Handle It

This article features advice from Emma Cullinan, a BACP accredited psychotherapist based in London.

No parent wants to think of their child as a bully – but the reality is, kids can be pretty mean. And sometimes, especially when peer pressure is involved, young people who wouldn’t usually behave that way can get swept up with the tide.

One parent recently shared on Reddit that they were in disagreement with their husband about how to respond, after they found out their son had been “acting like a jerk”.

The 16-year-old had been on a school trip with friends where he shared a room with three other boys – two of which he’s close to, and one who is more of a peripheral school pal (who the parent referred to as ‘John’ for the sake of the story).

“My son got home from the trip and when I gave him and the other 2 boys a ride home from school, the car conversation was how annoying John was, how funny it was the pranks they pulled on him, how funny it was how mad he got, how much John now hates them, etc,” explained the parent.

“Sounded like John had a crappy time because of his roommates. My son was quiet in the car other than agreeing John was ‘so annoying’, but it was 100% clear he joined in.”

After relaying the story to their husband, the couple agreed that their son “was a jerk” if what they heard was true – but they couldn’t seem to agree on how was best to handle it.

OP (original poster) wanted to have a calm talk with their son, whereas their husband wanted to “yell at him and shame him in his actions, punish him severely (no hanging out this weekend), [and] force him to apologise to John”.

Emma Cullinan, a BACP accredited psychotherapist based in London, suggests parents in this position – or a similar one – need to understand what lies behind their teen’s behaviour.

She recommends approaching with curiosity rather than judgement or an attack. “Ask them what is happening for them and why they felt the need to do this,” she says.

“They may not understand themselves (their cognitive self-reflection is still in its early stages) so it may be a case of you both working through why they might have behaved in this way.

“For instance, if they felt jealous of the other person or if they feel that they can boost their own sense of self through taking down another person, they need to be made aware of this.

“Then you can talk through how else they might deal with feelings of jealousy or lack of confidence in a more constructive way.”

Another key factor behind their behaviour may have been peer pressure – and the threat of being iced out from the group.

“Peer pressure is huge for teens. When we are young our primary attachment is naturally to our parents (or adults who are bringing us up) but in our teens this switches to our peer group,” says Cullinan.

“Being part of group is a way to practice social skills and learn how to develop supportive relationships. But naturally other teens are also learning and they can be erratic and unkind so negotiating how to belong to the group is fraught with conundrums.”

Consider the potential threat of being ostracised or iced out by a group of friends – “being part of a group can feel like such a matter of life or death for a teen, that they can behave in unethical ways just to belong,” adds the therapist.

“This then leaves them feeling at odds with who they actually want to be – at a time when they are learning who they are.”

What’s more, when the rest of the group starts ostracising another person, “everyone in the group is relieved that it is not them and, if preventing also being ostracised means having to go along with excluding someone, people often do that, even if they feel terrible about it,” says the therapist.

“It sounds as if this is what happened with the 16-year-old in this case. He was torn.”

Having a conversation with teens about their behaviour – and what drove it – can help lead you onto solutions regarding what they could say/do next time.

“Talk to your child about ways in which they can verbally become objective about the situation, rather than confronting someone head on,” says Cullinan.

“They could say: ‘What are you doing?’ Or ‘Are you OK?’ Or ‘Ouch.’ In this way, they are naming what is happening and commenting on the situation in a factual way, and calling out the behaviour, rather than engaging with it,” she explains.

“If you state facts about what is happening, it is harder for the other person to challenge it.”

Just as therapists don’t really advise taking away toys or privileges as a way to teach a lesson to younger children, the same goes for teens.

“Taking away privileges aims to train someone through punishment, but learning through fear of consequences will do nothing to aid the growth of a child who is already dealing with complicated feelings, such as shame and guilt. It just adds another difficult emotion into the mix,” says Cullinan.

“Also, it could inadvertently teach them that communicating in a punishing way is OK, which takes them back into the realm of bullying behaviour. Instead, you want to try and model good communication and relationships.”